Still feeling the urges.  It was a mistake to even "open the door" a bit to allow my body to fill up with lust.  Will take a few days to subside.  Just need to tap into additional gevurah to withstand the temptations. 

Dave M wrote on 12 Jul 2019 16:06:

I posted this last summer.  Really resonate with me now. Can never let one's guard down. 

Hey Dave, 

Just wanted to say your thread is really inspiring. Keep up the good work!
If I may suggest you, when a bad sight comes up for me I try to immediately turn away as fast as possible, then ask myself: Will this honestly be good for me? Since I can't have it, wouldn't looking at it make me feel envious or even angry that I can't have it? And if I don't look, isn't G-d sure to reward me? Won't I be happier, not looking?
Surely that's easier said than done and I too slip, but this method has helped me. I try to turn away first, then, indeed, ask the right questions later. 

Thanks Snowflake for the post.

As an update, B'H the weekend went well.  I find this to usually be the case.  Thankfully, I have a strong jewish filter on my computer.  My wife and I are also very careful about the contents that enter our house.  Usually, if my desires flare up at home, I'm safe.  My biggest battles are in the office, when I'm not as in control of my environment.  

On Shabbos morning, during davening, All these bad imagines were occupying my mind.  Thankfully, I was in a safe place (a shul ).  Eventually the bad thoughts receded.  I feel like I'm in better place now, than i was last week.  Perhaps last week I had let my guard down and was not as careful of avoiding triggers. 

It's been quite some time since I last posted on my thread.  B'H still staying clean.  Yes, the Corona virus has created a new set of circumstances that brings its own challenges which needs to be dealt with.  One interesting thing has been since mid March I've been working remotely due to Covid-19.  In the past, the office setting has been the hardest place for me in terms of my Shemiras Einayim.  Working from home has made guarding my eyes a lot easier.   As I've learned and said many times in the past, in this battle, one can never let his guard down.  The Y'H is always lurking trying to trip us up.  Today, I felt a weakening moment and even looked at some places I should not have, but B'H was able to get a grip on myself before I got any further.   

572 days clean from P&M.  If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I thought I could get to 500+ days clean, I just couldn't see it.  B"H with the help of G-D and GYE, I have made it this far.  Yet, as have been noted many time on this forum, I can never let myself get lulled into a false security of "I'm good, I got this under control".  The reality is, this will be a lifetime battle.  There will be stretches of when the lust will be cooled off and shemiras einayim will be easier.  Those moments and periods are a gift from G-d.  It will never last.  As I noted in my previous post, I got a stark reminder that I can never let my guard down.  I have to always be on the alert and fine tune my strategies to meet the Y'H tricks.

Had a weak moment today.  Not sure why but for some reason Youtube, which is set to be blocked on my computer through my Gentech filter came through.  Before I could lose my resolve, I quickly emailed support to block it.  

Seeing you being so vigilant after 572 days teaches me 2 things. 1-that we must never get comfortable in our successes and 2- that its possible to get to 572 without being an angel. Thank you for both. 

Help.  I'm slipping.  I'm not making good choices....Dont want to throw a streak of 500+ days...

Dave M wrote on 23 Jul 2020 20:31:

No way! What's up?!? Talk to us!!!

Don't you dare! 

How many of us wish for just a fraction of your strength, commitment and success. 

We need your for inspiration! 

Care to share your feelings and thoughts? 

Thanks guys for responding.  I'll provide some more details.  Until mid-March, I was working in a non-Jewish office environment.  That presented its own challenges trying to keep my eyes clean from female co-workers who do not always dress modestly.  I also would sometime struggle to not use the internet to view inappropriate things.  It was an uphill battle.  B'H I began to see success.  But it was a journey.  Not always smooth sailing.  There would be times when I would slip and view things that I should not have, although, I thankfully never "fell" to P&M.  

Once Covid-19 happened, the office was shut down and we all were working from home.  It was great for the first few months.  I was working on my computer that had a strong filter on it.  My shmiras einayim was much stronger since I didn't have to be exposed to other female workers.  The only loophole in the filter was I am able to log into my work computer remotely, which I need to.  But that was a red line for me, not to misuse this, especially in my own home, which I worked so hard to maintain its sanctity by being very careful about what contents comes inside.

Last week, I made a bad judgement and I crossed the red line a bit.  I logged in remotely, and watch unclean Youtube videos for a few minutes.  Thankfully, Hashem saved me by sending me an important phone call.  However, the damage was done.  I had breached the red line I set.  The fight just got harder. 

I was able to resist this whole week.  But today, I slipped in further.  Besides watching more unclean YouTube videos, I searched for explicit stuff online.  I wont lie, I did briefly see "bad" things, but closed out after a few second.  I felt horrible, which was when I posted. 

I'm in a better spot now.  But clearly, I need to figure out some new strategies. Good Shabbos.   

My dear beloved Dave,
let me attempt a fave,

to change your perspective,
I hope I'm not to reflective,

you created a way of life,
hoping you wont fall into sin or strife,

love for g-d was your goal,
sacrificing for your soul,

suddenly arrived a new disease,
destroying the way you lived with ease,

destroying the walls you built,
landing you in the silt,

oh, we strive to live in purity,
but how can we expect it as a surety,

you didn't fall as you believe,
rather your walls breached like a sieve,

we can change regular to protected,
but we cannot see the unexpected,

so despair not my dear friend,
for you can easily make amends,

your fortress of 572,
was not destroyed I assure you,

but rather a demand for second in place,
you will abide with abundant grace,

creating a beautiful new reality,
pleasing to your creator in its entirety,

erasing access to filth and more,
rising to the standards of before,

I beg forgiveness for this rant,                     
your loving friend Grant.

Grant400 wrote on 24 Jul 2020 03:44:

Grant- Your poem means alot to me.  It takes time to write something like that.  You are very talented person.  Not only from your poem, but from your other post, it is clear that yo have a lot of creativity.  May Hashem guide you to always and only use your creativity for good things.

Firstly - you're such a boss Grant.

Hi Dave, its ITK. I don't think I've posted on your thread before, but reading through the posts is such a chizuk for me. And your well over 500 day streak is such a comfort, to know that achieving years of beating the yetzer is in our grasps. 

To throw in my 2 cents, I've had this a bit, where you toe the red line, flirt with it a bit, and eventually cross it. There's a gemara that says the satan 'danced' among them and killed Vashti. I heard peshat in the loshon 'danced'  - a dance starts slow, until the person begins to go faster and faster until they are out of control. So too the satan, he starts slow but when he picks up momentum he's unstoppable.

What I'm trying to point out, is the toying over the line is most often where we fall. I'll just do this, which leads to this, then this, and something we really were strong enough to beat before it all started can get beyond our control. It sounds like you're saying 'I'll just watch this. Its only youtube. And its not even that unclean!' And then it gets progressively more unclean, and the yetzer grabs us more and more.

My advice (whatever its worth, as I'm guilty of the same issue and I've not yet overcome it) is to come on here before it all starts. Watch one of the GYE videos instead of youtube. Look at some of the inspirational quotes. At least, watch a funny youtube video, or an inspirational one, instead of an inappropriate one, and remove recommended videos. I know that its not easy, but its easier before you begin than afterwards.

I'm sure you've thought of all this before. Either way, I want you to know that I'm here, soaking in the kedusha that permeates this thread, and throwing you my support. Thanks for being such a chizuk to us all.