Thanks so so much to everyone who has interacted with me on my feed the past few days.  
I cant tell you how much you have brightened my past couple days and helped getting my positivity back. Some times I say ya know I don’t have much time and it’s fine if I dont respond to that guys post, someone else will, but really each and every post, and everyone that reaches out just adds so much.

Thanks, you guys are amazing
and yeah I definitely gotta start calling. Trouble for me is talking means finding a hiding spot in yeshiva, that’s why I always just end up texting/foruming. When the weathers nice it’ll be easier.

hakolmilemala wrote: 
"that doesn’t mean that the actual emotional fulfillment of a close friendship with a girl is lust. "
like i wrote before, there is lustand there is lust, (once i play around with my letter font , i cant get it back to normal)and a unmarried bachur talking to an unmarried girl ,not for the purpose of matrimony ,and creating an emotional bond is the same thing as learning together gemara or musar or even zohar hakadosh its all lust, thats my opinion based on what ive heard from an adom gadol, youre entitled to yours, no hard feelings.

HakolMilimala wrote on 07 Mar 2018 00:27:

I had many excuses for not picking up the phone. My wife is around...blah blah blah.

You know what got me to call? Not those "problems disappearing" but me getting desperate to fix my situation. I hope you don't have to wait like I did till the situation gets desperate.

As an aside you are posting your resume and asking people to read it and contact you. May I suggest the other way around. I read different peoples forums and I contacted those via PM, who I thought had the experience to help in my case. (No I did not contact everyone who was a fit, although hopefully one day I will contact some more wonderful GYE chevra).

Hatzlacha my brother Hakol.

I think that from what i read that your claim about the difference between a boy or a girl in 
confiding to them is only about being close to a buchor in yeshiva and that is probably right
that the atmosphere there won't lead to a real honest friendship but maybe look out for something else as in someone that you respect and will feel good when he will listen to 
you a Rav or even someone respeted in your community who will know enough to respect your privacy might be a good example 
with much hatzlacah

Long time no speak my forum friends. I really have missed you all, I’ve been so busy, but that’s no excuse for not staying in touch with people in recovery. 

Went out to eat with a friend tonight, on the way walking there, two girls who noticed us and were talking about us approached us and asked us if we want to go for a drink. We had our yarmulkes on, our Tzitzis out. But apparently they didn’t get the picture. My immediate action was no thanks, but it was on my mind the whole night. How much I want to just say yes and just see where things go from there. And what makes it so difficult is that really where I was holding two years ago, so I have the confidence and lack of boundaries necessary to actually go through with something like that. Then I was listening to “Rachel Mivacah Al Baneha” in bed and I started crying. I sacrifice so much for yiddishkeit. I give up everything to be in yeshiva to grow. And then I get approached by two girls and I just want to say yes. This is the power of my desires. Thank you Hashem for getting me through today clean.

WOW!
Thats  all that i can think of to say to you.
Hashem look what a people you have!
Hatzlacha and good night!

I think alot of people - good people would want to say yes, I dont know how many on your situation would say No.....
you sound solid and it sounds like sacrificing to be in yeshiva is actually paying off bigtime

keep it up brother !

Incredible story. In truth a present day Yosef HaTzaddik occurrence. What an inspiration for all us strugglers! Continued hatzlocha.

This is the feeling that I get when I act out and it drives me meshugah. Well said, and your story is a inspiration.

I try so hard to replace acting out with healthy behaviors to enjoy and relax instead. I look to have healthy fun and down time instead of letting the pressure build up until it’s unbearable.

Somehow, I feel like no matter what I do or what I try, the acting out finds its way into my plans

At a crossroads... Trying to find my way...

Good to hear from you friend. That's something I see in me as well, I could be having the most awesome, rewarding day, but the urge to lust and act out can hit me regardless.
May God give you the clarity to find the right way.

HakolMilimala wrote on 01 Jul 2018 16:16:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It sounds like you're trying to apply the few tools that you've picked on these forums which is great. However, it also sounds like you're pretty much fighting this alone which for most people here is a lost cause.

Finding a proper mentor that has been successfully clean through GYE for at least 9 months is pretty crucial to your recovery and having an accountability partner that is serious about his recovery is also very beneficial. Being brutally open and honest with another human being and being willing to follow someone else's direction is the key factor in most people's recovery (this has been my experience as well). The point is that posting for self help tips on the forums is not what's going to pull someone through long term. Building a network of people one can learn from and contact whenever they're in a jam is where the real power of recovery is.

Thanks grateful4life,
I think that you’re spot on. I see a therapist but that’s not the same as what you’re suggesting, and it is something that although I’ve dipped my toes into, I haven’t solidified it at all or made it a part of my life.

 I should work on that.

Therapists are very helpful. However one can not underestimate the power of speaking with people who will honestly share with you that they have been there and done that. And that they got better. Could be your therapist watched pornography too but they usually wont share that with you. Join the crowd here. The support is of inestimable value.

Just finished reading this super awesome thread, and I want you to know I'm super inspired by your desire for growth. You're strength to get those two girls off your back is absolutely amazing. And that you Indeed have that lack of boundaries and very much have the ability to get them if you wanted just compounds my inspiration. 

I remember being exactly where you are now, I'm older and (wiser?) have that in my past now. You wrote: "I had relationships of over 2 years where I spoke/texted consistently almost every day, just emotional support, growing together in frumkeit, helping each other get through our teen years and become better people. Was everything I did l’halacha? Nope. But for me personally, these relationships were positive. During these relationships, I lusted less, i watched less porn, I masturbated less. I felt full." 

I was mamesh there 10(ish) years ago (wow I guess I'm old) and I know exactly how you are feeling. I had a relationship with a girl for 2 years and never touched her, not even once. So the emotional aspects were magnified even more. I really leaned on her for so much. We were sure we were gonna get married, the only problem was that we felt we were too young and I wanted to get more serious in yeshiva before getting married. Long story short I got more serious and she ditched me and got married. So I know how you feel about having had that emotional relationship with a girl before. 

And I totally know how you feel just waiting to get married, I remember that and it really felt torturous, I craved that emotional bond and intimacy with every fiber of my being but I knew that I needed to wait. It was a painful time. 

I wish I could give you advice to help you feel better, but there isn't really anything I can add except this: every second that you suffer and give up for hashem and work on your recovery is precious beyond words. That self control that you demonstrate so well will undoubtedly serve you well in your marriage and the rest of your precious service to hashem. That cheshek in learning issue is also one I can so well relate to. I've had so many yissurim in learning I can't even begin to describe. 

To sum it all up I want you to know how proud hashem is of you and your super human efforts at recovery. I'm with you and I feel for you and I'm sure as heck rooting for your success!