Hi all,
It's been a while. I lost my old account and -- though someone tried to help -- it seems like it's not coming back, so here goes -- certainly the fresh start is for the best.
I keep telling myself I'm young (early 20s), but that excuse is fading, and I feel this pressure -- others around me starting to figure out their lives, get themselves organized, etc. etc. and I'm not, and the reason is addiction -- I keep not facing stressful things. After all, it's so much easier to waste away in front of a computer screen...
Anyhow, I am trying to take some steps to learn courage/normality, but everything is so...um, you know, hard. It's hard to reach out to a stranger, hard to ask for help and to be persistent about it -- whether it be help finding a therapist, whether it be help building a resume, finding a place to live, finding a chevreh, attaching to a chevreh, all of these except the "therapist" one are still hypotheticals at which I've not yet succeeded, and even that one took a couple years to get the courage to do, and it took some external initiative before it actually happened xD whatever I am right now, it is the opposite of a "self-starter" xD
B''H I'm not homeless and my parents, their money, and the "system" have taken care of me so far...but I'm still constantly escaping into the internet, into stupid games, b''h not porn any more but still an awful lot of fantasizing and acting out...it's time to figure out how to take help and get a grip.
When I was here last, the longest I ever made it was maybe a month...at the end of the month I was "high" to the point where it was a bit scary to me...but was still totally disconnected from my environment. I tried connecting to people through work, since that's a natural source of structure, but that didn't last and ended up still being a "high" and not connection...the newsletters are sometimes inspiring and I keep reading them...idunno. I'm going to review the resources/guides on this site and maybe figure out how to start living again.
If not...well, for some reason the thought of becoming a spiritual "nobody" doesn't scare me, even though intellectually I know that it's an affront to what I am as a human and a Yid, and must be very painful for my soul...the intellect can drive some action, at least when I'm not busy escaping...idunno. I don't know what to do.
Life is good
AEP
