This may just be me venting or I could be asking for help I'm not sure, but I have just fell after 29 days, and I don't think I've ever felt so helpless. I have a big incentive to stop now, prob bigger then ever and yet I still fell! If this is like this now I honesty don't think ill ever be free of this! And what interesting is that I don't think I even fell because of the desire, I fell cause the withdrawal and feeling terrible (depressed anxious moody) for the past 3 weeks was too much to bear, I didn't c an end In sight and I figure, eh what the heck its not getting any better anyway... so here I am...
Thx for listening
#vented

Before I joined SA I would be 'sober' for about a month before relapsing, another month, relapse etc etc, the cycle was endless. The way I experienced it was that straight after a relapse I felt very low, then thought, I've got to try again, so I started again with renewed vigor.

That vigor got me through the first 10 days or so problem free. Then I would start to feel the lust creep in. First a small hit which I would fight off, then after a couple of days a stronger lust hit which took more energy to fight off. As the days passed the lust would snowball and become bigger and bigger and I would fight it harder and harder, using every tool I could think of. But eventually the lust would become too strong and I could not manage another minute with that feeling and I'd relapse again, feel very low, start again with renewed vigor, etc etc repeating the cycle over and over.

So I relate to what you're saying.

Behatzlocho, I'll daven for you.

The withdrawal symptoms is pretty common, though i don't know if there's a set time for how long it lasts. I would suggest from my own experiences that perhaps what happened to you is that you were experiencing what is called the void. It's the time we would've spent fantasizing, lusting, and looking at porn. Now it's "free" time, and we feel bored with nothing to do. No more pleasurable release surfing the web, etc. So, naturally we feel depressed and anxious. The solution is to find productive ways to occupy your time. Whether it's exercising, reading, or just plain shmuzzing, you need to find your own outlet. For now, and i know it's hard, try to move past this fall. I've found that some of my worst falls were those that came after long clean periods. I would ttheorize that it's the yetzer hara. He saw over the past incredible 29 days (!!!!!) that you are truly working hard at becoming a better cleaner person. So when he manages to get you to fall, he then goes into overtime to prevent you from getting back up. They say that what makez someone a tzaddik isn't that he never falls. Rather, that he may fall 7 times, but he got back up 8 times. It's time for you to show the yetzer hara what you're really made of. Brush yourself off, and just focus on moving forward. You can do it!

Welcome back Mr. Clean,
Falls can be devastatin' for whatever reason they come about.
We are the world's worst thinkers when we try to figure it out ourselves.
As you can see in my signature, I've experienced falls after some high numbers as well.
We gotta get up, we gotta get up, and try, try, try......
Work the steps.
Make the calls!
Speak to your sponsor.

work it cuz' you're worth it!
b'hatzlachah

May i vent here too? Im in that mood, ans I'm sure you know what it's like, where everything is a trigger. I'm really trying to surrender it to Hashem, but it's so hard this time. Yes, i know that i can do it, and that i should practise what i preach and go do something productive, but... what can i say? It's truly a challenge, and it's far from easy. I want to go searching online (bh my phone has accountability software so i can't), i wanr to fantasize and act out!! But, i also want clarity in shidduchim, i want to be healthy, i want siyata dishmaya in my life. Hmmm, the choice seems much more clear now. Thank g-d for venting!! I'm gonna go learn a little, daven maariv, and try to get an early night sleep.