So this is another "i need to post".

I haven't been on much the last week, and even then not for long, definitely not enough to post. The last three days I've been out of things-generally, and that includes barely taking any actions for recovery, such as reaching out to people, and going to meetings. This included acting out yesterday, but it's not really that, it's more of no interest in doing things-generally, no interest in expending ANY effort on anything. In a certain sense, this is how i let go of doing things for recover in the past. So at the very least, i know i have to keep up some connection.

 

Avrohom, I think you should you review principles 4,5,and 6 in the GYE handbook. You should probably review the whole thing but I feel those 3 particularly are relevant. 
As I have told you before, I am not a bucki in any specific mihalech on recovery. I'm not a bucki in anything in this parshah for that matter. But what I feel strongly about is that if you aren't a TRUE ratzon, it's very likely you won't succeed, true determination is up to us, and ultimate success only comes if we want enough.
I think you should do a lot of soul searching. Walk. Put your head down. Whatever. You have to come to terms with who you are and the reasons why you are part of the "community" of GYE and your SA groups. For what are you putting all this time in for? This isn't a game. This is life. This is your life. You can choose ultimately what that means as long as you figure out what you want and than go for it. If you choose you want to do this than do it. If not not. I have said in the past- your at point A. You want to get to point C. Figure out what point B is and do it. No matter what and no matter how many times you might fail at it. But you have to figure out what C is in order to get there. What is your point C?

I hope I'm don't sound too harsh. Just feel that's the best thing for you to do right now. 
I have been wary of giving advise to people as I am not an expert, but I guess you can call this advise. If anyone thinks what I said isn't accurate , too harsh, or something else should be said. Please let me know