Sorry to hear, CC

It's good to process feelings. If I stuff em deep inside me, they'll erupt sometime or other.

Thanks Shlomo, bb0212 and Singularity.

What if feeling low after a fall is both a trick of the Yetzer Hara, AND a basic human emotion?


We feel low because we forget about all that time we stayed clean before the fall - trick of the Yetzer Hara.
We feel low because we failed at staying clean - basic human emotion.

If we can look at things more favourably and think "Well, I fell, but before I fell I stayed clean for a lot longer than I used to stay clean for in the times before I started using GuardYourEyes" then we can at least see positive progress.

ColinColin wrote on 20 Jul 2017 22:22:

Perhaps even more fundamental than
"I used to stay clean for in the times before I started using GuardYourEyes"
is how many times you controlled your nature, your basic male human nature, because you wanted to do God's will. Having a streak of 10,000 clean days, it's great! At the same time, even if it's odaat, it's still 1 streak & if one would fall on the 10,001st day, he'd have to start all over. But, if over the course of 50 days, one would have refrained from looking, thinking or touching, etc. at least 500 times (which if you think about it, is a very reasonable #) & that was only because that's what God's will is, then even if this guy fell after 500 successes, he's still way up there. Yeah, it's a difficult struggle, but if Hashem gives you this struggle, it's because He trusts in you, He, KNOWS that you can pull through...

Fell again.
Three falls in about a month.
Not been like this for over a year.

I can sense them creeping up on me, but not able to defend myself at the moment.
Too weak.

ColinColin wrote on 11 Aug 2017 00:49:

Had a similar experience. Went clean for hundreds of days. Then had a fall and couldn't just bounce back. I didn't even try, I knew  I was particularly weak. So I used my version of Taphsic with a heavy handed fine if I messed up. It was the kickstart I desperately needed - to take the edge off - until I could again work on  a program and get in the groove.
I know that many don't like Taphsic but in my case, at that time- it was a G-dsend.

Thank you yiraishamaim

I also had that low feeling and obviouxly then the Y.H. comes every day in full force. I tried telling myself that it is just not worth falling again even if i just have one day on my Cheshbon, i just feel even lower afterwards.
Sometimes it works till you get stronger again.
Good luck

Just had a fall.

Had been clean for seven and a half months.
But got very stressed and quite tired and no matter how much logic I used to avoid acting out, I acted out.
Hated myself as soon as I had done it.

Hated that I lost my Yirat Shamayim for a bit , that no matter what I told myself about how it was bad to act out when the urge was strong, I did it anyway.

I am now in a danger time where the urge to act out is greater than ever, as my Yetzer Hara whispers in my ear "Go on, you have nothing to lose, you already did it, so carry on".

Sitting here now trying to breathe, to calm myself, to remind myself when I act out I feel bad afterwards and am not productive for a few days.

Sorry to hear, I hope you get back up and brush the dust off.

I have to agree that when I am full of lust, typical logic doesn't work.

Thanks for sharing. It must've taken alot of courage to post that. Wishing you all the best!

You know what is much worse than acting out? It is the feeling like a loser and throwing in the towel and giving up. You have had such great streaks over the years, as evidenced by your posts. Don't let this get to you.

Thank you all.

Yes Hakolhevel, logic does not work when under pressure.

So I am sure prevention is better than cure.
If I prevent myself from reaching a state where I am tired and stressed and feeling bad about myself, then that is the best way.

Going back over this thread, it is clear that there is a pattern before I fall:

1.) Things build up over a few weeks and wear down my defences.

2.) A combination of tiredness, stress and emotional lows is a massive danger to me.

3.) Not having "time to myself" is a danger to me.

4.) Failing to achieve goals is a danger to me. But also a test from Hashem, which I fail when I fall.
If next time I have this test I wish I can pray and go for a walk, instead of acting out.

If a mountain climber stumbles into a ditch during the climb up, he has not fallen off the mountain. While he gets up and bandages his wounds, he enjoys the view from the heights he has reached. Once he takes stock of the situation, he picks up the walking stick and with a lilting tune on his lips continues the ascent.

Seven and a half months is an incredible accomplishment. One who has made it that far has permanently graduated from "yi'ush school", for he knows that it is possible to stay clean. You obviously have rewired your thinking, for instead of going into hiding and binging, you posted courageously and honestly. That is heroic, nothing less. You are an inspiration to all, and have also reminded us that we must prepare for all eventualities - nobody  to the best of our knowledge has shechted his yetzer hara (since the time of Dovid HaMelech). May Hashem give you loads of hatzlocha.

Thank you "Hashem Help Me."

Right now I feel bad about my fall, but your words have consoled and inspired me.

I am also taking an analytical approach, trying to understand what lead to the fall, and putting in place an emotional "alarm system" to prevent a future fall.

For me, a three times per day Cheshbon HaNefesh is part of the answer.
If I can take what I call my "emotional temperature", then I can know if I am in danger and take preventative measures -

Personal prayer
Going for a walk
Taking 5 minutes to sit calmly (without looking at my phone) etc.

Yes, one can stay clean. It is possible
But the last month or so of my clean time was spent under pressure, really white-knuckling it, using all of my energy to fight urges.
That was the month pressure built up, so I must incorporate a pressure valve to release the pressures of everyday life.

My big test was the final month before my fall.
It was a combination of intense work/family commitments leaving me tired and stressed, mixed with a personal disappointment about a prospective Shidduch where I was rejected, which meant my self-esteem dropped.
This resulted in me falling.
Even though I knew before the fall that I was being tested!
The urge to act out was just too strong.

But I can learn from it, and be kinder to myself, and enjoy time each day for myself, to feel human rather than a robot.
This increases my self esteem, and greatly reduces or totally reduces the urge to get a pleasure hit from pornography/acting out.

I can state without doubt that whilst I was clean, Hashem rewarded me for being clean.
Things that would previously be a struggle were made easier...everyday things such as waiting in line less time than previously, or journeys being shorter than normal, or somehow getting to a shop before closing time when I thought I would get there too late.
I really felt as if my path in life was being eased by Hashem.

As for your comment on the Yetzer Hara being removed, perhaps some of the Hidden Righteous Tzaddikim have it removed to?
I don't know, just guessing.

I fell again.
A pattern which repeats.
 I stay clean for a while, then fall twice within two weeks.
My trigger was that I felt very lonely.
Did not heed my own advice, instead of speaking to a friend or logging on to this site I acted out.

So now I take stick, try to learn lessons, and go forward day by day.