I just wanted to share my story so others might get a little chizuk that doesn't matter what is the addiction that they are facing, it's just a yeshuos that the Borei Olam is about to reveal and show you His Eternal Loving kindness.

I could say it all started with a simple Yid wondering in this world... I grew up in a religious family, even when my mom is the only Jewish she always tried to teach us about the Torah, I remember a kind hearted mom trying to give the best heritage they could to me, even when I didn't know what was the eternal values that she was sharing with me... I remember seeing confrontations of both of my parents for religious reasons and that was kind of complicated because I didn't know what "side" I was on... As I grew up I was 10 and my mom became pregnant. I had an older brother and an older sister already (4 and 3 years older) so I could say I was the center of attention of the house. As the pregnancy avanced I felt like it was my time to go out to the world, to grow up, to be a man. So I started to try to make myself grow up, I remember that the first time that I watched something inappropiate was one time that my parents left home and I stayed home with my siblings and my brother turned on the tv late and he started watching some in front of us onemovie I remember that had sexual related stuff but it was all. I didn't even knew what was it. Just women half naked but didn't interest me too much. I even told my parents one time when I got mad with him (haha). But I don't know what they did... As I started to grew up I remember that the next time I watched something like that was one time I was changing channels and I saw a movie and that time it interested me more, I was older, and as I grew up older, the stimulus that I got was growing too. I didn't do nothing more than just watch it... So one day came and I went to the beach with my aunt from my dad's side, her son, my grandma and another cousin, I started seeing my aunt with lust when she was by the pool, when we got to the house she showed me her body... I became very impressed by that because I was already having lust thoughts and it was the first time I watched something like that in real life. As I was like 11 about to turn 12 I got A Play station portable and that's when the I started watching p*rn, I had wifi at home so I could watch whenever I wanted to, Some times it was daily, others just frequently but I didn't know what I was getting into... It went for some time, I remember that the first real kiss I had was when I was at 6th grade. I even told that girl that I wanted to lose my virginity with her and she was pretty amazed, I guess the YH and p*rn combo was already doing it's thing... I remembered that I started becoming different... Something inside me was changing, I was starting to look for things. I remember that when I started looking at P*rn it was at first not related with that but as I watched I became attracted mostly of older women.. I had become attracted to older women, I started seeing teachers with lust, I remember that I even watched older women with lust, I always said to a classmate that his mom was good looking or whatever but I didn't saw that as a red light so I could see that there was something happening already that was triggering a hard lust for women. I could say that's when things started getting out of hands. I started getting more attracted to gashmius... I had a cousin that smoked Hookah and I tried it in his home (The older son of the aunt that did that) So I started getting interested by it but it didn't felt like nothing So I started looking for Marihuana (I have seen it in videos) so I went to a page of Legalization in my country and asked, someone told me he could get me so I went to meet him and we smoked in a park but it didn't do me nothing (I didn't know how to get the smoke down so thats why) then I started getting more attracted to everything So I bought a Hookah and brought it home, I just saw everything as what grown ups did... I remember that the last day of 6th grade I brought it school because I told a classmate that I had it and he was kind of into the same stuff as I was or he tried to fit in (B'H he didn't) he brought a beer and I brought the hookah with flavored Tobbaco, when the party ended I just took it off and sat in a park that was near the school and just turned the hookah on and everyone ran away because a teacher was coming, and I just sat there and when she came she told me she was going to call the police and I threw the carbon and went running to a place where I could hide and change clothes because she told the police the colors I was wearing. I threw the beer while I was running and then went to another place and called a taxi so I went home, the teacher has called my home already and parents knew about it but didn't do much, I even went to a party like 30 mins later with my older sister and I remember drinking and smoking and that time I felt what marihuana did, the party was of older people so they laughed with me and they seem to liked that I was younger and doing that... I felt that I belonged to something, that it was the kind of spaces I belonged.. I was looking for Belonging... So I was I could say a "pretty kid" for everyone, but I just felt that something was missing, but it was not some-thing. My sister started bringing her girl friends home and one of them started to get attracted to me (she was 3 years older) and she started to be like my girlfriend, we just kissed and everything progressed to her letting me try things with her but we didn't had more than just touching. As I started highschool my brother was at the same one and he was in the last year of it so I didn't felt I was a part of my classmates, I saw them as inmmatures... Only when another boy who smoked and drinked came to the class, that year I started doing marihuana more recently, I even brought marihuana to the school and smoked in the college in breaks, asked for permission to go to the bathroom and smoked, when my classmates where playing football the classmate that smoked with me used to threw the ball outside the highschool so we had to went and look for it and we stayed there smoking and then came back to classes normally.. As I tried it I was more interested into it, We smoked in the breaks with my brother classmates... It just didn't bothered me what I was doing... I guess I just felt a void and something that asked me from something but wasn't sure what it was... Thought with more it would get satiated... But all it was going to do was ask for more and different stuff, some of my brother female friends from her class starting to tell me that they would take off my virginity but I wasn't alot into them... I kissed some of them but nothing more, I remember that I needed more and started fantasizing about one of the younger teachers. I can remember that one time I went to the bathroom and masturbated thinking about her. I was already more into older girls. I didn't liked my classmates alot... later that year I started trying LSD, one "friend" was doing it so I was curious and I payed for him to get me one and suddenly I had another drug I was getting into. It felt more strong, I guess it disconnected me from the reality I was trying to escape, I was looking for more than what I could see... I started doing it alot and as I had times even long times when I didn't even think about p*rn, sometimes it didn't even interested me, I was already looking for more stuff, when I was like 14 I took many dosis of LSD in a party and I remembered getting lost at the forest, I felt something weird in my heart so I knew It was nothing good, So I took a taxi cab to the hospital and when I arrived I didn't even had money so I managed to tell her my moms number, and went running to emergency room, I opened my shirt and I could say was "Help, Help, Help" and everyone there started asking for help and they took me to a doctor, I was seeing my heart beating out of my chest... I could manage to write my moms number in a paper so they could know who I was, I couldn't even answer... I won't go into details about what I had to went through in the hospital but one thing that surprises me is that I can remember saying to another patient when I was in a wheelchair, Pray for me... And she started crying, Somhow there was a spark of Emunah still inside, I Believed there was G-d, but I wanted to see him, to experience him in my own flesh, I wanted to meet him completely, but I didn't wanted to call him G-d because I had given my back on religion. I looked at the sky and knew there was, but I wanted to bring him down... Doing whatever it took, but not Torah for sure, the YH the less that brought to my mind was that. Made me thought it was not the way... That was the first near death/yeshuos that I was experiencing without even knowing it... I was already meeting who I craved so much to meet. As I turned 15 I had to change highschool and went to a religious college but felt judged because I wasn't so I started thinking I was from the "Sitra Achra" ,G-d forbid, I felt that If I didn't belonged to Kedusha, I might had to be part of that other stuff. But at the same time, I believed firmly and always knew there it was that One in the Heavens. I just didn't care who it was, I just had to find my way there doing whatever it took. I had trust that He Was the Master and whatever my fate was, He was the way.

When I was 15 I met a girl on the internet that I liked so much, She was like a model, at least a social media model. But she was 19. So I thought the way to go was lying about my age and told her I was 17... She started dedicating songs that had dirty lyrics but I payed no mind, I was still a little innocent because I didn't had sex before or didn't knew how that was, so we met one day and we started smoking weed, I remember that when I first saw her she hugged me as any girl had ever done that by the time. (I guess the age difference and attitudes where clearly different but somehow I managed to lie... For a while.) after that I took her home and she wasn't jewish but my parents talked to her so friendly because I told them she was a friend, after that I went to a party that my brother had with friends and I invited her and we started drinking and smoking more, and suddenly she started being sexually aroused by me but I just didn't knew I could get to there so easily. So we did stuff I don't want to say and then I had plans to take her home because I thought my dad wasn't home, When we got home my sister didn't answer and I called the home number haha waiting for my sister to answer and my dad answering. I knew I messed up, she started running and when my father opened he saw her and told me who is she? he was like what the...? And then she found out I was younger but my dad told her she could stay (obviously didn't know what he was planning to do) but she decided to left. Hasgacha pratis obviously. Now that I see this I don't know what Hashem saved me from that night. It was the only day that I saw her...

After that I got a "girlfriend" that was friend of my older brother, she was older than me too, and that's when I started having "intercourse" I didn't even know what to do but I could say there started but nothing seemed to satiate me... I started doing MDMA ("Extasis" in crystals) at that time the p*rn didn't seemed to be a problem as I didn't put my mind into it... I remember that I use to bring drugs to the highschool and do drugs there, yes, even extasis. I didn't even know how didn't they notice some days... (this was the third college I was in) Spent two years there, in the same stuff but they dropped me out. As in the past one for drug reasons. I remembered that the principal was a little scared for me, she was a girl and the high school wasn't religious but I talked privately with her and she asked about what was happening with me (one teacher saw me on MDMA and thought there was something wrong) So I opened up and I told her that I felt there was demons inside me, That they talked to me... YH, drugs, lust trying to mess my brain... whispered inside... It started getting intense so I had to look for ways to escape and that way was more drugs... I thought. More party, more lust, more Gashmius, Money, whatever it crossed my mind that people seemed to be happy with. My brother left to Switzerland to live so I was almost alone at home, I didn't had a good relationship with my dad so I felt alone as a man. I didn't trust him. So I started trying more stuff, From Clonazepam (for sleep), Xanax, Mushrooms, DMT and ended up trying cocaine... Started doing it rarely and then on weekends and drinking too, I didn't drink alot until that.. because you have to bring it down with it as you sniff it... I started slowly feeling more part of the "sitra achra" than of that Precious company Above, I just felt unfitted to it, Thought I didn't deserved it... At that time p*rn stopped I could say even for years... It was just drugs, and some sexual things with a few women once in a while but not sex. But things were getting serious with drugs, I can remember being with people having dinner and going to the bathroom to smoke marihuana and do coke... I was totally lost, I felt I lost my soul. G*d forbid. As I started listening to another kind of music I felt that message fitted my life. I was totally out of control, I knew clearly that there He was Above, But just felt like I was born to be of the "others". Didn't study Torah at that time, not even Shma in the morning, Modeh ani, nothing. Just me being a prisoner of the YH and all of its cravings... I remember one day that I had one bag of coke and woke up and just had that in my mind and did some lines and spent some time in my room. Music, drugs, money. My parents stopped giving me money, So I had to get money for drugs, Started stealing... Another addiction. It was just getting worse and worse. I even spent time with people who were cooking coke, crack, etc. Started hanging with people who carried guns. I didn't do crack or heroin but I was near to it. I guess that Hashem let me go to what he know I could go through. But He wanted to show me that He was the one keeping me alive through all of the many near death experiences and salvations that he was doing and I was just blinded to see them. So  I think Abba just said you have to go through this because I need you to stop and this is what happened:

One day we made a party, I was one of the hosts, so pretty everyone knew me, But I was honestly just there for the drugs... That was what "filled" me, or what made me to disconnect so I couldn't think about was needed to be filled. So I was with "friends" Even my sister was there but I was there for myself, Spent almost all the night alone just from friend to friend receiving drugs, I was planning to go to an after party to the beach, after almost all night of doing drugs and not sleeping and not eating. That was my plan buut Hashem had another one. So that night I did (as far as I can remember) LSD, MDMA, Ketamine (cats anesthesia) and marihuana... I was just so anixous about doing more, took alot of LSD and didn't even eat even when I had food. I think I was uncousciouslly wanting to end it all... Not the first time that happened. But that time was near, I wanted to do cocaine and there was a guy who told me he had and even when I had all that stuff in my system and I wasn't conscious at all I asked him but as we went to other part of the party so any person would see there was the One up there who was seeing everything and as we walked I started getting a really really scary feeling. He had it all out and told me take it and G-d just made me realize everything I had inside and Give me an incredible amont of Chutzpah to tell him no, even when I told him no he asked me alot and even angry, I remember his face and I could say it was the face of Death angry because G-d was saving me from dying that night. I just told him no and it was no... When the party was about to end and the sunrise started to appear I started to feel anxiety, I was kind of awakening to something, and I started having a panic attack because my sister had already left and the "friends" I was with were all drugged out and I just didn't felt that I fitted there, My eyes just opened to the kind of place that I was, I saw everyone as if they were just puppets of the YH and as if those souls were captive and almost screaming for their wrongdoins..Because all the drugs they we're forced to see.. I couldn't do more but just to run and it was far away from my home, I just wanted to see my mom, my siblings, I just started to want to appreciate my life, The presence of the living G-d that was with me... All of the things that I was ignoring and even detesting.. I wanted that calmness of my home. Of what was in my home. So I started to run and I was still on drugs so I just wanted to get home but lost all of the control. I remember the thoughts just were too much and I felt like I was dying... I stopped a taxi and told him to take me home but I was so out of this world that I felt he was taking me to other place so I took the steering wheel and told him that I wanted to drive (haha now that I think about this I can't imagine what went through his mind) But as I was fighting with the thoughts that I was dying and I didn't appreciate what I had and what was it all I saw an ambulance coming so I jumped out of the taxi and stopped them and told them that I was dying. He told me that they were going to another place and that they were now calling another one for me and the taxi driver came angry because I didn't pay to him so I payed and run out of the ambulance, I was crazy, I was trying to enter to another people houses, I saw as If I was goinf to leave in the streets of this world forever, just seeing others have a happy life and me being like that forever. I ended up rolling in the floor and took my clothes off because I felt suffocated. I felt like I was dying and I watched literally all of my life flashed through my eyes and and all I could ask was for forgiveness.. I just wanted another chance to be a good human, a good son, a good servant. After I took my clothes off I ran like 2kms naked and then I was conscious in a kind hearted granny house, she called my parents and they brought me to the hospital with borrowed clothes. I didn't felt how devastating was the situation I got myself into but I was just happy that I had another chance to get it right. As years passed I wanted to work on my addictions but it was not so simple, even if I wanted to I couldn't just leave that kind of life without help... So I started to want to really do my part and trust the One Above, Even without practicing any kind of mitzvos or davening. Just talking with my words. And focusing with all myself on Him. So I had leaved most of those drugs, I wanted to but It was hard. My body was craving drugs. I went to another highscholl when I was 17 and met another girl, I could say I had the real intercourse with her because I didn't even know what to do with the other ones I had that kind of contact. Even when I could do whatever I wanted to do with her, I wasn't satiated so I still watched p*rn. That messed up because as she let me do whatever I was into more p*rn kind of stuff with hershe was younger so I guess that's why she was so submissive. I was just experimenting with it so I became addicted to it and find a way different than drugs. The relationship didn't lasted too long because well it's obvious. Another Yeshuos. B"H I didn't get non Jewish kids. I left almost all drugs, just smoked weed rarely and drinked with her at that time but when we broke up I felt my world coming down. I remember that I took 1000$ I had and started spending it in bottles and weed again and went to the house of a friend of her and had sex with her... I didn't know I got addicted to lust and that lust is something I had to work with too. After that I had another relationship with another kind of supermodel and she was the prettiest woman everyone wanted and I had it so I started getting crazy for her and addicted to p*rn, watched p*rn because I was obssesed with the idea of having something with her, addicted to lust, power, recognition, money, whatever, that addiction popped up, was trying to leave the weed again and lying to her that I wasn't doing it so she broke up with me. Hasgacha pratis... Just giving me what I needed in order to start getting everything right... I said I'm tired of this, I want to do it right... Started spending more time at home, with family and found out again the beautiful thing that Hashem gave us... Torah! As soon as I started studying it Was like as if all my words were answered, all my needs were found there and my Neshamah said Finally, this is it. As I started studying first Parshas HaShavua, then everything started progressing so fast, I was not just learning from seforim, Hashem itself was teaching me, he was getting the pieces right in my neshamah, ruach and nefesh. I started enjoying just The security of being in the Hands of the Real Creator of Everything. I started to feel secure. I started to feel alive. I was coming home. I can't say that since that I left everything But I seen how since then everything started progressing at an incredible fast pace. I knew it would take time, But it started to be so good that I didn't even cared about how much will it be. I still smoked weed, did Lsd a few times, mdma, dmt, but not cocaine, not other stuff, B"H I was given the opportunity to get myself on what was progressing and not on what was the same, on what changed and not on what is not changing. But I received the gift so I would accept what changed, what is still in proccess but not to comfort myself with the progress I had seen, I knew there were greater Heights because He IS the Most High. One day I had a slip with p*rn that really made me figure out that I had to work on it as hard as on the drugs. The thing is that the whole time I had been watching p*rn the lust it started with "lesser" things, normal intercourse, then lesbian, then what I liked the most was older women p*rn, and even I found out myself watching stuff that was "stepmom" "aunt" "stepson" kind of stuff, I found myself being sexually aroused by Gilui Arayot.. I have heard about GA before but not studied alot it... I found out I had been sexually attracted to my aunt and even fantasized about her, masturbated thinking about her, she used to talk to me seductively but not she didn't do more, the way she touched me etc was making me horny.. she stopped me and tell me I think it's better if we stopped, I don't know she stopped me because all of that were products of my imagination,YH, Lust that has been created and fed with p*rn for many years but B"H It just stopped there. I started working more on my Avodah and studying alot more, davening more and just doing whatever it takes to rectify my Neshamah... I sold my phone (iPhone) so I could buy a new pair of teffilin with the money and start making progress. I never felt like really addicted to p*rn but then I found out that I could watch it from my father's work laptop and started using for it, I started taking it to my room and even "hiding" in incognito mode, that just showed me that I could be incognito but I was still being seen by Hashem. Since some time ago I have been seeing the progress of how this has been being rectified, all the falls, all the times I have stood up has been part of it and even when I didn't understood Hashem started to give me peace with this addiction too, with no anger, no sadness, just hope. And alot of Simcha.  Now I can proudly say that at my 20 years I can see how Hashem has make my soul free from many addictions, Drugs (Marihuana, all kinds of Marihuana related stuff, LSD, MDMA, Mushrooms, Ketamine, DMT, Cocaine), stealing, lies, hate, money addiction, power addiction, honor addiction, he has made me humble because I have seen how it has been all from Above, From his eternal kindness... He sees how much we are trying, how much we fight and try to focus, how much we might want to run and give up, he sees our tears, he hears our silents "please help me" and so much more he likes when we do open our mouths and ask for help, as a gift, because all of this is a gift. Now that I have been liberated from things not everyone could survive I feel secure, because even when I'm here, still working on Shmiras Ainaym I can be sure that it wasn't me the One who created all of the energies and strengths to get me out of the drugs, lies, stealing and all of those hard addictions. It wasn't me the one who could make it through deadly car crashes, overdoses, dangerous places, dangerous company etc. So It isn't me The One who is doing this Tikkun.. at least I'm not alone, for sure I can't just wash my hands and leave everything to Him, He Can for sure do it. I'm not saying He can't, but he wants us to make an effort. To show Him that we are really trying hard to be partners with Him on this beautiful work He is making, Because he wants us to put our hearts and souls into it, only so we can be a part of this beautiful experience called life. And that's what I am currently doing B"H. More than Trying hard, doing hard. Talking with people here, reading, davening hard. I found this beautiful website and I really want to be a part of this community of people who try hard to please Hashem. Now that I see what I have to deal with daily I have no fear about it because I know that Hes with me through this and as the days pass I can feel how he's getting me out of that lust pattern and giving me strenght that everything some stimuli comes to me I just can look up to him and just breath and let go of "me having control" Just relying totally on Him. I have been gifted to see how it is possible but I'm now just being present and doing my best to please Him right now. And with much Help IYH I know that I will be gifted to see how this was just another hidden Yeshuos. In the end, he has showed me that he can.

And that is important for us to remember, That He can do it.

I have been living my best kind of life currently and I know it's all Hashem doing, I'm living the happiest life I could and It's more beautiful that my wildest dreams. He has showed me how everything I went through was in order to use me to bring those things into his Light, as a Tikkun for those things. I found that every craving I felt was just a little scream of my Neshamah to get closer to Him so now Just doing everyhting I can to get closer to Him, doesn't matter how much it takes. I daven to Him for Emunah and Bitachon, I ask Him to just get that into my mind, heart, body. For everything the answer is that, emunah and bitachon. I ask Hashem for all of the beautiful Yids that are here because it means you are trying hard. And all that He wants is for us to look up to the heavens and know that Hashem is The G-d in the Heavens as he is in the Earth. And Trust Him that we are not alone. I have seen how he gives the tools for the Ones who really want and this surely is one of them.

Chodesh Tov Tammuz For all of you and may you receive this month and see more than all of the yeshuos that all of you are expecting.