Shalom le kulam

I am having great difficulty in controlling sexual thoughts - this sounds so strange to me since now I feel fine. But when they come they are disabling. I have begun my 90 day chart and the simple act of counting and not wanting to disturb the count is incrediably impowering. I look at the sexual gain (that is momentary) and look at the 6 clean days that are at stake and the choice is made for me!!

I am begining to feel liberated.

I first contacted GYE since 1 week ago I had a major fall. I planned and planned for 8 hours to have a sexual encouter. I actually had the sexual experience. But this was different to all my other sexual acting out. I felt sick/ nauseous/?excited/ weak and shattered. and this was all before the act itself. I had alway felt in the past a lift in the process of acting out, but this time it felt like I was going to be sick - and I continued and continued for hours -- planning planning planning.

I presume looking back it was the adrenalin rush but it was not pleasurable!! I felt compelled to act out.

how could I do such a thing I am married with children learn 4 hours a day in one of the top yeshivot in Israel, I am respected my so many people.

How would I have felt if my wife was watching me - that would be it over !! over!! my whole life ruined - I probably would never see my children and live as a dirty destroyed pervert all my life.

There needs to be a 4th emergency service to say me from this when all is about to fall.


I have yet to speak to many people on GYE I look forward to getting to know you all

Love

Charlie

In order to break free ...one of the things i do is i find all kinds of things i must before i allow myself to act out ....this is mentioned in taphsic methodology for instance if im at my computer i allow only if i also play a game for a half hour at least or read my mail or the like...

Or if im outside and the urge to look is upon me i try instead to look at natural things ...lkke a nearby body of water....

yes I recenly came across this very useful I am trying to think now of what 10 minutes activity I could do.

Tephila shla for children perhaps

Hazara of a perek of mishnayos?


How do you stop fleeting sexual thought continuing and becoming obsessions?

Firstly, you should stop writin' them here.
Secondly, all your threads should be consolidated in one, so people can better help you, as each one of your threads is basically the same issue...just with a different fantasy.
Thirdly, I do believe (imho, and that is all that I can give) that you should see a therapist. I have as well and I have been able to control (with the help of God) my run-away-fantasy-brain.


b'hatzlachah

I agree with Cordnoy that a therapist is a good idea. There are many rabbanim who are licensed psychologists, even psychiatrists, and could help you work through this.

As for advice on how to mute those sexual thoughts, the only thing that has worked for me (and I am still falling now and then, though less frequently) is to avoid idle time and isolation at all costs. The human brain cannot batch process like a computer. That is, your mind can only handle one thought at a time, even if those thoughts are separated by only milliseconds. The trick is to leave no room in your head for those sexual thoughts, because we both know that once they start, they just keep on coming.

So try your hardest not to be alone, and always have something on your agenda. Plan ahead. Like I said, I am still falling, and still see isolation and idle time as the culprits.

We're Yidden, and we're always going to be hyper-thoughtful. It's in our heritage; it's in our DNA. So we are never going to be able to rein in our thoughts. Simply, never. It's foolish to try. Rather, we need to avoid them, and the environments that foster them.

TC....when I was in my fantasy mode, idleness had nothin' to do with it.

I could fantasize while I was learnin', teachin, at work, whenever.

That was my overpowerin' drive.

What this site (the chevra) and my therapist and SA have taught me is that allowin' those fantasies and thoughts in is a deathly wish, and I want no part of it.

b'hatzlachah

I agree, Cordnoy, and I've also been pestered (plagued, rather) by bad thoughts in places like shul, or with a daf gemara in front of me. In no way am I suggesting that occupying oneself is a complete solution. I hope I didn't intimate such in my post. Sorry if I did.

My point is that, at least from what I've gleaned by looking back on myself, free-time and an empty-head are just the WORST conditions for people with addictive tendencies. Almost invariably, you will be haunted by some inappropriate thought, and with no behavioral alternative on hand, your fate is kind of set.

Especially for veteran addicts, who have imprinted these behaviors in their brains, old habits die hard. My strategy, at least right now, is to remove myself from the environments and mental contexts that proved problematic. Of course, easier said than done. But, like I said, almost every fall I've had since joining GYE has been due to 1) being too up in my head, and 2) having ample opportunity (hours, sadly) to act out.

That's just my experience.

I suspect that many of us, including myself, have had momentary episodes or of greater duration of recurrent thoughts in the wrong places simply because we have seen and read lots of porn. I sometimes have them as I get dressed while I am still half asleep in the early morning. But, as I get dressed quickly, and walk to davening , they go away and don't reappear, and I avoid placing myself in any possible chance of a trigger that would set off a desire either to masturbate or to see, watch or download porn. So far, this, and other mechanisms that I have described are working but I know that every day is a choice for me to either be Tahor or descend down the rabbit hole. I would suggest that you use the 90 plan or any other plan like the daf Yomi-each day Tahor is an accomplishment that builds on the next. We may all have falls, but we can always pick ourselves up.

One other thing i have found is starting the day right ....try to always pray with a minyan and then immediately learn as soon as possible for at least a few minutes ....i know first hand this might be difficult for some but it can help the rest of the day ....also napping when one is tired instead of pushing yourself ....

Try to remmember that these "thoughts and fantacies" are more than you want anyway .....and if you give in it will only make you feel bad that you did .....