cordnoy wrote on 03 Feb 2017 01:17:




Personally I could not agree more with your agreement.

Watson wrote on 03 Feb 2017 00:23:




Hashem has blessed me with all types of wonderful support. ברוך השם, and he spreads the ברכה to His children. We are so lucky to be Jewish 
You guys are also part of that support!
Thank you

ColinColin wrote on 02 Feb 2017 23:28:

Thank you, correct & amen! May you have much fulfillment in the wife dept, spiritually, physically & emotionally! (not sure whether or not you're married)
ColinColin wrote on 02 Feb 2017 23:28:

I would say that generally speaking, the statement that somebody would have שמירת הברית problems because they're single would be very wrong. 
 How would a married man struggling with שמירת הברית respond to that? How would a single guy (there are a number in these forums) that has success with שמירת הברית respond to that? Hashem put us on this world for a reason & gives us challenges for a reason. If we are giving it 100% & we're still failing, it's one thing. But how common is that? Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever find the right one - that's up to Hashem - so if I remain single for life, will that excuse hold up in court after 120? "I'm sorry, but I was single, I couldn't control myself." just won't cut it. 

Colin, I very much appreciate your thoughts, (really!) please don't take this as an attack if I sound a bit strong, I just very strongly disagree with that. And thank you again for your thoughts.
ColinColin wrote on 02 Feb 2017 23:28:

Me too, it already has helped way more than I thought it would...

I agree with everything everyone is agreeing with on this thread but I do believe (very strongly) in the concept of lo tov for man to be alone.
Men were created to be givers and to have a wife to be able to give to.
Yes it might make for a rollercoaster ride for a few years, but an acknowledged addict who knows what he is and is starting to recover is in a way better place than an addict in the throes of the addiction and in denial, and i would say most certainly , it is NOT good for man to be alone.. addict or not.

GrowStrong wrote on 03 Feb 2017 07:27:

Agreed 100%, I would love to be married now, just haven't found the right girl.

bb02012

I do not believe there is a "generally speaking."
Shmirat HaBrit problems can be linked to various triggers; no two people are guaranteed to be the same.

Some have lust issues.
Others are lonely and seek comfort from porn.

These lead to the same end result, but have different triggers, are caused by different things, different emotions.

Have a look at what you wrote - 

Question: "How long have you been struggling? 

Answer: Since a few months after we were separated.

I was upset (to put it mildly) that my ex wanted a "temporary" separation (which ended up being permanent) and started looking at porn as some sort of revenge. The revenge factor is long since gone, but I awoke a sleeping monster."


You admit you have struggled after your separated.
You did not have this problem whilst married.

I fail to see how looking at porn is revenge.
But I can see how it provides "junk food" comfort.

I realise my ideas are not the usual on here, but I know for myself that if I am lonely I am much more likely to have Shmirat HaBrit problems than if I am socially active.

Shavua tov Colin, please see my comments above.
I definitely agree that if I'm married it would be easier to be שומר הברית and it definitely was. But it's not the reason that I struggle with this. The reason I want to be in control before getting remarried is that getting married won't take away habits.

I believe R Twerski says many times "marriage is not a hospital."

Kol hakovod to you for working on yourself, no matter what your circumstances.

Great quote Dr.

bb0212 wrote on 03 Feb 2017 04:47:

Hey hey, let's not get too personal here.

bb0212, your story sounds like absolute hell. I pray it gets better and you find true happiness in this world. Keep in touch with all of us. Keep going. 

Singularity wrote on 06 Feb 2017 11:25:

Thank you. It's not absolute hell. It was very difficult when I was depressed (I would definitely consider depression absolute hell), but through the recovery from depression, I've learned how to appreciate life & I've gained a very strong connection to our Father upstairs. Bh life is awesome. Difficulties are part and parcel of life. Every clean day makes it even better. :-)

Great attitude! An inspiration for all of us May Hashem give you koach to keep it up!

bb0212 wrote on 06 Feb 2017 14:25:

Beautiful

Could still be hell, but you got your firesuit on 

Singularity wrote on 07 Feb 2017 09:45:

Nope. It took time, but after years of being fed the message of fire and brimstone I discovered that God is actually really nice. He loves me. He's not putting me through hell, he's helping me out a bit (a lot). Just because I don't know what and why this helps, and it seems like a difficult situation, doesn't mean that it's hell. It just means that I don't know. And it's, in all likelihood not hell, but rather a path to heaven.

again, beautiful.

I'm just doing my part. I need to tell you it sounds like hell. You need to realise it's all for the good.

My chavrusa just lost his kid at 6 months' pregnancy. This following a previous miscarriage as well. And this guy is an actual illui, never stops learning, such a nice guy, constantly working on himself (we learn mussar together, discuss our lives).

He told me the worst thing someone said to him is "Hashem does everything for the good!"
It's true, but it's only his cheshbon, not anyone else's. He told me the best comment he got was from one of his rabbeim in Israel,

"OY, MAN, THAT SUCKS!!!"

I've heard the idea quoted often. Another's gashmiyus is your ruchniyus.

Rav Twerski brings a story. A rav going around for yeshiva donations, the donors say, "Doesn't the Mishna say, bread and salt, and water? Why so lavish?"
He responds, "It also says, etz chayim hi l'machazikim ba. From the donors' perspective, we must give all we can. From the learners' perspectives, they must know to subsist and not indulge."