Hi i will be posting a little more this next couple of days until i get myself back to safer grounds 

baruch hashem i had a clean night despite one huge challenge my EVIL yetzer hara tried throwing my way here is a copy of a text i sent a GYE friend about my challenge "B'h I've been clean since we spoke......i had one extremely challenging situation last night i found a loophole in my phone's filter and the yetzer hara was telling me now is your chance just fall and then just restart tomorrow you anyways fell already.... but i b'h stood strong and said to myself i am done listening to this stupid y'h of mine..... wrote an email to my filtering company to get my loophole fixed and had a clean night

the one tool that has been the most helpful on my struggle is having fellow GYE friends who i keep in touch with when i'm having a challenging situation and to help me clear my brain from all the bloatware, emotions to the reality..... last night when my head was spinning with tonz of emotions due to my fall. Having a conversation with my gye buddies helped me get away from the emotions back to reality and get back into my recovery process.....

 Love Yankel

Good for you mate for not underestimating the value of saying no once. That’s the whole of life, isn’t it?

Falling is a setback and it isn’t something we want. Staying clean for a long period is an achievement which isn’t nullified by a subsequent fall. Keep at it and you will get where you want to be.

Sorry for your pain .. I'm not so sure iampowerless is such a good name for you - we could all imagine what an incredible feat it must have been to get through the night after clean  ( 104 dys is no small beans either )

i-man wrote on 09 Apr 2018 04:32:

Thanks for the encouragement the truth is when i came up with my name i was feeling pretty powerless so that's why i gave myself such a name but as time went on and i became more self aware about this struggle i realized there is so much depth in my name are you ready for the shtikel? Here it goes........

One thing I've learned in therapy is that a lot of mental health issues like OCD, Anorexia and addiction's all have their roots in our human need to be in control of everything about our lives and to try to control our moods, emotions and feelings. You see when we are stuck in these cycle of addiction, OCD or food disorders what is really going on is an emotional problem or us not feeling OK and because we feel we could and must control all of our feelings we fall to a cycle of addictions, or food disorders or OCD which are all the terrible ways we try to cope with our emotions etc.

You see to properly heal from my addiction i had to realize my problem really isn't my addiction my problem is emotional and my need to try to control all of my emotional feelings ONLY ONCE I LEARNED "IAMPOWERLESS" (my name) over my feelings those are given to my by a higher power sometimes they are good other times they are awful but i accept them for what they are as i realized "IAMPOWERLESS" to change them and learned to "ride the waves" was i able to become "POWERFUL" over my addiction.

Hope that answered your question 
 Love Yankel

iampowerless wrote on 08 Apr 2018 19:12:

Dear Yankel, Thanks for sharing openly and honestly about your fall. I enjoyed chatting with you during the Pessach "break". My  personal connections with both GYE and SA brothers have been a critical part of my recovery process this time around. These include the non-judgmental acceptance and support I have received as well as the opportunities to be "of service" to others struggling brothers. Chazak v'amatz!! 

I've been a mess since my fall! After reaching 104 clean days falling was a devastating blow and when i tried again to restart i fell right away again and again and again.........i was binge masturbating and was really feeling terrible! And felt as though i blew it..........

Anyways Wednesday i met with my therapist who helped me realize that the reason why i keep on falling and it seems so hard for me to get myself back up is because i again let my brain get carried away into the fear of the future. Constantly worring about what will be i blew it.....
He asked me what helped you stay clean until now? I answered the realization that even though there are days that i'll be extremely depressed, have tonz of anxiety, and there will be days that i'll stumble into an extremely triggering  place or situation i could "ride those waves just for now" and eventually sometimes quickly sometimes a little slower but the anxiety/fantasies would go away by themselves. And by me acting on my compulsions it will make my problems worse not better (i also told him about keeping in touch with chevra when i'm overwhelmed etc,)

So he told me you could do that tactic as well today to keep clean the only reason why you keep falling right now is because due to your fall and then falling again you stopped believing in yourself that "you could actually ride the waves" and as such you are letting yourself get carried away with your anxiety into the future and get so carried away with the future and the fact that you fell and as such keep falling. 

He said all we need now for you to get back up is to again rewire your brain that belief that you could "ride the waves" and so don't get scared you don't need 104 days to just get back to where you were all you need is a few days were you feel anxiety and when you feel temptation and you safely "ride those waves" and with that you will rewire your brain again to the proper belief. So every day you ride those waves from now on you are making tommorow's struggle easier. 

Anyways that session calmed me down and now i have 2 days clean since then. But most importantly i'm again starting to believe a little bit i could actually "ride those waves" so every struggle i win will make my next struggle easier

Hope everyone has a clean shabbos where they successfuly "ride those waves"

:kissing_heart:Love Yankel 

i really hope  things work out, chazak!
no expert ,but would just like to know if youre still working on to stay clean TODAY o.d.a.a.t. ,or in the back of your mind youre thinking that you have to get back to your record of 104 days?(104 days ?!, OMG !...Boom! fall.)

wishing to hear good news.

ieeyc wrote on 13 Apr 2018 19:35:

My good friend Mr Anxiety absolutely tries this tactic "or in the back of your mind youre thinking that you have to get back to your record of 104 days?(104 days ?!, OMG !...Boom! fall.) "

But i listen to what my Friend Mr. Anxiety tells me and i answer him back you are right 104 clean days is really sweet but acting out is just going to delay reaching anything great again so that's not the solution.

Also to be honest 104 clean days is sweet but even sweeter than that is 4 clean days after falling from a streak of 104 clean days! So ODAAT I will keep on trucking!

 Love Yankel!

You inspired me so much to face my anxiety, nervousness and sleep issues head on. It’s just temporary!! I know as long as I use the help and guidance HASHEM sends me I can and will get thru these negative feelings. They are so strong I literally get pains throughout my entire body. But BH they pass.  

Why do you feel that these 4 clean days are sweeter? 

Ihavestrength wrote on 17 Apr 2018 04:33:

Not allowing yourself to stay low rather picking yourself up and showing hashem i'm not done fighting is pretty sweet!

Hi everyone i haven't put an update in a few days so here is the latest!

B'h it's been 8 days clean following my fall. I had some real tough fights this week with the yetzer hara, just today the yetzer hara waged world war 2 on me, and i came extremely close to falling but i'm proud to say i survived! and i taught myself even when the "waves" Are huge and powerful i can "ride those waves" Acting out will just make the situation and temptation more. So ODAAT i will keep "Taking deep breaths and "riding the WAVES"

 Love Yankel!

Hi everyone i haven't put an update in quite a while so here i go

Just to recap a bit after reaching 104 clean days i had a fall, it took me a few days to get myself back in order but eventually i started trucking nicely and yesterday i hit 38 days clean. Now here comes the sad part unfortunately last night and this morning i fell...........

So i'm going to restart my chart today i hope to this time be more involved in GYE as opposed to last time where i was pretty much non existent anymore on the forums.

 Love Yankel!

Ouch i fell again, to be honest when the temptation came to me today i didn't even try to fight it i just told myself "you are only holding one day in" go enjoy yourself. "have fun" afterwards you will start working on staying clean. 

You see the first time i tried stopping, it was a real project that i felt i must do if i want to enter shidduchim and i truly saw the importance of getting clean and what porn had done to my life and that gave me the energy i needed to truly do everything possible not to fall and as such baruch hashem i reached 104 days. followed by another 38 clean days.

But right now i don't feel as stuck as i originally felt, i kinda feel if i really want to stop i proved myself that i could. but right now i'm single, lonely so let me just enjoy myself a little and when the time to stop comes i could do it. so without the enthusiasm and determination that i had before when the temptation comes it's hard for me to fight it and also i feel i could always start tomorrow..........so that's my problem.

Anyways so i just had a nice chat with my sponsor and i told him all of my feelings and how i just don't feel the enthusiasm or need right now to stop. So after hearing me out he recommended me to do something i really don't want to and join PA. Anyways long story short we made a deal if i fall in the next 15 days i commit to joining  PA and on day 14 we will chat and extend the deal.......but right now i'm just commiting for 15 days (so it doesn't feel as scary) 
Another thing we agreed on is for the next 15 days any time i have to pause or exclude a website from my computer skin filter for work related purposes i must send him a text that i paused it, followed by a text when i open it and if i willingly decide not to text him when i do it it will also lead to me joining PA (it's only if i willingly decide not to text him, however if i forgot to text him then i'm not committing to anything)

So the challenge is on am i really able to get myself back on track with all the tools i used previously. or do i need to go to the next step to recover? #CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! ODAAT!

 Please Chevra cheer me on!
 GO YANKEL GO!