I recognise that we all sin, just in different ways. I see that many people greater than I have areas they struggle with tremendously and I just don't feel that over powering guilt I used to. I no longer really believe that Hashem is going to pounce on me for my aveiros. I believe my life is a process of struggling and achieving. 

Hey Bego,

I wanna start off with saying - I am not judging you, I have my own struggles which needs a lot of improvement - to put it a nice way - Just wanna add my 2 cents.

I think its true that all humans have their struggles, and many struggle with serious stuff. Isn't this the reason we're put in to this world?!. -  we try our best, there are times we succeed and time when we fail. When we make a mistake by transgressing of the torah - we can repent and use it as a learning experience on how to get better and make sure it doesn't happen again. And if it does happen again, we learn from that and make more and stronger gedurim. But to say: "I no longer really believe that Hashem is going to pounce on me for my aveiros" seems to be a of track.
Does this make any sense?

fromnow wrote on 29 Jun 2022 14:21:

it does make sense, yes.

But what can I tell you, I don't think that is teshuva. By definition, the yodea ta'alumos knows I will sin again and not because He knows everything, but because it is clear that my teshuva isn't total. You call it repenting and learning. I call that starting a process that might lead to teshuva. All
that leaves me to think that this Rambam is aspirational. It is the end of a process. The logical corollary of that is that Hashem watches the process. He knows that we are all on different paths to different places. You talk about stronger gedorim and learning more. It's a galgal hachozer. you just make it harder for yourself to sin. You didn't change (yes, i am aware the ba'aeli mussar think this is a madreigo - believe me, I've learnt a fair amount). 

It also means Hashem doesn't pounce. He isn't evil (ch'v).

Whatever, hard to explain without going into way too much details. 

​Do I think (most) people change their inner nature (not their outer actions)? Not really, not in any major ways. In small amounts. here and there. But maybe, that's what Hashem is truly expecting of us. 

Does anyone know what I'm doing wrong and why my quoting keeps on not working?????

You quoted @fromnow just fine

If you're as well versed in the baalei mussar as you say, don't you think you run the risk of being a mumar l'davar echad? That's a scary place to be IMO.

The guys who try and fail, try and fail and pick up themselves up again are I think very different than the guys who close the book on trying.

When I'm going through a crisis I sometimes think of R' Pincus's explanation of 'Yismach Lev Mevakshei Hashem', that even if things in my avoda aren't going well I should rejoice just because I'm a mevakesh. (I think he says we also are muvtach to succeed in the end...)

Did Bego ever say hes closing the book on trying? He just doesent have the urge to feel now like life ended... and all the scary things will now happen in this world and the other one... 

That's the way I read his posts. And I relate to that.

bego wrote on 29 Jun 2022 14:29:

You are correct that most people don't change their insides. But some people do. I have seen it in myself over the past year. I have seen tremendous changes in my inner nature, and this is coming from someone who thought he would be masturbating till 120 and who thought he had bigger taivos and worse nisyonos than everyone else. I am far from perfect, but I am substantially changed in my inner nature from where I was one year ago. I'm just saying that just because most people never change their insides, doesn't mean one cannot aspire to it and achieve it.

Hi all

Sorry, I didn't mean to ignore the responses. I've just been dealing with a lot the past month.

 B"H a month of reasonable cleanness. No actual masturbation. A couple of quick looks at porn which are more to do with tiredness than anything. 

I want to be me. 

Hi all

Just popping in for a brief moment. 

If I broke my silence i may as well break it properly...

One thing for the site - newbies - it's not so simple. I had some massive long clean breaks. Genuinely thought I had cracked it. But alas not. Nothing overly crazy, but not great. 

Please, don't let yourself be fooled that because you're a "yid" that that solves everything. It doesn't make you holy. it doesn't solve your porn issue. Hard work does. Which I'm sorely lacking right now.  

bego wrote on 30 Nov 2022 14:11:

Too true. Even though I'm B"H getting closer to a year clean and I've been clean since joining GYE BS"D, I still have urges and I still have to work hard, and I still don't know if I'll have the courage to get up if I C"V fall.

Hi all

Wow, it's been a while. 

​I've fallen several times. Baby disturbing us at night. Not great. Very tired all the time. 

​Does Hashem care? I've no idea. the most I know, is that I should care.  

But I don't at the moment. Or at least, not enough. 

Hi, I feel sorry for your problems, that Pornography etc is your solution. At least that much I care.

Sapy wrote on 20 Mar 2023 22:48:

Thanks Sapy. Nice to see your name and nice to hear you care. 

Deleted*

bego wrote on 20 Mar 2023 17:21:

Hi nice to meet you. I struggle with those exact thoughts. The painful thought of Hashem not caring is so crushing and overpowering at times you feel you were born just to suffer. I totally get that. Just know, there really are others out there with the same stuff bouncing around their heads and it kills them. Maybe its even most frum yidden who struggle with it. We hear all kinds of stories of "I heard Hashem calling" or "I felt Hashem holding my hand" and I have trouble relating. A huge factor in our relationship with Hashem and how we connect to Him is our connection with our parents and particularly our fathers. The father is supposed to be the "mashal" of Hashem to his children. There are many comparisons in the Torah of Hashem to a loving Father. But what about those amongst us who did not have a loving father, or, more commonly, had a father who loved but didnt know how to express it and often gave the opposite message? What about a father whose every interaction with his children did NOT convey "I love you, I believe in you, you are precious to me no matter what" but rather "You can't do anything by yourself, you will always need me to advise and protect you, you cant make any decisions on your own, you are loved only if you give us nachas by becoming famous or rich, you will only win favor with me if you follow the path I delineate for you, and MAKE SURE TO LOSE WEIGHT!!"? Is there any surprise that the child has extreme difficulty relation to Hashem as the One who loves him, believes in him and, yes, accepts him for who he is? Is there any surprise that in his mind, Hashem is this giant Someone in the sky shaking His head at him going "tsk tsk"? It becomes a lifelong struggle for the child to understand that Hashem is BEGGING for a relationship with him and is NOT out to destroy him and did NOT put him here just to torture him and He is NOT calling over the malachim saying "Hey Gavriel! Michael! Come here! Watch this! Watch Me put some more suffering on this miserable person's head...Wheeeee isnt this fun?" (I literally have those thought in my head sometimes. Need I explain what kind of father I have?)
I wonder if that's your experience. Sorry if I'm totally off, that's just how I see why I'm stuck in this thought process that you described