Hey everyone I'm new here,
Introducing myself. I've been struggling with SSA since a young age. I suspect it was lack or relationship with my father and being more mature as a child relative to my male peers and age. At the start of blooming to "man-hood" I had been sexually coerced out of compulsion on several occasions with someone close. That ended and I felt confused in my Judaism. I always felt a sort of spiritual connection as a child and always knew I need to become more frum than my family. Also I'm a Kohen so I've always felt a guilt because of the responsibility of being Kadosh and people who a greater than me giving me respect. As I said I'm addicted to Masterbation and some pornography for a number of years now. On a several rare occasions I've acted on my taivas with people than lead me to deppresive episodes. I've been closed about all of this for a long time. At this point in my life I've been in Yeshiva for two years. More knowledgeable about yiddishkeit and I guess more frum. And I'm stuck at a fork in the road for my next step in life because Idk if I'm able to get married and have kids. Which I want. I don't want to live a "progressive" lifestyle because I'm a g-d fearing person but also have this potent, powerful, sexual desire that feels really good when I submit to it. On one hand this ta'va is not me and going against my desire to have a family, because what's the point of living if I'll be alone or not have children to pass on my legacy. but on the other hand I love my Ta'ava and can't get enough of it. Being in a family with tight finances and other problems that not relative to this program put another level of stress on me. Many people who have advised me don't know this hidden department about me but know all the other stuff have told me Hashem gave me a lot of strength and are shocked that I'm functional for the most part. I appreciate that, but I'm still confused on decisions in my life. Having all this happen in my life especially SSA gives me a strong doubt about marriage for me. How will I ever get married? If I do how will I love my wife in the physical department? (If I have kids) How will I teach my sons?
The anxiety of marriage is a little bit calmed from talked to someone here about succeeding the 90 day program and going through the steps of the program but the anxiety is still sorta there.
I guess this is alot for an introduction. But Idk someone else knows other than me.
