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TOPIC: HELLO 694 Views

HELLO 16 Aug 2018 01:22 #334713

  • YBS
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Hello everyone. This is my first time on this website in many years and I wanted to share my story. I grew up FFB, went to yeshiva, eventually left to go to graduate school. I knew masturbation was a really serious eveira so i avoided it for years, probably into my early 20s. I did look at some porn. Eventually, while still in yeshiva, I caved in and then, for probably another 10 years, got into a cycle where I would watch porn + masturbate, feel terrible, come to GYE, make kaballas, tear up money, etc. I went through all of the tools but it never stopped me for long. My longest streak was less than 40 days. I thought if I just reached 40 days I would be cured and all my troubles would be over, but I only made it to 38 days. Over the years, I was able to see how porn + masturbation was really getting in the way of me living my life. Specifically, it made dating very hard. I felt dishonest and ashamed in any relationship. Eventually, I started going to the phone 12 step meetings on this website. Then, after things kept getting worse, I went to live meetings. By the way, although my cycle was predictable, the frequency of my porn watching didnt really increase. i rarely watched more than once a week, but I did start taking bigger risks even as the returns diminished. It took me a very long time to realize that my cycle started with feeling irritable, discontent and uneasy, then continued to watching porn and masturbating, then concluded with feelings of guilt and shame and beating myself up. The beating myself up part was subtle, but just as much a part of the cycle.
Anyways I thought I was a pretty normal guy - I still do as a matter of fact. But I realized my life wasnt going the way I wanted it to. I went to 12 step meetings for a few a years. Thank Gd, porn + masturbation has not been my "drug of choice" for a good amount of time now.
I really do thank Gd that nowadays, when I have a hard day, I can talk to real people about it and not drown my sorrow in images and illusory connections. When I'm bored (which is something I'm really afraid of) I dont have to alleviate the boredom with porn. But most of all, I'm so thankful that nowadays, I have an actual relationship with Gd. It's not perfect, of course, but it's real. Sometimes I wish He would just let me do things my way (He does, sometimes, let me do things my way, which is when things get really screwed up ). 
So that's the short version of my story.  I would love to chat with anyone who relates to this - please feel free to private message me. 
Best, 
YBS

Re: HELLO 16 Aug 2018 02:23 #334715

  • cordnoy
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Great stuff.

How have you been lately?
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: HELLO 16 Aug 2018 11:43 #334723

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Thank Gd. Trying to turn my will and  my life over to the care of Gd one day at a time. Gd can care for me much better than I can. I'm trying to be willing to accept the things I find bad and the things I find good in my life. I'm really excited to see what Gd has in store for me today. 
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