Dreamer wrote on 22 Jan 2017 14:44:
gibbor120 wrote on 20 Jan 2017 17:45:
Your post focuses primarily on "fences" of one sort or another. Recovery focuses on living in a way that you are not tempted to go near those fences (at least most of the time).
"holding your breath", or "white knuckling" is not recovery. Although it is sometimes necessary. It can't be a way of life.
You are right that true recovery isn't about placing fences, but ultimately it's also dependent on that, at least for me in the early stages.
How many times have I felt that I'm truly above falling again and despised my previous behavior, but yet inevitably there will be challenges to that conviction, and if proper fences are not in place all the progress can evaporate in a matter of a few clicks..
But as I said the fences themselves present their own challenges, and when temptation strikes again, as it inevitably will, the locked out feeling can potentially be even more destructive..
So true about the locked out feeling being more destructive. For me, it's always been a struggle to find the right middle between good fences and not locking myself out in a way that I want to test the waters and see what holes there are in the fences.
On the other hand, as things progress I think I WANT more fences because why would I want to cause myself trouble if I really want to embrace recovering?
Case in point- recently we were at a wedding, and for one of the first times ever my wife was standing across the room and saw me look at a girl. Guilty as charged, and when our eyes met my wife mouthed "Stop looking!"
I was humiliated and angry at her for saying it that way in the moment. But I realized that of course she is rightfully hurt.
Two days later we spoke about it, and amazingly, each of us understood the other side. She mentioned hat we were going to another Simcha and maybe I should take off my glasses. I can see without them but people's faces and bodies are a blur.
I didn't make much of it, and gen we went to the Simcha. When we were there I was about to glance at a girl, and I said "Ehy the heck would I want to do that? I want to do better than this, my wife will be hurt, so I don't WANT to be able to see well".
So I took to my glasses, and that was it. And I was happier and relieved.
So sometimes it also depends on where you want to be- that you won't feel restricted if you decided that you really would rather not see.
I guess you have to tweak it to see what works best for you, and only you will know that.
