Hi guys, here's my story...

well, my story is not so simple, I think it can't be told while standing on one foot, and I'm standing now with just one foot in here...
Basically, I signed up to this site 3 weeks ago. I didn't yet do any serious thing about it (besides signing up for the chizuk emails, which I check every here and then), but today something dawned at me about how stupid my addictive and destructive behavior is. It was an intensive thing in my work life where I kept on blaming numerous people but the person who is really responsible for that, myself. I realized that if I continue with this behavior I will most definitely not succeed anywhere in life and lose what I've already accomplished.
I have right there and then promise myself to start counting and climbing the ladder of 90 days, and to start to participate actively in this site in order to do my hishtadlus of helping myself getting healthy.

Amazing! Welcome!

Welcome!  How about your acting out history?  That is the real story.  Share your struggles.  You will find chizzuk here. Check out the handbook for lots of great information.  Keep posting.

I didn't yet get the time to write my acting out history, hope to do so somewhere soon. For now I"ll just copy paste from a comment I just wrote.



I felt basically like you and nothing helped me to understand what the heck is going on with me, where I'm standing at, what my real struggles are, and what is the thing(s) I need to do to help myself... This situation went on for years till I was referred to therapy by Relief. I started therapy (tried a few therapists) and was referred to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. The moment the psychiatrist asked me if I have anything more to say and if I'm ready to hear bluntly what's going on with me, I felt that this was the moment! This is what I'm waiting for the past 20 years! and indeed it was!!! He gave me such a clear and precise picture and map of what's happening that I couldn't doubt it. It was painful but relieving (on some degree) at the same moment. In my case this was the only thing that gave me hope and here I am on my second day sober (I had much more days in the past but my life was so miserable then and wasn't interested in nothing, but now I feel I'm still living and I'm interested in work and in people), and still feeling calm and collected, as long as I do the little homework they (doctor and therapist) gave me. I'm not fully ready yet to join a live SA group, but meanwhile I'm trying to benefit from the support on here.

He gave me such a clear and precise picture and map of what's happening that I couldn't doubt
it."

Wow!  Most of us never get anything close to this.  It is quite a special gift.

gibbor120 wrote on 25 Aug 2017 14:43:

B"H I'm thankful for that. That happened after almost 2 years running around for help trying so many methods. I still need a lot of help, but knowing the complex nature of my problems helps a lot.

The description of how you have no interest in things is one that is very relatable. Personally, it is my nature to be very non emotional and very blasé. It's not even specifically that I only want porn but with life in general. I come of as someone with no emotions or opinions. I'm the "I don't know" guy. A lot of it is that I'm not interested in talking or sharing with the person, so more of an outward thing, but it can be internal too. When I'm in the moment I can blow off almost anything, even things I like. 

Everyone can relate in their own ways. I just thought what you posted was a very pointed and striking way of describing it. Really hit home emotionally. 

What exactly did the psychiatrist say?