That took a lot of courage to post. You are a real inspiration. Continue giving all of us so much chizuk and sound advice while continuing to lead the way up the mountain.

Colin,

I'm sorry to hear about your fall.  But that was an amazing clean stretch.  You have provided many people with chizuk along the way.  From past experiences, I know a fall after such a long streak can lead to a debilitating feeling.  Please keep posting on your status during the beginning a new longer (Im'h) streak.

Thanks Hashem Help Me and Dave M.

I could feel the stress building all week, knew I was vulnerable, but fell victim.

I have often written about the technique mindfulness, of regarding the urge to fall as merely an external thought, and I tried to use this.

But on the night I fell, I got overwhelmed.

In the past after a clean streak, I have usually fallen twice in quick succession.

So this time I am being extra vigilant against that.

If I stay clean over the next two weeks, it is a small victory in that regard.

And as ever, to anyone who reads this, the moral of the story is...we have to know that any day of the rest of our lives we have the potential to fall, and the potential to stay clean.

L'Shana Tova

ColinColin wrote on 23 Sep 2019 18:44:

SMALL victory?! If someone falls after a long time and only acts out once, picks himself up, moves on, courageously posts, he is a HERO!! He has rewired his brain. How many of us threw in the towel, acted out ad nauseum, went into hiding and yi'ush upon falling after an extended time?!?! Give yourself some credit! 

Colin,

Haven't seen you around for a bit.  How are you holding up?

Hi Hashem Help Me and Dave

Thank you for your encouragement and asking after me.
I appreciate it.

With work very busy, and then Rosh Hashona, I did not log in here.
I guess too it was my way of coping after my fall, to bury myself in work.

I have had very strong temptation to fall again, but have resisted.
This is crucial because as I posted above, I usually fall twice in quick succesion.

This time I am being very careful not to be hard on myself, but to accept what happened - which was that I got stressed, and I used the flawed coping mechanism of acting out instead of calming myself through mindfulness.

But that fall is a fall, it is not a lifelong self condemnation of my character.

I am isolating it as an incident, being very clear what led to it, and have devised my plan for when I get stressed again.

Basically...instead of reaching for porn, I must be nice to myself using Kosher means.

I knew that anyway, but the key is to remember it whilst I am very stressed.

Wishing you all Gmar Hatimah Tovah.

I fell on 30 days.

Mixture of tiredness, stress and emotional upset.

I had this crazy urge to seek relief from the spiritual "junk food" of acting out.
It does not nourish the mind, body or soul.

I have used mindfulness very effectively in the past to get me to 259 days, but this fall was brought on by very strong urges. 

I was emotionally upset at how some people had acted to me.

1.) Well, I cannot control that, but in future I must control how I react.
I may react emotionally, but I must be nice to myself and assure myself that just because I am emotionally upset, does NOT give me licence to sin.

Instead I should be nice to myself in all the ways I have recommended others - exercise, reading, watching a "safe" film etc.

2.) Use these methods, and also very much a few minutes to think, analyse why other people acted towards me as they did, and then not let it get to me.

3.) Also use "Gam Zu Le Tovah."
Part of my upset was at being denied the chance to visit a certain place by other people.
But probably Hashem used them as messengers, He did not want me in that place.

4.) And to plan my days better. If i have a bit of free time I tend to get up to mischief, So a timetable of positive ideas will be useful to me.
Not itemised to the minute, of course it must have some flexibility because someone might phone, or visit. 
But a general timetable to keep me focussed on positive things.

Thank Hashem to be on this Forum tonight.

I am fighting right now...on a clean streak but really being tested tonight.
I think it is a result of work troubles, which lead me to be emotionally fraught.

So far still clean.

Somehow I managed to log in, just doing that calms me, helps me think rationally instead of letting emotions get to me.

I shoudl be in bed right now but need to calm down and plan a positive day for tommorow.

Taking it one day at a time.

Colin thanks for posting that.  Just know that all of us here are rooting for you.  G-fd willing things should get easier. 

Colin, thank you for your posts.
I totally relate to everything you've said. I too need to learn "kosher" ways to dealing with challenges in life, stressing events, etc. Unfortunately, acting out comes as an unkosher outlet.
I really like swimming. It feels like you're transported to another dimension, and it's very relaxing. It has surely helped me deal with stress.
I'm also trying to do just what you said. If the urge comes, just log in here before anything. People here are sure to help us out.
Keep us posted.

Good morning ColinColin

How was your night? How are you doing today? 

The concept of Kol Yisrael Areivim Ze L'ze is so amplified here as we are all one family and we care so much for each other. I'm sure Hashem has so much nachas from this and from your great effort to keep clean and strong.

Keep it up and keep us posted.

ColinColin wrote on 04 Nov 2015 22:50:

Thank you for your support Dave M Snowflake DavidT Mark 18.

Have kept as busy as possible seeing friends and family, and trying to study.
Still clean.

Thank G-D I got an STD test. Am in good health, no infections.

The process of getting that test is not nice...wait 13 weeks from any possible risk, then a blood and urine test, then wait a week for results. 
It is sobering.

I have to plan out each day...fill it with positive activities which make me feel good about myself. And make others feel good about themselves.

Today was a struggle.
Felt tired, low, and suspicious about a new friendship...what their motives might be, are they honest?
I was distracted and really tempted to act out...somehow I avoided it...I recognised it was a test.
I have calmed myself with G-D's help and am now eating something - because hunger is one of my triggers.
So too is the hot weather, so I have opened the windows to cool down.

Stay strong Colin.  It's natural to have harder days in this battle.  Just get through today and tomorrow will be a better day and hopefully an easier fight.