So what's the plan for the future?

Good question.

Everything I have written on here, all my good intentions, fall by the wayside when I get very lonely or stressed.

It is clear that after many years struggling with this, I have only found things that work on a temporary basis.

My longest clean time was about eight or nine months.

So I have no foolproof plan.

I can only try and not be too hard on myself, eat well, exercise, do personal prayer when stressed.
And do by best to be clear-minded enough to avoid triggers.
And most importantly of all, be strong enough to battle triggers which are outside my control, because triggers will happen.

hi! 
i would humbly suggest to fight the battle by hour. meaning: devide the hours of the day in 4 = 6 \ after 6 hours clean. your ego gets a boost, so if you fall its not a DAY =24 hours. you just hop up on the train again... 

I do it it works b"h.

chazal say a averah is a very thin thread ... every hour makes a stronger thread. by the end of a Day its getting stronger. so we need to STOP before it has a chance to get stronger. 

ALL the BEST

I find in my own experience that I have to be working on two fronts- one is that I have to limit my access to inappropriate stuff on a serious level. That’s for two reasons- even if I’m emotionally doing great and I’m not going to look for things, in am impulsive moment of curiosity where I just want to read the article about that movie and then google about the actress and then see....

the other is to work on my emotional well-being, because that’s what will stop the need in the first place. In my experience when I do both I can succeed consistently. 

workingguy

Thank you!

You took the words out of my mouth.

I have been reading about our "strugle" and am convinced that for myself, and it seems yourself too, there are two things at work.

One -  is lust, which as you wrote, can be triggered by images, whether in real life or online.

Two -  is emotional pain, which then prompts me to seek comfort, which in my case is through pornography/acting out etc.
(This reason for falling is much more prevalent for me than lust.)

I have been reading a lot about self-destructive behaviour, and finally found an answer to a question which has bugged me for ages.

How is it that when I am about to fall, I can tell myself all kinds of logical reasons not to fall, but my urge to fall overrides them?

I had put this down to weak will power.

But after reading, I found out that some people really feel emotions strongly, and when in this emotional low state, the urge to seek pleasure is actually an urge to remove deep emotional pain.
So this overrides all logic.


It is why people repeatedly fall.
(And I have been so confused as to how I managed to stay clean for seven months but then fell, really confused.)

So what I read is that people, and this really describes me, can stay clean for a period of time by denying their emotions.
It is like a kettle which continually boils, at first the physical lid of the kettle keeps in the steam.
But eventually that steam pressure is too great and the lid gives way...the steam (emotions) pour out at once and we get overwhelmed.

I am now working on "Mindfulness" to try and counteract this.

Not something I have done before, so I will report back on how it works for me.

The article which prompted this line of thinking is in the link below.
I found it after an internet search, as this last time I fell was so confusing.
Most things felt as if they were going great for me in life, yet I fell, and that really confused me.
But I was suppressing emotional pain which then boiled over.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior

What you are describing is similar to the Dr Sarno theory that proposes that much physical pain really is caused by the suppressing of emotions. There is much proof to this mehalech. Wishing you success.

ColinColin wrote on 08 Jan 2019 19:20:

Great post. Regarding the question as to why one can be clean for a while then boil over. Sometimes is just nothing was fixed in the first place. 

Like I was clean first three of marriage after acting out for 7 years before. I don't think I was a kettle all those years although I can definitely identify unhealthy lust. I think rather I told myself, for so many years marriage would keep me clean so my willpower was much higher. Similar to when I first startrd posting here, I was clean for 110 days, because the rush of "opening up" probably created a false sense of renewed will. And I told myself, wheni post that's the last straw, no acting out after that...

Anyway I don't know what you did in your case and what helped your 87 days. But I think the underlying point is, we can never go to sleep at the wheel.

All the best

Thank you Hashem Help Me and Hakolhevel

Hakolhevel

You are very right.
The idea  "We can never go to sleep at the wheel" is almost my new thinking too, though I tweak it with a positive slant at the end of my post

I had previously set targets, such as "I will stay clean for this week because at the end of the week is a Bar Mitzvah and I want to be clean when I attend it".
But that approach only worked short-term.
Once the target had been met I would fall, and as I posted, sometimes I would fall just before it with a bad mindstate of "I almost made it, I have done well, so what does it matter if I fall now?"

So now my new approach is similar to that of a recovering alcoholic, who recognises that he lives with an illness that can strike every day, so has to be aware of this every day for the rest of his life.

This I think is evident by you staying clean for three years then falling.
Three years is an amazing achievement. Kol Tov!

But if someone can fall after three clean years, then for sure, to paraphrase your post with a positive spin, "We must always stay awake at the wheel."

Had a test today, thank Hashem I am still clean.
Faced a let down in my prsonal life aand also was tired.
So I had half of the HALT warnign sign
Both Angry (Resentful)
and
Tired

But Gam Zu Le Tova, the let down was for the good.

Thankfully i was aware I was in a vulnerable state and was able to have presence of mind to respond proactively.
Tonight I called friends....the ability to talk helped calm me down.

I also just saw this short lesson on the week's Parsha...Ki Tisa...

....very interesting as it explains how we are stronger AFTER we face a challenge...very relevant to us on this forum.

It is on youtube about Ki Tisa by 
Rabbi Yitzhok Minkowicz 
published on 17 February 2019

Good news. A lot of this is about learning new patterns to deal with the pain and challenge of life. I know someone unfortunately who spends at least one day a week in a bar claiming this is just what gets them through the week. However, after knowing this person for a while it seems more to me that the atitude toward the rest of the week is what lands them in the bar to begin with. We are the same albeit with a different vice. At teh end of teh day we are a little luckier though than alcoholics as if one really wants, they can get themselves a filter that more or less works and remove most of the challenge. Alcoholics face it everywhere every day and there is no way to banish it. just my two shekels for today... 

Keep it up man.. work on your internal and external environment and you'll get to where you want to be. 

Thank you OTR.
And yes, in the Western World alcoholics are surrounded by bars and pubs.

Had a serious wobble today.
Caused by mixture of work related stress, tiredness and the strange feeling the day after The Three Weeks of restrictions.

Thank G-D came to my senses in time...realised what the causes were, and that I could use mindfulness to "externalise" the threat.

So am going to be nice to myself this evening...do enjoyable activities instead of looking for that junk food fake high of acting out.

Hey Colin.  I just skim through your thread.  All I can say is wow!  Your journey to this point is very impressive and inspiring.  Thanks for sharing with us your "almost fall".  Was this just a one time thing or is there something extra you need to put in place to prevent something like happening again?

Thank you Dave.
It's Hashem who takes the credit for showing me this website and showing me methods of keeping clean.

Tonight I got hit with second wave of weakness.
An hour after the first attack.
That is my usual pattern when I get close to falling,
Repelling the first attack is merely a false sense of security.

Again, somehow, this time I remembered that empty feeling one gets after falling.
And it was enough to lift me out of the grip of lust/depression/mania that we can feel when on the verge of falling.

Sitting here now, breathing a lot better.

To answer your question, I think this was building up over time.
I have had a change in circumstances which puts me under more stress than I was under a month ago.
So I need to apply my methods to de-stress.

And also to add some extra enjoyment into my life, as a precaution against falling.
Because I usually fall when I feel "low".

So the positive was that tonight was two wobbles, sent to me in order to be aware of deeper uncomfortable feelings ... and now I must acknowledge them, to inspire me to change the structure of my life as a precaution for the future.

Basically the danger is that tired empty feeling I get when I get home from work. 
My job is not fulfilling, yet can make me stressed.
It is dangerous, and I need to replace it with positive activity...which I have planned in advance during my journey home from work.

Fell on 259 days.
Longest clean streak yet.

Cause was stress - leading to lack of sleep and proper food.
Extreme tiredness - and lack of headspace - feeling of "no time to myself."

Practical steps are - better sleep discipline
And choosing something fun to offset the stress.

I knew I was vulnerable but my defences were not strong enough.

So next time - use attack as strongest form of defence.