That was along time since i was last on the forum. B.H. i am doing good, the lusting and fantasies are under control - for most of the time. It helped me to realize that i have to want myself, if i do it for someone else because i am scared the outcome from it, it just does not work, the pressure, if coming from outside, is too big to be able to manage. So once i decided i am doing it for me and not get affected what other people think of me i am doing much better. I consider feelings of other people and i also try to understand them but i do not let them affect my mood and i for sure to not act out on them.
My therapist also helped me alot to understand how feeling and actions are connected, no difference if these feelings are known or unknown, the whole system from bottom to top is connected and every reaction from any situation comes from the childhood imprints.
Fortunately my addiction is not based on an official trauma, i B.H. had a good childhood, was not abused, my parents are still married - many more years i.y.h., and i feel very lucky. My only possibility of getting close to a trauma that i possibly did not get enough attention/love from my parents, and when that was missing i just went to my room all by myself - and if there is no one else to give me love - i just have to give it to myself - that is how my addiction developed into fully fledged monster which it was until about two years ago. Since then i had my ups and downs but at least i learned through this forum and with my therapist, how to handle situation were i feel like acting out.
I will iyh continue my story a different time.
Warning: Spoiler!
