B"H, I overcame a bump in the road. Was extremely overwhelmed and overtired the last 2 weeks. Funny thing is, I B"H didn't have urges to act out. I think I can attribute it to the fact that I was in a positive mood these days. I might have fallen of my nose but didn't fall of my head. 

Markz wrote on 28 Nov 2018 04:41:

There was a period in my life, which I thought I was transformed into a mouse. Or maybe my lion was just hibernating.

B"H I'm doing OK. Still struggle with intimacy when it doesn't involve sex. Or perhaps it is just plain people skills. I find that I distance myself a little when wife is not available. Perhaps a BB post is in order.

Also I need to learn how to set boundaries for myself. I take on too many projects, whether work or personal, without a proper consideration of how long things actually take versus how much time I actually have. My username is not Superman.

We haven't chatted in a while. Do you need help finding the keys?

The last few days have been very rough. I fell Thursday night and last night again. I am struggling with resentment over petty stupid things.

My wife isn't available for an extended period of time and a big chunk of the time, it was due to her fault. It is stupid how it should bother me so badly. I've had longer periods of abstinence and managed well. Now I am dealing with the resentment which is holding me back to get over it. 

I think it is better for me to drop the fight. I think I fell last night due to feeling depressed about Thursday night's fall. I need to not care if I fall, and just try to do my best every day. I just came off over a month of successfully clean days with Hashem's help. That period I wasn't focusing on not falling, just focusing on being a better person, a better husband, and a better father. I need to start doing that again.

Also, it is becoming somewhat of a mantra, but I need to keep posting.

Sorry to hear, I feel the same way. If she's not available because of something she did ( like stay up to late) vs. something happened to her (pregnancy/period) I feel more like I want to act out.

I'm not sure why, but I think in my sick mind it gives me a excuse to act out and not feel so guilty about it ( hey it's her fault)

Even though obviously that's a bunch of b.s. 

So what has kept me clean in those trying times? For this round,  So far it's a deal i made with someone. If I act out he has to give a donation to a charity he doesn't like.

Hatzlacha

This was a constant theme with me too. "I am allowed to act out because either Hashem or someone else made the situation impossible". It was almost like I was punishing Hashem.....  BH graduated that, and iyh you will too. If I may add, extended off limits time are a good time to mentally prepare to be a real mensch when it is mutar again. To act in a way that we can be proud of afterwards, and that brings kedusha into the bedroom. And not to "use" my wife for my "needs". Hatzlocha!

I haven't updated my thread in a while. B"H my current approach is working for now.

In a nutshell, I don't care if I fell, or not; If I have 90 days or 0 days. My goal is to try to do the best I can every day. Be a better husband, a better father, and better Jew. I'm not there yet, and I will never be, until my last day on this world, however I must try daily to overcome my personal challenges and be a proper servant to Hashem. 

Some people might call that, surrendering their will to Hashem, some people are good at it. Some struggle with only being able to surrender before a fall, but not being able to surrender their fall to Hashem as well.

I struggle with it all. I have a gaavah issue, and I think constantly about the "if only...". Then I get stressed and resentful, which is the reasons I self medicate with acting out. 

I am working on recognizing or at least accepting Hashem's will for me.

Hatzlocha Rabba

i didn't read more than 2 posts on this thread, but from your portrayal of your current apporach, i think that you are in a great mindset.

But may i please add?   The "surrender" i have learnt and experienced in the program if a profoundly humbling sensation that (needs to) encompass every aspect of my daily life.  NO, i haven't "surrendered' all aspects of my life, but YES the Humbling-awed feeling of surrender that i have in even one aspect of my day, leaves me in sort of a state of "shell-shock" that encompasses me all day long.

Much has yet to be said on these boards about the true SURRENDER that members have achived working the 12 steps, and not-for-nought does the SA-WB speak so highly about the life-changing impacts of responding to all our issues from such a state.

I haven't posted on my thread for about 8 months. Overall, I had a lot of good times with some occasional falls here and there. Mostly doing better, with my stinking thinking.

The last few weeks have been disastrous. I don't have much willpower to even want to stop. I'm drugged up on my dopamine. Perhaps Elul will be the spark to get me back on track.
Hashem is sending me messages. Even Disney is trying to get me back. Just saw a campaign they are doing with "The Return of the Lion King". Yes, I got the hint. Time to return...

Hi LionKing,

Looks like you stop posting around the time I joined the forum around 8 months ago.  I briefly read through your thread.  You are a good writer and able to express your thoughts very well.  You seem like someone who is in touch with themselves.  I look forward to reading your future posts. 

Thanks Dave for your compliment.

I have a hard time connecting to my emotions and properly dealing with them.

I recently heard a story about the Sanz'er Rav zt"l.

The Rebbe once went to a Doctor, and the Doctor enquired about the Rebbe's occupation.
The Rebbe responded that he is busy building bridges.
The Doctor was a little taken back and asked, What is the name of the bridge the Rebbe built?
The Rebbe responded, he is busy building bridges between the mind and the heart.

What can I say, I'm not even busy building that bridge.

When an urge comes, break down things into 5 minute blocks. Say to yourself, I will do an activity for the next 5 minutes to take my mind off the urge. But the key is to see the urge for what it is, an urge...external to you. But triggered by your genuine emotions. So long term you need to live a life that nourishes you in a healthy way. That is about fulfilment from positive activities and a realistic approach. But when the urge strikes, you do need a tactical plan. Try walking, reading, calling a friend etc. Or mindfulness.www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior

Try this ebook:https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. It strikes a great balance between helping the reader not feel down and helping him get moving in the right direction. It's encouraging, practical, and guilt-trip free, which is so important for your situation. A couple of pages a night can make you feel like you're doing something to move in the right direction.

Hatzlacha!

Also, it's a good idea to focus some on growing in other areas too, and not only focus on this struggle. Why don't you try listening to some lectures from Rabbi Ben Zion Shafier? He has uplifting speeches on a variety of topics that bring meaning to Yiddishkeit. See his website www.TheShmuz.com. (And they're free  .) Changed my life and many others' too.

(He also has a great series about tayva called The Fight that's really good. But don't only focus on tayva. Also look into all random topics that will bring meaning to your Avodas Hashem.)

lionking wrote on 28 Aug 2019 20:22:

If I'm remembering correctly, Reb Yisroel Salanter says the largest distance in the world is the space between one's head and heart

I was a little setback from posting due to a PM I received where someone wrote to me that my posts were offending other people. My ego was slighted, and I didn't want to post any more offending posts. However, I finally told myself to grow up and not care what some random person wrote. If he feels my posts are a problem, that's his problem, not mine.
p.s. Mr. Anonymous: Please don't respond to this post, because then everyone would know who wrote that PM. I got over it and forgave you already.

I had an interesting phenomenon last night, I was in the middle of an intense project, didn't eat or sleep well, and suddenly I notice that I am rubbing myself through my clothes. I B"H stopped right away. However, it shows how badly these are my default reflexes in dealing with stress.