I have broken my “story” into two sections. This, the first one has some potential triggers, so if you are not in a good place, I suggest you start with the second section, below.

I am not Jewish, so if it isn’t appropriate that I be here or the way I express myself, please tell me.

I had a journal on here a while ago don’t know my log in, so I am starting again. I really think I need something like this site to help in my recovery. I want to give a little bit of background first.

(Removed by moderator)

My explanation of what was removed: I just went into details of multiple instances of sexual and emotional abuse in my childhood and how I developed an addiction to pornography, masturbation and exhibitionism. I hope it will still make sense cut out like this. I apologize for triggering anyone.

Part 2
Again, I am not Jewish, so if it isn’t appropriate that I be here or the way I express myself, please tell me.
After basic, I began my missionary service in France. I continued to be abstinent from masturbation for quite a while but when things got really stressful, I started doing it again. It was my drug. My release valve. All of my troubles were gone when I experienced that oh-so-powerful mighty orgasm. I felt guilt each time, and confessed to God and my missionary leaders, and just continued on doing the best I could.

I came back home and worked for a couple of years going to college and then met my wife for the first time. She made me want to be pure and clean. She gave me motivation to stay away from the smut, and at least if I fell, to quickly turn around and set my life straight. However, I went back to Europe to visit people and went hog wild and fell deep back into the addiction.

So on Feburary 4, 2010, I sat at my desk at work with nobody around, contemplating how I was going to end my life, mindlessly masturbating and mindlessly surfing the web when it happened. I felt a power beyond my own. I felt a presence of a being from an unseen world fill the room with not physical, but spiritual Light. I felt the devils leave my body. I felt like I was worth something after all, like I was God’s child, and he cared about me, even if I had wasted 45 years indulging in sinful pleasure. I found a website about “recovery from sexual addiction”. What? it’s an addiction? I learned about meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous, or Gamblers Anonymous, or Narcotics Anonymous, but for sex-addicts. God told me that day that I had another chance. I didn’t have to end my own life. He would give me the courage it took to get help. God knew that I couldn’t do it alone. So three days later, I disclosed just the porn/masturbation part to my clergy. He was so kind and loving and understanding. He showed me the 12 step meetings. I have been going ever since, first one a week, then more, then more, and now, today, I have been to 389 meetings in 389 days, including call-in phone meetings. I have worked the 12 steps. I have a sponsor. I read from Alchoholics Anonymous big book, The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, the Sexaholics Anonymous white book, the Bible, and other spiritual literature daily, without fail. I kneel and talk to my Father, and he communes with me. Since that day in February 2010, I have disclosed all of my hidden life to my religious leader, my wife, and a few brothers in the program and I feel so completely free. I am a new man. Since 2/4/2010, I have had many relapses with porn, chat, and masturbation, but never as much as I did before that day. I’d say I’d act out sexually with one or more of those things in 2009 40 or 50 times a month. The first year I slipped 25-30ish times. The second year 15-20ish, the third year over 30, and in the past 12 months there have only been 4 times have I fully masturbated along with porn or internet sex chat of some kind. I receive a sobriety chip at my meetings every time I have 30, 60, 90 days, or multiple months of abstinence. I have a stack of 30 day chips, 3 60 day chips, 2 90’s, 2 six month chips and a 9 month chip, all earned since 2/2010. My last long period of abstinence was one day shy of nine months, so I almost got another 9 month chip. I broke that stint in January, and then made it two more months to March. I have struggled these past few weeks, and my most recent slip was when I masturbated on April 3rd in the morning after my shower.

I am on the this website not for a 30 day goal, although that is my first goal. I’m not here for 60 or 90 days, although those are also goals. I’m not here to solve me ED problems or inability to orgasm during sex, although I’ve had a rough time with all that stuff too. I am here because I am a new man. God has made me in his image, and I commit to all of you, and will be accountable to you that I will do all I can to remain sober for the rest of my life. The graph of my life is shaped like a giant letter V. From early in life, I was going downhill with several ups and downs along the way. Then 2/4/2010 I hit the bottom. Now, although there are downs, I am primarily going up and up and up. Thank God. Thank all of you. Thanks to my hundreds of brothers in the program whose phone numbers I have and use. I talk to at least two per day to renew my commitment to sobriety, and commune with them and with God. I write something journal-like or recovery-like every day, and I pray every day alone many times and with my family.

Thanks for listening. I am Loren, and I am an addict.

I am here to get help, but also to give it. Post here, PM me, or send an email.

The fact that youre not Jewish is not a problem at all.
This site is about recovery.
There are some things in your posts which may be too explicit for some.
the guard and administrators will decide.

Bravo to you!
disclosure to your wife and others is grand.
389 meetings in those amount of days!
Wow!

Your story is very familiar to us....certainly to me.

Keep up the good work.

WOW!!!!

Welcome to GYE!!! You, my friend, are incredible. I admire you and I think you have come a really long way. I would really like to get to know you better.

A couple things. I'm sure you know this but you can't expect to improve all at one shot, so the improvement that you have done is incredible even with the relapses. 4 times this year?? Incredible!!

Secondly and more importantly. If I am not mistaken, unless you were just stating the facts for introducing yourself, it seems that you are concentrating too much on the days you are clean. I know you said your goal isn't 30 days but remember to go one day at a time. If doesn't matter if your clean for 4000 days or 4 minutes. One day at a time.

Lastly, your first post was a little too triggering, atleast for me. I didn't act on it, but others may so try to be careful

Anyhow WELCOME!!! You are amazing and looking forward!

KOTTTTT!!!!

Another WOW to you. Your total openness and honesty are incredible.
It sounds like you have come a long long way, and that you are committed to keep travelling on the road to recovery.

Best of Luck

Thanks for your encouragement. I am over three weeks fully clean. A couple weeks ago I had the most unusual experience.

in the midst of extreme emotional and spiritual pain, I suffered greatly thinking of all the regrets I have. I was thinking of my loved ones and how much of their lives I destroyed like a reckless tornado plowing through the trust that they had in me, especially my wife by all of the actions I took in my secret, second life. I was literally lying on my side, crying out loud with great sobs like a child who has been greatly injured. I was in Hell.

Then something happened. I am unable to explain what it was, but I can describe it. A short time after that, maybe the next morning, I was overcome and overwhelmed with an intense feeling of indescribable ecstasy, bliss and deep, lasting joy. I don’t know why, but that feeling is still in full force. My vision is clearer; I live near beautiful snow-covered mountains, and they used to look like an amazing painting to me. Now they are alive; I see the three dimensions of the mountains in the stillness of the space they occupy as if they had never had that aspect. I see a deeper, difficult to describe, dare I say spiritual dimension to those mountains. I see that same Light and aliveness in every living thing: trees, birds, animals, even so-called non-living things such as boulders, rocks, and so on.

The most amazing new perception I now have is when I interact with people. I see an infinite soul when I look in their eyes. I see light. I look in the mirror, locking eyes on this guy standing there looking at me, and I see incredible confidence, lack of selfish ego, and I feel the most intense love any human could ever feel. I have truly fallen in love with this person in the mirror, in a very non-narcissistic, completely selfless way. I see his innocence and come to realize when I gaze upon his face that he is truly something not of this mundane world. He is infinite and divine.

I constantly have a big wide smile on my face. Each moment I realize I have never been here before. Never in this place, and certainly never in this very time or moment, slice of eternity. I stand completely dumbfounded at what I see, as if it had never existed before this moment. I see my dogs lying on the bed asleep. I see the crumpled sheets, the sunshine coming in the slightly dirty window, a pair of shoes sitting on the floor. I see plates and cups on the counter; everything is perfect. Tears of joy stream down my cheeks for the wonderfulness of it all.

Nothing is other than it should be. My life, the people around me, with all of the happiness or sadness or calm or turmoil, it is all perfect. I have felt a couple of times a slight pull to lookup something mildly pornographic or start a random sex chat, but something inside me, a positive force of Love has deterred my actions in a completely non-forceful, non-fighting sort of way. The same has occurred with self-touch. My hands have gone down there a bit, but then a thought comes into my mind: I am not that guy anymore. He is dead. Mourn his lost for his is no longer with us. I AM a new person.

I have deep gratitude for this new gift of insight and outlook on life. I cannot comprehend what has happened to me, but I love it and I am thankful. A new strategy, not from my own mind or my own thinking, has been given to me to overcome pornography, masturbation and sexual chatting. I am done with the “not” plan. Before, when I was winning the war on PMO, I was NOT cheating on my wife. I was NOT masturbating. I was NOT looking at porn. NOT, NOT NOT. It has always been about NOT. Today, NOT is not enough. NOT doesn’t cut it, because when my mind says don’t masturbate, don’t look at porn, don’t sex chat, it only hears “masturbate, porn, sex chat”. Those behaviors were trying to fill a void, an emptiness inside me. I have by some miracle found that Thing that those actions were trying to fill me with. I am filled. I am full of Love, love for you, even if I may not know you very well or at all, love for my wife, my kids, my family, my coworkers, for the lady on the cell phone who cuts me off and causes me to slam on my breaks. I especially have love and compassion for her. I have love for the guy pushing the shopping cart full of aluminum cans. I love myself. I love God, for he is in everyone, and the miracle I just realized is that God is even in me!

Everything in the past is a non-existent non-reality of a dream, even 5 seconds ago. It is in my mind only. Negative feelings about the past will not change it. Maybe that is why I have forgiven myself. Maybe that is why the guilt and shame are gone. There are no regrets remaining. The future is a non-existent dream as well. Negative thoughts about it like worry and anxiety are futile. Nothing I do will change what is. It is what it is, and now I don’t resent that fact, I embrace it and love the fact that all is exactly as it should be.

I have been working for 4 years and had a few experiences like this, but this one this week seemed like a random gift. What happened? I don’t know. I like the “I don’t know” position. It feels very comfortable, like a nice soft lazy boy recliner. I don’t know. I love that. I have no need to know. I will just do the next right thing, and I will know what it is, and I will know what to do. All of this came almost suddenly to me, and it feels permanent. We will have to give it time to know for sure, but today, right now, I am the Buddha. I am indeed fully enlightened, at least for now, and what a fantastic Joy I feel. I don’t feel that Joy. I am Joy. I am Love.

Welcome,

As others mentioned, that first post was quite triggering.
My humble opinion is that the explicit details should be removed.

Thanks and good luck,

MT

I removed the details...

Powerlessness

What's the deal with this powerlessness business? It is true, We do overcome, (gain victory) over our addictions. And yet I still admit my personal weaknesses. Nothing wrong with admitting personal weaknesses. I believe that they are gifts from Father. But there is no victory over the addiction until we admit powerlessness. I hope I can explain this, how it isn't semantics, but true powerlessness. Here goes.

I am a sex drunk. I am an alcoholic and my alcohol is Lust. An alcoholic will never have power over alcohol. He can never drink it and not become drunk. He is powerless to that fact. Nothing he can do, no belief in God, no reading scriptures no saying prayers, no positive thoughts, nothing can make it so he can drink and not get drunk. In fact, no human can. Alcohol is powerful. It is full of honesty and integrity. Every time one drinks it, the alcohol has the exact same, consistent effect. Alcohol does not lie. It doesn't say drink me. It just sits in the bottle on the table, full of honor and dignity. Alcohol gives you a head ache the next morning and that’s when you stop. When I admit my powerlessness, I get the clarity to stop drinking (lusting) and the hangover goes away. That is far better than when I believed I had power over lust. I thought I could drink and not get drunk. That is the insanity. I am an alcoholic and my alcohol is Lust.

That's the irony isn't it? We have no power over something until we admit we don't, then we do. Powerlessness is only step one. It is necessary and prerequisite to be able to accomplish step two and then step three. The book Alcoholics Anonymous explains our powerlessness quite well. Then step two is coming to believe a power greater than ourselves can bring us to sanity. Then step three is to surrender to that power, God. Taken together, these three steps come into harmony with those who contend that we indeed begin to have POWER over the addiction. But in all of the 75 years of Alcoholics Anonymous, nobody ever overcame alcoholism without first admitting defeat. I never made progress in my victory over sexaholism until I admitted defeat. The whole twelve step program can be summarized succinctly with:

Without God, I can't. Without me, God won't.

Love

Loren

the.guard wrote:


Thanks

Wow this is really motivating, thanks for posting!

Things are going great. Physically I feel good. I am a bit sore from pushing it on my workout, but that is a good thing. Emotionally I feel peaceful and serene. I don’t know why. I just feel like feeling that way. I might have control of my feelings, and if so, I want to choose to be happy. Spiritually I feel connected to my own higher self, and to the beings (angels?) all around me. I know God is there and has an amazing peaceful, non-judgmental love for me. Sexually, there is a lot of peace and love there as well. I’m sure you don’t need more details than that of details of my sex life LOL. Mentally today I feel clear. I am glad that I have 47 days of sobriety. The first few days were brutal, looking back. Right now I am very content. Socially, I had a great evening last night with my family. Usually I am at my Army National Guard, but we had the night off. We had some good spiritual discussions. Sunday night my two teen sons opened up in amazing honesty about their enthusiasm for their program to become clean from p and m. They opened up to my daughter and her husband and I was honored to be a part of that conversation. I love my kids so much.

I commit to you to one more day of no porn or masturbation. I will try my hardest to keep custody of my eyes when there are attractive women around me. I will try my hardest to keep fantasy and lust away from my heart.