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Bigmoish tries to be good
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TOPIC: Bigmoish tries to be good 2936 Views

Bigmoish tries to be good 29 Jul 2014 22:51 #236327

  • Bigmoish
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Hi everyone,
First of all, I've been hanging around the forums the last few days, and seeing how much love and support there is among everybody here just gives me so much chizuk.

I have been acting on my fantasies since I've been 12-13 (currently in my 20's). I was always considered a "metzuyan," and I had a difficult time through high school, putting on a show of "frimkeit." I constantly tried to stop through mussar, but I always fell within a few days. This continued through my years in yeshiva, and I struggled to keep the facade going. Ultimately, I married a great girl, and we have a beautiful family k"ah.
Shortly after our marriage, I developed an attraction for my wife's sister. I was inwardly depressed, wondering whether I may have made a mistake to marry to marry someone too "aidel," while suppressing my fantasies. I begged Hashem to take away the YH, because my wife really loved and respected me, and I didn't want to ruin that. After a few months/years of fantasizing about my SIL (sister-in-law), I opened up to a Rebbe about my issue. Although I don't feel comfortable telling him about my nisyonos before marriage, it is still good to have someone to talk to.
The hardest part of my struggle is the isolation, which is probably why I get so much chizuk here. Because of the closeness between my wife and her sister, I dont see any good ever coming out of me telling her my feelings, nor do I anticipate that I will ever go more than a few days/a few weeks without seeing my SIL.
However, while reading the forums here, I discovered new things about myself that really brighten me up:
1. I'M NOT ALONE
I feel that in some ways, this nisayon is especially difficult, because I cannot install a "filter" on my seeing a relative! Aside from the multitudes of precious yidden going through similar nisyonos, I found extra support from reading Positivity's posts, seeing how he is also struggling with this type of nisayon.
2. I DON'T NEED SEX
This is probably the biggest game-changer for me, if I can ever truly internalize it. I actually visited GYE a few years ago, hoping to "get out of the schmutz," but I realize now that I wasn't mature enough to accept this fact back then. I needed to be a little more depressed, and have a few more years of marriage under my belt to finally recognize that a true loving marriage doesn't have to include wild fantasies, and will still probably be more physically and emotionally fulfilling, which brings me to my final discovery about myself (thanks Dov and everyone else):
3:I NEED TO BE CLEAN SO I CAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, LOVE MY WIFE, AND HAVE A MORE ENJOYABLE LIFE. NOT TO AVOID PUNISHMENT OR MAKE HASHEM HAPPY.
Of course, I still feel that the latter are vitally important, but they simply aren't enough to keep me from the fleeting pleasures of fantasizing about women!

Well, I started my 90 day journey 2 days ago, and I hope that with this newfound insight and tons of support, I can start on the path to true happiness and taharas hamachshavah.
FAQ's (Great for newcomers!!!)
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 29 Jul 2014 22:59 #236328

  • cordnoy
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Welcome!

Are you sure that was a first post?
T'was written like # 200!
you have internalized many of the yesodos that took us/me so long to fully comprehend.
Very impressed with your gevuras hadaas.

Don't be a stranger now and keep it up.

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 29 Jul 2014 23:06 #236330

  • Bigmoish
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Thanks cordnoy,
You actually made me start crying just now. It feels good knowing you guys care about me.
FAQ's (Great for newcomers!!!)
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 29 Jul 2014 23:10 #236331

  • cordnoy
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Big Moish! Cryin!?
Of course we care!
There ain't no group like ours!


bigguycryin.png
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 29 Jul 2014 23:12 #236332

  • Bigmoish
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They were happy tears. (as if that needed clarification.) I'm pretty emotional for a big guy.
FAQ's (Great for newcomers!!!)
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 29 Jul 2014 23:17 #236334

  • cordnoy
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Yep!
And whoever da heck da guy in da picture is...he also just won his fight!

[And da thinkers around here will say that even if he lost, he is cryin' happy tears, for now he can get off the mat and fight again. And the even greater thinkers will say that it's not a fight, but rather, it's the tools of life.]

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 29 Jul 2014 23:21 #236335

  • Bigmoish
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Cordnoy,
On the subjuect of gevuras hadaas, it's not the daas I generally have an issue with; it's the lev.
I've heard from Rabbeim that Esav (not to make comparisons or anything) had his head buried in Mearas Hamachpela because in his head he knew what the right thing to do was. But he didn't connect that knowledge to his heart, and he followed his tayvos. And so, in his death, they were separated as well.
That's why my third point above is so important for me to internalize - I need to feel the hergesh in my heart to want to be better, and at this point, I can only do that for "selfish" reasons - not spiritual ones.
FAQ's (Great for newcomers!!!)
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 29 Jul 2014 23:30 #236336

  • cordnoy
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Perfect!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 29 Jul 2014 23:43 #236338

  • ZemirosShabbos
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Welcome Bigmoish! (do you know the Country Yossi song by that name?)
Quite a good post you got there as Cordnoy said!
stick around and soak up the good stuff here
good to have another fellow Jew aboard
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 29 Jul 2014 23:53 #236339

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Thank you for your kind words.
I am familiar with the song; I was considering using "Big Bad Moish," but I am hoping to turn into Big Good Moish soon, and I didn't want my username to be outdated!

EDIT: I just realized how foolish the above sounds. Nobody on this forum is bad, at any point in our journey. We have to hold our heads high and realize how good we are if nothing more than for stepping up to face our challenges head on.
FAQ's (Great for newcomers!!!)
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!
Last Edit: 29 Jul 2014 23:59 by Bigmoish.

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 30 Jul 2014 00:30 #236342

  • godhelp
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Hello and welcome.

Let me just throw in I have the same issue I was (am) in love with my sis in law she is way more outgoing and modern then my wife ....
But do remember that it is all lust. work on your lust and get a hold of it, the problem will slowly go away.


Stop Lusting

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 30 Jul 2014 00:39 #236345

  • Bigmoish
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Callous as it sounds, it really is comforting to see that other people have the same issue. Not because tzoras rabim chatzi nechoma. Because it helps us all (hopefully) realize how ridiculous it is.

godhelp - Can I ask you to clarify something?
First you wrote
I was (am) in love with my sis in law

Then you wrote
the problem will slowly go away.

Did it really go away, or are you still in "love" with SIL?
Don't mean to drag out old skeletons, just trying to hold onto hope that I can have a normal relationship with my wife's family at some time in the future...
FAQ's (Great for newcomers!!!)
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!
Last Edit: 30 Jul 2014 00:40 by Bigmoish.

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 30 Jul 2014 00:43 #236346

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Mr. T,

Where did that one come from?

You wrote your whole story; you posted; we spoke on phone many times....sister in law!?
i mean i know it can happen; heck, I was in love with a Scandinavian woman!

but did i miss something?

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 30 Jul 2014 01:38 #236356

  • lavi
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hi moish,
and at this point, I can only do that for "selfish" reasons - not spiritual ones.-moish.

guess what, you can be spiritial selfish. you want to be a happier person.
i've heard been quoted
be happy not holy.

keep in touch
i love you all
Last Edit: 31 Jul 2014 08:48 by lavi.

Re: Bigmoish tries to be good 30 Jul 2014 03:11 #236361

  • dms1234
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WELCOME big moish!!!!!

Incredible post and i hear you about obsessing about your sister in law. I too have obsessed certain girls and we have to realize that we can be free and it could dissipate as long as we are willing to try. Look at her as a person and not as a sex object (cordnoy, I know, i know, you disagree, whatevs).

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Btw what are you're plans for recovery?
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 
Last Edit: 30 Jul 2014 03:12 by dms1234.
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