Haven't written in a while.  Baruch Hashem, I got through the holidays in much better shape that I expected.

At one point when I was feeling overwhelmed and very negative, I used a variation of a 10th step worksheet that I made.  There's a famous one to write down fears and resentments and I found it is extremely helpful for helping me pin-point my negative emotions and processing them, but still, it keeps my focus on the negative and at best I keep going from negative 10 to 0, which is still very good, but it doesn't seem to help me cultivate positive thoughts and emotions.

So, my columns look like this:
1.  People, places, or things that I feel strongly about
2.  A few details of why.
3. This column is sub-divided into 4 basic positive character traits and 4 basic negative ones (based on the kaballistic idea that we're made of 4 elements, and each one is responsible for a different characteristic).
4. Recover actions I could take.

I made an inventory of all these things that were upsetting me -- my wife, children, the holidays, work, etc.Then I went through the columns, checking off all these negative feelings.  I took a step back and looked at it and realized -- hey, these are things that most people would feel happy about, being married, having children, celebrating the holidays. It just struck me, if I had no positive feelings about any of this, my perspective must be totally out of wack, and that helped me to start seeing more of the positive and to start feeling more positive.

More recently, I've noticed that my general attitude is to be negative, and I am feeling very unmotivated, not excited about much going on in my life.  This constant negativity in the background of my thoughts (and often in the foreground) is not healthy or easy to keep up and definitely makes me more susceptible to acting out.  I was recently introduced to this whole family of origin theory, and there's definitely a lot more baggage I'm carrying around, and it runs much deeper, than I realized. So that's an area of healing I am starting to take actions towards.  Also, about the general dissatisfaction with life, I am starting to put up boundaries so at least the things I don't like right now won't overwhelm me as much, and I'm starting to keep my eyes open for any changes I might be able to make, and I can't say that new doors have opened wide for me already, but they have started to crack open a little bit, which is good.

--NL354

Attitude of Gratitude!

You seem to be very mathematical and analytical. Have you done Eiruvin Daf 76, or Sukkah Daf 8? Maybe that would give you some positivity. 
But I hear. I don't like negative. It's easy to hit ourselves because then we can justify apathy. But KOT as they say here. Hatzlocha brother.

Affirmative.

Live Long and Prosper.

--NL354

When I first found out about the steps from here at GYE, I went ahead and read them and, probably like a lot of people, I said, "that sounds good, I've got it... what's next!" Thinking I was finished and ready to move on.

I wondered if the steps would work for dealing with general problems with my emotions, as well, since this seemed to be what was fueling the acting out. The response I got at the time was that the steps are more involved than I realized, and that working the steps of SA for not acting out will eventually uncover my other emotions and improve them.

That was partially right.  As a result of 12-step recovery, my life did improve in many areas besides that I was acting out a lot less.  I was more present with my wife and children, less riddled with fears and resentments, and I was much more functional and responsible in my work and in my community.

Still, about half a year ago, after being clean from acting out for nearly two years (following two other long clean streaks of about a year-and-a-half each), and being much better financially thanks to another 12-step program, I felt I was reaching a new breaking point of frustration and depression.

I thought that if the 12-steps had worked in these other areas, then why not apply them directly to my emotions.  So, even though this idea had been dismissed years ago as a major mis-understanding of recovery, I decided to look into it.  I did find another 12-step group specifically for emotions (Emotions Anonymous).  I am finding the specific focus on emotion, a real focus on "carrying these principals into all our affairs," without concentrating on any particular vice, has gotten me to a much better place.

Just wanted to share, in case it might be helpful to anyone.

--NL354

I just updated my chart here and -- presto!  -- I turned into a tzaddik!

I had asked before about finding more fulfillment in life as part of maintaining sobriety.  I assumed it meant to find a more fulfilling job, or a hobby I am really passionate about, or something like that.

In some work I am doing as part of EA (Emotions Anonymous), it has been suggested to me to start keeping track of those moments throughout the day when I feel a positive energy, and to keep a notebook with me to keep track of them.  I put off getting the notebook for a couple of weeks, but yesterday I got one and started writing these things down. It is really easy and natural for me to notice the negative things, so this is a real change of focus.  Also, I've heard of this idea before of making a "gratitude list" but I've always thought it seemed artificial.  But I think that's what I'm doing now, a gratitude list, but the way I think of it makes it more meaningful and deeper for me.

Keeping track of "serenity moments," those times when I feel a positive energy in my life.  It's noticing a feeling as it comes up, not some abstract thought that "I should be thankful for being alive."  And I'm surprised at some of the things that have gone on this list.

For example, my wife and I have been having a disagreement. I was up-front and (very politely) told my wife my feelings about what was upsetting me about her attitude about our disagreement, which is new for me.  I was very non-blaming and calm about it, but very direct.  I also requested that she not respond right away.

Somehow, even though this was mid-disagreement, and even though it was about expressing my resentments about my wife, to my wife, I felt a lot of peace-of-mind afterwards.

...oh yeah... so I think the main point I wanted to make was that feeling more fulfillment might not necessarily involve a radical change.  Perhaps it just involves a change of focus, tuning into the positive energy in the little experiences throughout the day. 

--NL354