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TOPIC: Me 1306 Views

Me 22 May 2018 15:27 #331211

Hey everyone I'm new here,

Introducing myself. I've been struggling with SSA  since a young age. I suspect it was lack or relationship with my father and being more mature as a child relative to my male peers and age. At the start of blooming to "man-hood" I had been sexually coerced out of compulsion on several occasions with someone close. That ended and I felt confused in my Judaism. I always felt a sort of spiritual connection as a child and always knew I need to become more frum than my family. Also I'm a Kohen so I've always felt a guilt because of the responsibility of being Kadosh and people who a greater than me giving me respect. As I said I'm addicted to Masterbation and some pornography for a number of years now. On a several rare  occasions I've acted on my taivas with people than lead me to deppresive episodes. I've been closed about all of this for a long time. At this point in my life I've been in Yeshiva for two years. More knowledgeable about yiddishkeit and I guess more frum. And I'm stuck at a fork in the road for my next step in life because Idk if I'm able to get married and have kids. Which I want. I don't want to live a "progressive" lifestyle because I'm a g-d fearing person but also have this potent, powerful, sexual desire that feels really good when I submit to it. On one hand this ta'va is not me and going against my desire to have a family, because what's the point of living if I'll be alone or not have children to pass on my legacy. but on the other hand I love my Ta'ava and can't get enough of it. Being in a family with tight finances and other problems that not relative to this program put another level of stress on me. Many people who have advised me don't know this hidden department about me but know all the other stuff have told me Hashem gave me a lot of strength and are shocked that I'm functional for the most part. I appreciate that, but I'm still confused on decisions in my life. Having all this happen in my life especially SSA gives me a strong doubt about marriage for me. How will I ever get married? If I do how will I love my wife in the physical department? (If I have kids) How will I teach my sons? 

The anxiety of marriage is a little bit calmed from talked to someone here about  succeeding the 90 day program and going through the steps of the program but the anxiety is still sorta there. 

I guess this is alot for an introduction. But Idk someone else knows other than me.
Last Edit: 22 May 2018 15:29 by Techeles0227.

Re: Me 22 May 2018 15:42 #331212

  • dd
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Great thing you came here, the place to find people you can relate and understand you without judging.

Make yourself comfortable and hang in there bro.

Regarding your situation i'll let the pro's help you with that. Just wanted to welcome you!

Keep up your good work and your spirits too!!

Re: Me 22 May 2018 17:21 #331217

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It is amazing that you have managed to open up here for the first time. I am quite  here myself and found that opening up about everything that I went through was a big push for myself to start going on the correct path. Keep posting on the forum and you will get all the support you need. You can really find all the resources you need to work on your recovery here on the GYE site. 


השלך על השם יהבך והוא יכלכלך

Re: Me 22 May 2018 18:27 #331221

  • gibbor120
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Welcome!  that is quite a lot to deal with.  Do you have anyone you can talk to openly?  Have you thought about seeing a therapist?  These are heavy problems that you are dealing with.

Re: Me 23 May 2018 03:27 #331247

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Welcome and thank you for your courageous first post. Iyh you will find help here as so many others have. Hatzlocha!
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Re: Me 25 May 2018 10:02 #331352

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Welcome! Thanks for the honesty. I especially liked when you said you love your ta'avah and can't get enough of it. It's a reality check. 

I suggest therapy. These are deep issues. Do you go to therapy?
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D

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