yup changing ourselves 
and finding ourselves

when it says in shulchan aruch that one can have sex to be matzil maveirah what does that constitute
does it mean if  you feel lust focus it on your wife or if you feel a specific y"h use your wife instead
or other options?

tzomah wrote on 27 Mar 2017 08:33:

You will get two different answers here from the forum members.
The addicts response will not be the same as those fighting the yetzer hora.
Talking personally, (addict) - sex with my wife never stopped me from acting out.
And 'using' my wife stopped me from having an intimate sexual relationship with her.
However, focusing my lust on my wife did help me to get out of constant porn addiction, but she wasn't in the room so not sure if that's what was meant. I don't think the mechaber was talking to sex addicts.

tzomah wrote on 27 Mar 2017 08:33:

The simple meaning, i think, is if one was exposed to a very triggering matzav (whatever that may be for him), and is afraid he will not be able to control himself, one should have sex with their wife. However that does not mean one should use his wife as a masturbating tool. The sex should be healthy giving and intimate. If one finds themselves not doing that, they should be speaking to a rov/therapist familiar with sexual addiction on how to proceed. Many of us (addicts and non addicts alike) were advised to practice celibacy for a certain period of time as part of our showing ourselves we could be in control, and to retrain how we treat our wives. How far one goes with this has a lot to do with if he is fighting the yetzer hora or an illness/addiction. Obviously these are matters we should not pasken by ourselves and should stick to shulchan aruch unless an appropriate authority tells us specifically otherwise.

 i don't mean a masturbating tool and she is enjoying it and it is intimate but at the same time you can feel your own lust and maybe even do things you would not have done had you not had this problem what  is that and is it even possible ?
what does celibacy mean?

tzomah wrote on 27 Mar 2017 11:36:

My wife doesnt enjoy it if I am lusting.
She knows its not about her, its about me.

tzomah wrote on 27 Mar 2017 11:36:

Celibacy means refraining from actual sexual relations. Intimacy is still happening, just not the actual act.

Sounds like your lust is not on too high of a level, anf if that's the case, a little ta'avah is normal. Or could be you are in denial.......... If that's the case, your wife may feel she is being used.

I agree with HHM that it sounds like your' lust aint to high if I am wrong please ignore me...
Therefore as a non addict GS/HHM really said it all a little tiavah triggered by something and then being with the wife FOR THE WIFE is what chazal mean (coming from a rebbe of mine and a sefer בינין הבית) and for me it helps (B"H I have a wife who understands and wants to help but I still need to be careful as the addicts can explain and did)

Great job trying to understand this keep the open mindedness and you will get far

ok so maybe lust is a strong word but i have done and said things i saw in porn or things i fantasized about (although for sure got better since i started this) 
what is that does matzil maveirah kick in or am i just sick?
i for sure feel lots of guilt especially as she learnt to talk like me witch just adds to my guilt 
i also feel i can only start owning up to this now that i started getting clean

Tzomah, have you listened to simcha feuerman's chosson shiurim on the website? If not, you may find your answers there.

i took your advice from a different post i'm in the middle of shiur 5 

b'h doing great and gut shabbos all 
any ideas for activities that boost adrenaline and a feeling of adventure?

Hike in the rain

tzomah wrote on 24 Mar 2017 09:39:

That's awesome! Cherish (your wife and) this time where you're doing great. Hopefully it lasts a while. At some point life will throw a curveball (hopefully for a short time) and if you fully connect during these good times, it'll make you stronger when the going gets tough.

bb0212 wrote on 31 Mar 2017 12:30:

I second the motion.