My name is Yiraishamaim and I am 180 days sober.

I remember 180 days ago when I had just had a fall. I need not explain the flood of low emotion such an experience brings on. I had had it. I needed to do something to change this horrible cycle of Teshuva - acting out - depression - resolve to quit/teshuva - acting etc..

I remembered that picture of the guy drowning in the GYE ad. So I looked up the site and became a member of the forum. I decided to pick a name of an ideal I'd like to have, but sadly I am deficient in. I typed in Yiraishamaim - of course you need not be a dikduk expert to know it is YirAshamaim not YirAIshamaim. The misspelling is a sign of my fluster because of my momentary low emotional state. However, I never want to change the name. Let it be a reminder for me of the emotional depression and confusion I was in just prior to being introduced to the forum.
My nature is the kind that sees the cup half full rather than half empty. I like to see the good in people and I forgive easily. Great and not so great. Great because even my depression never ran too deep and was short-lived. Not so great because it took forever to get frustrated enough to realize there is a REAL problem here and thus decide a major change was necessary.
It was only by the grace of G-d that I was not into much worse things than what I was doing. How is that? too long to explain for now, the fellow that I am sponsoring will have the "zechus" to be privy to the details.

Now for what's really important.

Once I came onto the forum Hashem helped me in a most profound way. I racked up day after day of sobriety. Slips came about mostly in the first 65 days and now B"H rarely indeed.
It is through GYE that Hashem has helped me.

To the participants of the forum I owe an enormous Hakaras hatov. I find every part of the forum most helpful. The post of the rookies remind me of how I was just 6 months ago. They are more that a bit nervous. Some are unsure they want to share and many are unsure that this "forum: will help them at all. It is so gratifying to hear their emotional and appreciative responses when they begin to sense the real caring, support and wise counsel that GYE members immediately begin to give them.
The posts of all those who grant their support or just post a thank you means a lot.
Certainly I have also learned so much here, especially from the experienced guys. I look back at my early posts and realize how much I have grown. What I realize now is so clear and second nature, then was not so simple.
The most wonderful part of the forum has got to be the opportunity to give to others. It is exhilarating to help someone who is going through similar struggles as I have/have had. When I receive a response that they appreciate the support or understand something better or especially did not act out because of what I posted -I'm in Gan Eden.

It doesn't get better that that. Does it? When I eventually get up from the lab top I feel a foot taller and have an extra skip to my walk.

Thank you Hashem for providing the miracles.

Thank you Hashem for GYE. I love you guys of the forum.

KOT for while you are helping yourselves you are also providing a vital service for Klal Yisrael.

GYE is on the cutting edge - the front lines of the battlefield of life.

Besides doing my best to stay sober there is a a category that still is so challenging. Walking out amongst people I find it difficult not to catch the improper sights..
No doubt I have made positive strides due to the suggestions of the forum but I am still a work in progress.
Being curious by nature, and ADHD(never was diagnosed but probably am)
makes it all the more challenging.

Chazak Ubaruch ! KUTGW !

Tizkeh Leshanim Rabot!!!

That was great 'hizuk !

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and from heart !

yiraishamaim wrote:


Hey besides maybe Palti and some few other guys , not everybody understands this cryptic encoded messages. Now are you a spy or are you for real ?

newaction wrote:


Lol, if you really want to know I didn't understand both of these messages !
Being french and sefaradic is very hard here haha

I wonder who else is ?

But yirais is just "showing off" he doesnt seem for real.

AHHH!

Be'emet Hacham!

Congratulations on celebrating 6 months! How'd ya do it?

I am so thankful that you have acknowledged this milestone in my life.
Well I did write about it to some extent but there is a part I did not share that I keep going back and forth if I really should. I am hesistant to put it in writing for it sounds so ridiculous maybe even arrogant.
I think the emes is it makes me sound plain weird.
But honesty,the raw kind seems to be the key in recovery in general and the forum in particular. But serenity asked didn't he? - So here goes chevra and may the chips fall where they may.

For me one of the biggest issues I had was inner turmoil. I was not only living a lie but I was perhaps inadvertently (or not) fooling people. I was trying to daven, learn and do mitzvos and I actually did, but all the while here and there acting out. Sometimes there were weeks even a month clean but then a fall once again. Lust would always creep back into my head and the battle was constant. My nature being upbeat and positive and I was trying and doing plenty of mitzvos, but I knew I was in reality a fraud. My family showed me a lot of respect and get this one - there were a few people - maybe 5 or 6, who even - I kid you not - would get out of there seats a bit in respect when I would walk by in shul.
I was not happy. I cringed inside for I knew I was very distant from being deserving.

When I joined GYE and started posting I felt I was given a second life. The give in take of the forum was marvelous. I wrote some smart things and plenty of dumb things but I was making leaps of progress by the experience. Emotionally however, I still had an elephant of a skeleton in my closet. I could not get it out of my heart.
I had fooled people.
On one level I knew at the time I was doing this, on yet another level I certainly didn't want to but was compelled to by my lust issue. So now what do I do. I felt like a little boy who needed Tatty to scold and pasch him so he could go to bed crying but with a clean conscience- then wake up in the morning to a new dawn.

Tell the wife and kids? -Now? At this point? made no sense. tell my friends? made no sense.

I know. Get someone in the forum of great stature to tell me what I really am. I will be embarrassed and shamed and I will get my fix I so desperately need.
From what I had observed Dov was the obvious choice. He already had seemed a little annoyed at me at a recent post. I will tell him my story and see if he takes the bait and let's me have it.
Well my dear friends it worked to a tee. Dov, shooting from the hip with both guns blazing just ripped me. He made fun of me, agreed I had been a fraud and let me know that even though I was a fool I wasn't the biggest one he had yet to encounter.
It was a rough ride. I gasped, and responded with some kind of a meek and lame post.
It took about 36 hours for the emotional dust to clear.
But then relief.

It's been heaven ever since.

Yirais (sorry i have no time but have to reply )
We are so very grateful to Hashem and very happy for your comeback.If the people in your shul really new your life and struggles and they get up for you ? that is a shtus a mistake in my opinion they should give you a standing ovation. Nobody knows our mistakes but they know even less what price do we pay to correct them. Dov is truthful and incisive . If you dont want to be 100 % honest with yourself dont start with him. Anyways you are on track in your journey which is the most important. My humble advise dont let your guard down not even one bit not even for one second. and by the way yes i am a chacham . . . it takes one to know one. Hatzlacha ! !

Thanks loads newaction.

As for Dov, I hope your getting my point. Drawing him in to tell me what he did - was raw honesty -it was what I needed then. There was no deception. I needed what I needed and he was there to provide. The fact he wrote what he did, was probably the fact he is so on the ball he sensed it too.
Proper medication comes in different packages.
Kadima!

I came back here again.

I realized from newaction's remarks that I might not have been clear. All I did with Dov is tell him my story. As for his response - I looked it over, I now read it and find it not so tough - but my perception and needs then were quite different.
Just clarifying.
Thanks to all for the advise and good wishes.
But most of all thanks for the friendship.

You're welcome . by the way and sorry, where is it that dov wrote to you ? i dont recall.