that relapse was on December 30 2018, the pain was so unbearable, I was just sitting in my car crying I felt that I will never make it and at that moment I felt that I want to take my life, which even in my worst acting out days I didn't have suicide thoughts,  at that pointe god gave in my head the straghngd instead of going on a binge, to walk in to a AA fellowship where they did a new year 24 hour round clock meeting I was sitting there for 12 hours straight, I shared on every meeting that I already have a step one that my life is unmanageable and  if I will act again ill end up death, I already have the step one that if I will take a action of a first look ill get powerless over it and relapse, I already had the step one that I need to accept the disease and that I'm sick, and I just cant stay sober, and god helped me  some old dude took me in the  side and finished my step and told me, indeed you cant stay sober but did god keep you sober for the past 30 days one day at a time? do you believe he can keep you sober tomorrow? and right there I got a new definition of god as you understand him, the got that loves me the god that wants me sober the god that gave me that disease and I cant make him hate me no matter what, I throw the god that hates me and loves to punish me out the window, and ever since god is keeping me sober one day at a time, all he askes from me is stay connected, have a morning routine, pray a lot, do service, and I know if I will remember every minute that the first time I let my fantasy play in my head or take a second look on the street god may not save me and who knows if ill be so lucky to pick myself up, currently I'm working step 4 and I pray and will do anything I can to stay sober for the next 24 hours. 
will post again as I progress