Numis wrote on 27 Aug 2017 20:13:

Shlomo pointed out that if your wife is there to scratch your itch, that is not mutually beneficial, it is you taking. Obviously if the relationship and sex is mutual it is quite beautiful. So if you have a problem then marriage will not alleviate it. On the contrary, the stresses of marriage will only make it worse.

However at this point in time you are not married, so the hypothetical situation of when you are married will not help you in your goal of stopping to masturbate at this time. Focusing on the task at hand will make it much easier than if you are focusing on things beyond your control.

Best of luck

Thank you for your clear insight. I would like to phrase my question differently so I can understand you more efficiently...
Is my porn and masturbation an emotional (no different than any other addict) issue or is it merely my hormones.ie sexual desire?    and Is there a practical difference ? (I think there is)

Numis wrote on 28 Aug 2017 01:38:

Can the answer be both? You have a very strong sexual desire (which is normal and healthy). You therefore emotionally have an interest in satisfying your urges.

Numis wrote on 28 Aug 2017 01:38:

Allow me to rephrase your question a little differently so I can answer that one. If I did not interpret your question correctly please let me know. 

You want to know if you are just a regular guy with a normal healthy desire for sex or if you're are addict beyond any control.

Allow me to say that at this point in time it doesn't matter. No matter whether it is an issue of addiction or healthy desire you should not be partaking on it at this time. My advice would be to start doing something as advised by other people here or found in the GYE handbook. See what works for you. If you find that the simpler tools and strategies are just not cutting it then maybe you need to try other things. By this practical method you can see where you are holding. Spending too much time in the beginning trying to diagnose yourself won't help you stay clean today.

If you are an addict don't feel fear of it as a label. It can be very liberating to put a name on something that has tortured you most of your life. By the same token don't jump to that label it has to make sense for you.

Aha I definitely understand you now...   (I think your very right about not wanting to label myself an addict mostly for me because that's makes it into a lifelong issue which is not redeeming at first thought)

That's not what I am referring to when I say emotional. Everyone most definitely  has emotions in whatever they engage in whether good or bad . I was asking if what I was engaging in was to fill an emotional void in some other area. For example loneliness, bitterness, feeling worthless, or to get out the steam after a fight...

You will have to answer a lot of these questions yourself.  You may very well find that marriage helps you.  For someone who is an addict, marriage does not help.  Do you find that over time you need more or more intense acting out?  Meaning, is it getting worse over time? 

Do you think that there is an underlying emotional problem?  Do you have a healthy family life, childhood, friendships etc.?  Making sure that you have friends and that you stay busy with positive things can really help.  It could be a hobby, exercise, reading etc.

There are all sorts of people here.  If someone is really out of control, these things will not do the job.  But, for someone that has a bad habbit, they can really help.

We all have varying degress of bad habbit - addiction, and many levels of addiction.  That is why the handbook is helpful.  You can try some of the easier things and see if they help. If they do not, you may need something stronger.

I really look at it the same way a doctor would look at a headache.  First, he would tell you to take some Advil.  If that doesn't help, he would try something else.  He would not order a cat scan right away. That is only once he could not find any other plausable source.  I would approach this  the same way.  Try some basic, easy things first.  If they do not work, then try some things that are a bit more powerful.

I wish you all the best! Don't over think things too much.  Friendships are really golden and can help a lot in this area.

Welcome numis. Iyh you should have a lot of hatzlocha. Keep posting and using the various GYE tools. If you are comfortable, speaking to someone can be very helpful. 

Thank you:)  like in person or on here?

I am actually not in SA i'm in EA (emotions Anonymous). I apologies for not being clear.
EA is what I meant by learning and doing the 12 steps. In EA instead of focusing on the specific form of acting out, we focus on the emotion that makes you feel like acting out. we have all kinds of addicts (alcoholics, substance abuse,lust etc) in EA and it seems to work for us to help us regulate our emotions and to live life on G-ds terms and hence not feel the need to control how I feel by acting out.. 
Bty have read rabbi Shais Taubs book G-d of our understanding? Its a winner! It can really help you understand who you are and why you do what you do.

Good luck

Both types of friends can be helpful.  The more "real" the friendship, the better.  A friend on an online anonymous forum can help, but not nearly as much as if you called him on the phone, and not nearly as much as meeting in person.  The more real and stronger the connection, the better.  You may have a real life friend that you can talk to.  Perhaps a relative.  A rav or rebbi.  The more real the relationship, the better.