Welcome!  You seem to be at a crossroads.  You realize all your trying up until now has not worked.  You need something more, but you are afraid to take that step.  Please, make recovery a priority.  Do whatever it takes.  Figure out a way.



I had a chavrusa.  I told him I was joining a phone mussar chaburah one night a week.  You are a smart person.  Figure something out.  This problem will not solve itself as you have seen from experience.  If you want to be free, you have to make a commitment to do whatever it takes.



The difficult moves are the ones that lead to recovery.  The easy ones, usually don't.  How badly do you want to recover?



Let us know what you decide.  We are here to support you.



I wish you all the best.

Hey guys thanks so much for all the feedback so far. I really appreciate it. 

I have updated my original post with a lot more details about how my struggle started.

Actually expressing my thoughts to other people has already been a crazy experience for me. I finally feel comfortable to actually think about these past events and dig up those feelings that I have buried deep down. I can finally begin to think about my past and push aside the fears associated with digging up these memories. It seems like every day so far since I have made my first post and comfortable giving over more and more details. These are ideas that I have mamesh never expressed before so this is really incredible.

@Cordnoy, thanks for that clarification. I think i get it, ODAAT doesn't mean you don't think long term and don't have goals. It just means that within the framework of that longterm goal, the way to eventually achieve that goal is by taking it one day at a time. Don't think about whether the goal in its entirety is feasible to you in this moment. Rather, think about whether today you can make sure you are working towards your goal.