I was here yesterday under the name wowamazing ,.Didnlt like the way it looked too triggering, sorry wasn't aware till afterwards. several years ago I was a member with the name getting help. Well kit's been a very long and painful journey indeed. Bh I have. truly amazing family. Married over 20 + years BH!!!!  My wife is a true tzadekes. I've tried several ways of breaking free.The only prolonged success I ever had was on this site,over 90 days!!! Well now after experiencing quite a few devastating situations in our lives I'm back here getting the help I desperately need. I'm willing to give it my all,I already lost way too much not to.I just need a break already from all the Crap . I'm literally begging HASHEM for help.My heart breaks when I look back and see al of the devastation and destruction acting out has brought into our lives(my family). I've gone from being a Baal Tzedaka to actually having to ask and beg people to lend me money just to get thru yom too and pay bills. I'm ready to change, please help me(US) HASHEM!!!!!!!

hi getting help, welcome back! i feel bad about hearing how the wheel of fortune has turned on you,may Hashem return you to your former standing with  being freed from the yetzer hara and lust! you said you were here before, did you read the gye handbook? may i ask what was your first username before wowamazing? do you want to share your story in more detail ,no pressure. anyway a gut moed and hatzlacha!

Hi and welcome 

I just read all your 9 pages of posts you wrote back in 2009 under your old name getting help they were full of chizuk and were really helpful to me today, (as today was a tough day for me! But b'h i remained clean by constantly reminding myself of how i don't wish to go to my old days were i was OWNED by this addiction.) So thanks a lot for that, what happened since then? Do you have a filter? 

 Lots of Love Yankel

It's been very up and down. The loss (financial ) and in other ways has been horrific. Even though I read Garden of Purity,went to Rebbes,was even very very close to a few real tzadikim. I chose to keep my secret a secret. I figured why do anything if I'm doing so many other holy matzot. Well I now see and know how this shmnutz destroys everything that good and pure.I makes me a nervous reck, and separates me from HASHEM,my Wife and kids. It has taken the enthusiasm and sucked the positive energy out of me. BH because of a few really crazy and painful events I found myself meeting with a Makubal who I saw around 7 years ago. He told me that this problem would be with me for a while. He gave me a very intense and strong tikun to do for 90 days. BH its brought me back here.I'll start slow step by step and see where it takes me .The pain and suffering I've brought into my entire family is so intense I can't seem to get over it. I'm costantly an nervous and anxious reck.PLEASE HASHEM HELP ME AND SAVE ME TODAY

Oysh! reading all your raw pain and feelings made me cry! It sounds so rough!

But i want you to remember hashem Loves all of his children to no end he really cares about you! And the past happened i know you want to turn the clock around but sadly we can't. It's important to from now on live life day by day (One day at a time) Have you attended live 12 step meetings? Have you gone to therapy or just mekubal's?

 Chag Kosher V'sameach Love Yankel 

GettingHelp2 reading your story just strengthened me a lot. I have also been suffering from anxiety a lot. I also had really high blood pressure caused by the anxiety and had to go on medication even though I am young.

I don't know for sure but I have a sneaky suspicion that this has all been because of the lust and acting out. I also have wasted hours acting out when I should have been working and even though I never got paid for those hours I could lose my job if I work too little each month. I could easily also go from a baal tzedaka to begging for Yom Tov if I keep on lusting and acting out.

You should only find sobriety and recovery starting right now!

Hey Getting Help,
I hope that things worked out for you for Yom Tov! I can partially relate to the feeling of poverty. There was a time when I had no money, and no realistic way of getting any, and I had to pay for rent, credit card bills, etc. I went to the Kosel (one of the advantages of living in Yerushalayim), and davened in a way that I hadn't before. That month, somehow, I was able to pay the bills on time. Over the next year, the same thing happened a few more times. At some point I realized, that having no money was/is Hashem's way of making sure that I keep a close relationship (כביכול) with Him. I chose to look at it as a wake up call. I also tried more seriously to keep myself clean. I found this site by accident, even though my filter was set to a whitelist. I am now clean for close to 60 days, my longest streak since i began keeping track. 
Some thoughts on some of the things that you mentioned in your 2 posts:
1) You CAN DO IT!! You did it once before, that means you have the capability in you!
2) Hashem loves you more than you can ever realize. HE is rooting for you! HE is your biggest fan! HE wants you to succeed! 
3) Hashem will help us in our struggles, but we have to be really committed to the fight. We need to really give it all we got. Once upon a time i was having a hard time getting up for Shachris. I would daven to Hashem, and ask for His help, but it didn't seem to work. One time, after concluding such a tefilah, a voice said inside my head, "if you really wanted ti get up on time, you would set an alarm clock!" Since then i have realized that I need to REALLY commit to the fight, and when i do, Hashem helps me in many unanticipated ways.
4) Since you did manage to stay clean for a while, that means you are a stronger fighter than before. It takes a bigger bang to knock you off course. The Yetzer Hara doesn't give up. He can lose 1000 times in a row, and he will still come at us with the same intensity the 1001st time! He is upping the ante, because he knows that is the only way to get you. Unfortunately, this time he won. But knowing what is going on is the first step in mounting a successful defense. The more a person grows, the harder the tests will be.
5) I heard this from my Rabbeim. Hashem gives us tests that we can pass. He doesn't give us a nisayon that we are forced to fail. Hashem knows exactly what our limits are, and He will psh us to those limits, but not beyond them. Whatever comes your way, you are equipped to handle, and you have the tools within you to win. Sometimes we need some external help, and then our nisayon is  for us to take "some humble pie" and ask someone to guide us out of the confusion that we are mired in . 
6) As far as going to the Mekubal, if it works for you, great. I heard from a well known Mekubal, that when people come to him asking for a tikun for something that they have done, he tells them that Chazal say there are 4 steps to Teshuvah. חרטה, וידוי, עזיבת החטא, וקבלה על העתיד. Only after that is done can a penitent seek a Tikun. He compared it to a car that is in a serious accident. First you fix the engine, and only after do you get a fresh paint job. I do not mean to denigrate the person you are going to, and if it works, go for it. This is just my own uneducated 2 cents on the matter. This same person also said (I have this in print), if a mekubal seeks/demands money for his advice/blessings, stay far away from him!

I hope things will start to improve from here on.
תמיד תהיה מין הנותנים ולא מהמקבלים

Thank your guys tons. I’ll add more later. Yom Tov was really meaningful BH. I learned a lot about myself and what true freedom is.

I feel as though I'm completely closed off from any mazel in regards to my financial situation.  I've tried so hard to start pleasing HASHEMITE ,it's like everything I do is not good enough to open the shaar parnasa a fraction of an inch. I really thought the minute you get the message from above its no longer necessary for HASHEM to continue sending harsh messages.  When does it end ??????

Hi,

It’s truly heartbreaking to read what you’ve been going through, and I pray that you get out of this situation extremely quickly!
Your acting out is definitely due to your financial stress. However, once you act out, Now you’re double stressed because 1) You acted out. 2) You’re in dire need of financial help. 
This leads to you being irritated and snappy to your wife, children and then you go on to act out again because you’re so frustrated! It’s a vicious cycle!

In no way am I the right person to preach, however, all I can say is TRUST IN HASHEM and I promise you that you’ll see changes for the better in front of your eyes. I’ve had times (and am currently in a situation) where I literally don’t know where, what, how etc.. but Hashem has helped and will continue to help each and every time without fail.. You just gotta believe and trust in the one above!
Trust me, take a deep breath, have a deep and meaningful conversation with Hashem and you’ll see you’ll feel better and stuff will change... I can feel it already!!!
keep us posted!

ok thanks. Tried that this morning, still very very angry with myself and the entire situation I can't see a way out without  a miracle today! 

open letter to HASHEM
Dear HASHEM,
​Im back on GYE bc I want to be a proper and holy husband and father (JEW). So if my being here is not enough coupled with the intense tikun I'm doing, well I'm sorry. If you are still so angry and upset with ,there isn't a thin I can do about it. So keep treating me with debts,bils .... parnasa (Lack of). Keep me held tightly in the dungeon of stress and anxiety. Guess what? I don't care, its not going to get me to act out,NO WAY !!!!!!!! If you still choose not to forgive me or help me out,Im still not going to act out today!!! So go ahead keep testing me,Im still standing . I do beg of you not to test me any more. I don't know how much more I can take with out collapsing. I need your help immediately today. I do love you dear HASHEM,im your son in trouble asking and begging you to send help today. Please pen the door bit wider. I know deep down its for my best, but how much can one man take. I have a family I need to support and take care of as your shliach. Its not me but you who decides my financial situation. Please help today HASHEM. I can never thank you enough. I will not let this get me to give in to the yetza hara.  Please give me the ability to weather this crazy storm, make it stop and go away for once.. I refuse to believe I'm so evil and bad that I,m beyond you forgiving me and sending help today.

THANK YOU HASHEM!!!!
​just had an amazing conversation with a member who gave me tons of help and suggestions. Thank you to him and HASHEM for the help!!!

Amazing! Look how quickly Hashem helped already! Trust in Hashem, daven to Hashem and you will see wonders!!

Keep it up and don’t fall, because tomorrow is a better and brighter day!!

BH I just spoke with someone from here who will be my sponsor. It looks like with help from HASHEM I will IYH attend my first meeting face to face. Scared and nervous but I'll  do what is recommend from someone who has past success and experience.