I grew up non-religious in a home where Schmutz magazines were at my disposal and 'acceptable'.
Through college, relationships were not intended to be marriages, they were for sexual experimentation.
I married (by choice) a woman whom was pure and virtuous and had a system of beliefs that sex and marriage would create a oneness between 2 people.
But.. I still had schmutz.
First it was hardcopy magazines, then it was VHS tapes, then it migrated to video files and cd-r, then to streaming and very easy online access.
I always managed to have this as background noise, as a private 'hobby' away from everyone else and (you can argue religiously about the immorality portion and the affect that has on a holy home) largely it was not affecting my life, work, family, wife and eventually kids.
Then came the advent of chatrooms and webcam. Where with NO money down, you could have spontaneous sexual dialog with myriads of women and be largely if not totally anonymous.
That was the start of my downfall. Til that point, when I was 39 (6 years ago) I could keep schmutz at bay, but it was always there.
Webcam meant creating of 'friends' and creation of relationships with a totally different world. If you add spending money to this mix, you have a recipe for everything but actual physical contact being available to you 24/7. (so NOT having sex or a physical relationship with a 'fake' friend online meant safe and not cheating, and there was an edge to the ongoing breathing newness in every interaction.)
Now, 6 years later I have spent money, I have become emotionally vested in 'friends' and my addiction has me on the internet or some social contact site in some way every few HOURS (still largely able to support a 2 day Yom Tov and/or Shabbos without communications--- even there too, it has created a stumble point.)
Impact at home
- my wife feels alienated by me and that she is not needed
- my kids don't see it largely, but household 'chores' are not ever fully completed, due to some financial strains they don't get the best of everything, and my patience is often not what it could be
-my job feels that I am working and doing the requisite items, but as a sales person I have not busted out into a champion and occasionally things get behind.
Issues I have
I enjoy these 'friends' as an escape from life pressures
I have integrated support of these 'friends' and an infrastructure with them that precipitates continuance of bad habits.
I have felt and still feel that life passed me by and having my own little dirty secret is in some way LIVING. --I can see most days that this 'living' is actually dying or stagnating, but the euphoria I sometimes get makes me feel so very much alive.
