Awesome stuff !!!
keep doing whatevers working  and  dont let your guard down.

Thanks everyone i've done it and am ready to march forward

i'm amazed again and again how those around here will take from their time to encourage and share a good word 

Just reached 50 never believed i can get so far 
hoping and praying to continue without looking back
getting there ODAAT 
thanks to HASHEM and thanks to all of you who take your time to respond

Congrats!! You’re amazing!
just fell at 30, so you’re my inspiration 

HakolMilimala wrote on 16 Feb 2018 08:00:

sorry to hear about your fall hope you get up quickly and march forward 
i find it liberating to be free and not fall with things that i really don't want to do and hate it after it is done i am willing to do what it takes to get out of it by myself if possible and by therapy and 12 steps if i can't there is nothing i won't do to achieve that freedom i hope you also are in that direction and you should just report good news waiting to hear from you 
keep marching forward ODAAT

ayidel wrote on 16 Feb 2018 07:56:

Wow, 50 seems so far off...this gives me strength to keep trucking ODAAT, thank you!

50 seemed like miles away when i started but once passed is but a fraction of the lifetime ahead as we march on ODAAT

Mazel tov on your accomplishment. besides the obvious good feeling of being clean for 50 days, there is a more powerful hergesh. Up until now you may have truly believed that it would be impossible to get clean. Thoughts like "It's a waste of timeto try", "I have to fall anyway", "I'm doomed until i am 80 years old" etc were ingrained. Now you (along with those of us witnessing) know IT CAN BE DONE b'ezras Hashem. Even if chas v'shalom there is a slip somewhere in the future, the battle lines are on a new territory. You have the high ground. May Hashem help you along with the rest of us stay clean and pure until we proudly greet Moshiach.

ayidel wrote on 16 Feb 2018 08:16:

Yeah I also found it very liberating :/ 
I also put a lot of work into recovery.
The only difference is that it could be I let myself get a little too haughty about it. 
So with your amazing accomplishment I just want you to keep one thing in mind, that even though it feels liberating, there’s going to be a day when your mind starts asking you for an escape, so you have to stay grounded. Take me seriously. I want save you the pain of ch’v starting from the beginning again. So you have to prepare. You have to have an outlined battle plan if that day comes. (And I’m speaking to myself - I’m going to make this battle plan with my therapist this week iyh) Don’t assume that since you did 50 you will get the rest easy. For real liberation, you have to commit to continued work.
Learn the lesson from me. I was right where I wanted to be and enjoying liberated life but somehow I found myself back there.
Dont want to put a damper on your amazing streak!!!! Just offering some advice to let you keep it

HakolMilimala wrote on 16 Feb 2018 21:35:

You bet i take you seriously and its my greatest fear seeing some who have managged to reach such high numbers only to fall afterwards i don't know when and where it will come and meanwhile i am trying to get ready for that by reading from those who have been there and had that fall and thats why i greatly appreciate your input about a plan and would like to hear more details as to how that works

K this week I’m gonna get to really thinking about what specifically should work for me and of course everyone is different so it needs a grain of salt but I’ll keep you posted.

B"h the family situation has calmed down and now it seems much easier to concentrate on doing whats right 
so we march forward ODAAT

great to hear, hatzlacha!

ayidel wrote on 17 Feb 2018 19:02:

It’s funny because I sat down with my therapist this week and I told him that I relapsed. I thought we’d talk about breaking free from a triggering mood, but we ended up talking about why I got triggered last week, that maybe I was putting an unhealthy amount of pressure on myself to perform in yeshiva and that I have a very black and white, all or nothing look at my success and productivity, so if everything’s not perfectly white I can go black pretty fast. So we talked about not going black. But to be honest I’m still not sure how I can break free from that mood. In my past experience, usually that mood has led to bad places, and if it hasn’t, it certainly isn’t because I’ve made a conscious effort to break free from it.

So what can we do when we’re in that mood?
i can only repeat what I hear around here which I do think will work if you’re committed to do: commit to speak to a recovery partner, get yourself out of isolation quickly: go hang out with your friend/wife, relaxation, focus on positivity, and smile at someone. Do something selfless maybe.
This is a bit theoretical for me because I’m still new to the idea of being able to control my triggers. What do you think though?

ayidel wrote on 17 Feb 2018 19:02:

It’s funny because I sat down with my therapist this week and I told him that I relapsed. I thought we’d talk about breaking free from a triggering mood, but we ended up talking about why I got triggered last week, that maybe I was putting an unhealthy amount of pressure on myself to perform in yeshiva and that I have a very black and white, all or nothing look at my success and productivity, so if everything’s not perfectly white I can go black pretty fast. So we talked about not going black. But to be honest I’m still not sure how I can break free from that mood. In my past experience, usually that mood has led to bad places, and if it hasn’t, it certainly isn’t because I’ve made a conscious effort to break free from it.

So what can we do when we’re in that mood?
i can only repeat what I hear around here which I do think will work if you’re committed to do: commit to speak to a recovery partner, get yourself out of isolation quickly: go hang out with your friend/wife, relaxation, focus on positivity, and smile at someone. Do something selfless maybe.
This is a bit theoretical for me because I’m still new to the idea of being able to control my triggers. What do you think though?