Until recently I was ok. Had short episodes of porn watching. Let's say one every 6 months. I thought no much of it since didn't get to anything else. Started then one day worrying about my sexual performance as wife couldn't stand it due to her own problems but I thought it was me. So in last 3 months I masturbated for first time after many years of marriage. Felt horrible. Some how felt it was her fault (typical way to deflect blame fire my shortcomings ) so I went looking for it somewhere else. I did it once and as I was finishing i felt the kedusha I had going out together with the neshamot. After that I realize that wasn't the right thing to do and that i fell in the yetzer trap of justifying aveiras. Also masturbated one more time. It has been about a month. I'm deeply disturbed by the holocaust I created with these acts. I too rectify it. I asked Hashem for help. Some one I know pointed out that there is a kavana to do in the Amida during Toka Shofar but I would like to know more. Also I understand I'm still are risk now even more since I have fallen and I wasn't top do something before it snowballs in to a bigger problem. Fasting ? Tikkunim? Mikvaot ? Please help me. Tell me what and how.

Welcome David,

You have come to the right place. Firstly you should thank Hashem for sending you here. Secondly, you should thank him for sending you here when your problem has not been so bad. here many people come here to take care and get help from their struggles in these areas. We get chizuk and help one another.

I would suggest you should read the handbook from GYE. There is lots of info that ma help you out. Perhaps with the right attitude how to deal with your issue, you may be good to go.

Hatzlacha

DavidReachingOut wrote:


not sure if i have the right answer on this. However i will share my experience. It has not been to helpful for me to be involved in so called tokunim as long as i am not clean and sober. It is extremely urgent for us to be determined to do whatever it takes to become sober. Sometimes the Tshuvah is only a part of the roller coaster we are going through.

I hope I am not off base here, but you sound like a guy who needs some chizzuk, and for watching porn once every 6 months and masturbating twice in a many years you are probably not an addict. The gye handbook has great material and there are wonderful chizzuk emails. The shemirat eynayim ones may be for you.

I don't want to scare you off just to be aware that I have spoken to people who are not si bad off that this forum has been bad for them. I hope I am not overstepping here. But only you can know what you need and I just hope to give you some food for thought.

Eli

I'm not too concerned with the masturbation issue as it wad lie a slip off. I'm concerned with going with a shiksa again. I try not to look. I try to get myself involved on things that will keep me busy like videogames even because that way I know I will have my mind off the issue. Bitul Torah indeed but I think better than tzera levatalah with a shiksa. My wife asks me why I'm glued to the PC instead of learning. I'm just trying to avoid the bigger mistake. I Don't want to go against chachamim. At the end of the day the Torah says to listen to them. So when I didn't it was a double whammy.

Stay on track and stay positive!

It's not that I have fantasies. I just have needs. I just wasn't to be with my wife more than once or twice a month in rushed encounters. I felt I was owed something. I cry to HaShem when thoughts come to my head and tell him I Don't want to be with any other woman. Not a shiksa. Not anyone else only her. But urges do not calm down easily. Last month being ellul wasn't so hard. Now I have sukkot to remind me still time for teshuva. Once is ovu's I'm afraid I might slip again.

DavidReachingOut wrote:


As someone here said, some of us have found that taking it one day at a time works. For now, enjoy Sukkos.

What is the something you are owed?

The whole thing is just throwing a tantrum. I feel my wife owes me. We would have sex Mikvah night. Rushed because she is tired so she wants me to hurry up. Doesn't even want a massage. Then I'm lucky if I get a 2nd night during the month. Often she brings kids in the room till is late. She does it for bonding. It's true they are in school all day but it takes away from time could have been spent together. I know she avoids me. She says she is not in the mood. She has even cry about it and spoken to doctor. Nothing seems wrong with her medically speaking but she still has no desire whatsoever. She just does it on Mikvah night because is a mitzvah. I feel she thinks is a chore she has to do. She has tried pills and other things. Is not like she is not trying but barely anything happens. She complained about routine =same time of the night. Same location and same position but Chasvshalom when I have tried changing any of that even after her complains.

DavidReachingOut wrote:


Hi,
I'm sorry, you are dealing with a tough nisayon and handling it a lot better than many others (especially myself).
It's commendable that you are concerned about a fall snowballing. I wish I had good advice for you, but for now, as someone else suggested, the chizuk emails, articles on this site are really good.

You say she went to the doctor, tried pills, but nothing helped. Did she/you follow up with the doctor? Try counselling? Have you discussed the situation and what your options are?

I don't think that your wife "owes" you anything. From what you wrote, it seems that both you and your wife should revisit the whole purpose of marital relations with a therapist and consider discussing the same with a rav-who can enlighten you both on why couples even after childbearing years enjoy marital relations.