realsimcha wrote:

Hoped I answered the question. Thanks RS for being there for me. Means so much

Power to ya pal, 
It's so easy and fulfilling to share our victories and highs with everyone,  a little ego inflating at times. 

This is the real deal,  
sharing the ugly,
 the falls,
 the humility.
 
That's what this forum is Really about. 

Keep in touch,  glad to hear from you. 

It's all the more exciting to post victories. No question. But escaping in to the hole is not a option. It doesn't necessarily have to be in the forum, but connecting is crucial. I try to post regularly, sometimes I get the responses that I like sometimes not, but that's beside the point, it's my posting that counts.

shmirashachaim wrote on 16 May 2016 03:22:

Shmira - I wish I could say that I would have the strength to keep posting if I fell. But look at my thread. You will see that it begins in 2011 and abruptly ends. It ends because I didnt have the strength to come back. There were great guys on the forum back then [I was also emotionally a mess - a little too sensitive], but I just couldnt do it. And where did that get me? Back on the roller coaster without friends. [Its no fun to be on a roller coaster alone :) ] So its awesome that you are back. Doing what you need to do. Perhaps you should reach out to some of the gedolim here to find out what else you can add to your life that can be helpful. Listen, you were a major inspiration when I started this journey and I still consider us to be partners fighting together. Welcome back!

Day 14
I finally got my post out. Yes it was hard. Like Yesod and bggsbms said, it's great posting how I am doing good and my inspiring thoughts. It strokes my ego to show how much I have learnt and how well I'm doing. I remember the feeling I had the first time I past the 90 day mark. Feeling confident, I was busy giving others advice and posting my accomplishments. Which is nice and wonderful helping others, connecting with others, and being happy with my progress- all which I am planning on doing in the future ("advice" might be too strong of a word though). But it was easy. I enjoyed the posting and trying to get my two cents out there. I learnt something new each time the last few times I fell. This is what I learn this time: I should be here to be honest of how I'm doing and thinking- no matter what it is. Zehu. 
Looking forward to more GYE I'yH. Thank you. 

realsimcha wrote:

Thanks! Means a lot to have friends behind me. lokking forward to not only fighting together but thriving together!

Final pointer,
Each type of post reaches someone that day,  even a big admission of failure may give someone chizuk either to not make the same mistake or it may inspire them to be honest and humble. 

So i just want to say that your humble yet valiant return and frankness is my personal inspiration for the day. 

Thanks for sharing 

Yesod 
 

  
Day 15
Had a long day. This morning, exhausted and still thinking about yesterday when my wife got upset about something I did for the first time, I found myself trying to get by my restrictions on my phone. I'm hoping that won't happen again. Today, after the first argument we had, I was feeling antsy. I felt the slight pull. I felt that all too familiar pressure subtly there. Did I want an escape? Not really. But I was hoping it wouldn't get to that. spoke it out with her again and hoping everything will turn out ok.
One thing I have been thinking about is ODAAT. I used to stress. I used to stress about a lot of things. Many times it was about the past. About something I said stupid or offensive for example. I obsessed over how I shouldn't of said or have done something. B'H for a while I have been working in that. One way I dealt with that was that I told myself whatever happened in the past is beyond my control. It's done. However much I think about it it won't change it. I just need to do what's right-now. I think that helped me. It transformed me into a completely new person. But this never really helped me for the future as I continued to think about it all the time. Now I realized that the same applies to the future. I never really thought about it the way the guys here described it to me. The future is like the past. There both not in my control. I still think and constantly plan my future. But to a limit. Once I have a "plan", I focus on what I need to do today. Today only. It's much easier for my mind and it works. This seems to apply to everything in life. I can't obsess what will be regarding this thing between me and my wife. I just need to do what's right and leave the rest to Hashem. This consent I hope will help me with acting out as well.
thanks for listening
 

Early marriage can be quite the Rollercoaster,  it'll get easier with time. 

She is rightfully quite concerned if she saw you messing with the block on your phone.  Dude,  i regret so much messing around in my early marriage,  im only recalling it now so i can say with all earnest,  get drastic bro.

Much love. 
Yesod

 

When I got married I was in so much pain from even the slightest criticism from my wife. After a while I realized that it wasn't her. It was me. Years of emotional abuse as a child made me hyper-sensitive to any type of negativity. It was hard work, but I needed to teach myself from scratch how to react to criticism in a healthy way. I also needed to work on being able to see my wife in a bad mood about anything without it destroying my day. Ok, let me be honest, I still have to work on that. I know your childhood wasn't a dream world. It might be worth looking there for some answers. Doing that saved my marriage. Hatzlacha! You just don't give up ... and that it what is so incredible about you!

Yesod wrote:

B'H it wasn't because of that. It was some small disagreement and it will I'yH pan out. Still have a great relationship and thankful for that. 

realsimcha wrote:

I guess I wasn't as much as that she criticized me. She didn't really do so directly. more because I made her upset, and even more so when we got in a disagreement later on. That really affected me because I was worried about the future. The disagreement wasn't huge(I think) but it might get worse and I guess that stressed me out a little, which gave me that pressuring feeling which as I'm sure you know is easiest to let go of by acting out. This is where it comes back to the concept that I-and I believe you talked about this in your earlier posts, shouldn't  trying to escape from life. I will face life with courage and with Hashems help will do what I can. 
B'H what happened yesterday wasn't huge and as I said I wasn't at the point of yeush and looking for an escape, I guess I automatically started doing what I used to do when I felt pressure. For a while I have been working on dealing with life and not looking for escaped, and for the most part have been mazleach. The past few times I fell was due to raw urge and being tired. But yesterday reminded me that that tendency is still there, to try to escape from life. I have a good life B'H and I have many things to be thankful for. I am willing to take it on with Hashems help..

shmirashachaim:  I can definitely relate to your experience!!  I've been married now for several deacades, bli ayin hora, but when we were first married, every time my wife got upset at me, I assumed she'd leave!  But Boruch Hashem she never did, and just because a spouse is annoyed with what you've done, it doesn't mean she hates you!  

I still have serious problems responding to someone who's angry with me, I tend to fall apart.  I think I've made a lot of progress in that area (with counseling and personal experience), but I'm still not where I want to be.  My father had a serious "anger management" problem which affected me deeply.  If for some reason I get depressed because of someone's anger, that's when I weaken and my yetzer hara can get the best of me, G-d forbid.  That's when I go online and do what I know I shouldn't.

I'd say the best way I've been able to deal with this, is by trying to think POSITIVELY.  If my wife is upset with something I've done (like coming home late from work), I think that her being upset will pass, and I'll try to do better next time.  These thoughts bring me out of the funk I get in, and as a result I feel less vulnerable to my yetzer hara.  It gives my the strength to say NO to giving in to my addiction.

A famous Chassidic quote, often said by the Lubavitcher Rebbe, is, "Tract gut vet zein gut."  It means that if you think about a situation with a positive outlook, the situation itself will actually become a positive one.  My wife always encourages me with this outlook, and believe it or not, IT WORKS.   The biggest problem is always being aware of it.  The Yetzer Hara is always looking to find a way to tempt me, and so he lets me "conveniently" forget it until it's too late.  The challenge here is to be able to bring this thought up in my mind during a difficult situation.

Hatzlacha in your journey and may Hashem bless...Joe
 

I'm still getting confused by how these posts work.  I thought shmirashachaim wrote this, but I see it was realsimcha.  Realsimcha, please forgive me, as what I posted was a reply to your post.

Best Wishes..Joe

Day 16
Today was fine. I think it was settled between me and my wife. No urges. Wasn't tired. Got what had to to be done. Good day. But what happened yesterday taught me a valuable lesson: that I can't forget how many ways the Y'H can come in. I also can't forget that not every day is an easy day. Many things come will come my way. That's life. I have to except it and take it one step at a time.