I've been around the site a little bit. I've been getting the chizuk emails for awhile now and have learnt alot from them. I actually discovered it awhile back but was doing pretty well just following the Breslev approach to life of Rabbi Arush and Rabbi Brody to strengthen one's Emuna in order to succeed in life. I truly believe that following their advice of an hour of hitbodedut a day can help cure even this@!

So why am I here? Because I've been failing at doing the hour of hitbodedut. and so I've been getting into cycles of 1 week clean, then 1-2 days of lots of shmutz and acting out. Lately, i've noticed the big emotion I'm feeling right before acting out is lonliness and disconnected. Too much time spent during the day by myself. Hashem gave me lots of free time to learn but I just can't seem to always sit and do so. Nor can I find someone to learn with. and as much as the Garden of Peace has helped my relationship with my wife, I still feel disconnected from her and others. After yesterday's acting out, Feeling so badly about it finally gave me the push to do hitbodedut for an hour committed to it, in a park walking by myself, the prescribed method. In the past, I would just talk to Hashem when it was convenient, like during my commute to and from work.

So I currently rate myself at level 4. I've decided to download the K9 filter as soon as I can get my wife to do the password/email part; no reason not to have a good fence. Will look into a filter for my phone as well. I read up about the Taphsic method. Its really intriguing and i'm interested in trying but I'm concerned about what distractions would work for me in the double condition method. I dont think the tzedaka or learning options would work for me. It'd be nice to connect better with someone. sometimes I feel as if im fighting not just this fight but the emunah fight by myself. I intellectually know Hashem is here with me but its hard not having even one good friend who I know really believes in this stuff and wants to work on it too. So this makes me finally see the necessity of the groups, the phone conferences, the chizuk calls. Its the connecting to others.

OK, im sure right after I submit this, I'll think of 20 other things to type but for now, that it. HI EVERYONE! oh, and its Metal King, not Me talking. Used to be a big fan of metal music.

Aleichem Shalom, Metalking!

Welcome to GYE!

We're looking forward to getting to know you better.

Hatzlacha!

Welcome!!!!

If you think of the other 20 things, don't be afraid to post again!

Also don't be afraid to chat random people up on the chat bar. It has really helped me get out there.

Check out Skep's tips They have really helped me

Welcome MK! It's nice to have you with us. We've all tried things that didn't work. We are here to try and share what has (and has not) worked for us.

It's a bit ironic that you write that a feeling of lonliness leads to falls, but you say you are trying hisbodedut to fix it.

I also thought walks by myself would help, but I found just the opposite to be true. Connecting with other people is what really helps. I try to avoid being alone and lonliness. I have a few people I met on GYE that I can call.

Keep on posting, and let us know how you are doing.

Welcome
Far be it for me to give advice, but for guys like us, or at least me, being alone is a danger zone. Perhaps wait for the hisbodedus for post-recovery.
That bein' said, I'm just sayin'.....do what you feel is workin' for you!

I see the idea of irony in wanting to do hitbodedut but also saying im lonely. I think the primary reason for being unable to connect to others stems first from not being connected properly to Hashem. If I dont have a proper connection to Hashem, then how can I connect properly to others?

You may feel good that others are going thru what you have and use that to strenghten one's resolve but to actually look for the good in others, judge them favorably, be a giver to them without ulterior motives, really feel for another I think requires help from Hashem which requires a better connection with Hashem.

Whats really interesting to me is comparing what one is supposed to do in Hitbodedut to the prayers found in the Big Book. Those prayers are all forms of hitbodedut. Hitbodedut as layed out in the book "in Forest Fields" by Rabbi Shalom Arush is
1) Thanking Hashem for everything, even the seemingly bad.
2) Taking a self-inventory of behavior from the prior day and asking forgiveness where one did wrong
3) asking for the future.

The above seem to me exactly what the 12 steps and the Big Book are all about!

The recommended formula is for at least an hour and preferrably in seclusion or private walk. The reason this is important is focus and faith. Things that we value we focus on. in the gym, exercise while distractedly watching TV or reading a book doesnt do much. Likewise, when one watches a good movie, we want it dark, big screen, no outside inteerefernce.

I used to do a lot of Hitbodedut while I drove. It showed little value, little faith in what I was doing. To commit an hour of one's time to focusing on getting closer to Hashem by talking to him in your own words and pouring out your heart is a tremenndous show of faith/emuna and belief in what you're doing.

Same reason it helps to do a phone conference or SA meeting. You're committing your time to change yourself, to negate your SELF in favor of a higher power, Hashem. Is it any less humbling to spend an hour talking quietly to Hashem about everything going on in your life? Thanking for everything - shows you're giving him all the credit. taking personal invntory- shows a real desire to change. asking for the future is asking for his help, putting the power in his hands.

A lot of people have asked on this site do they need to go to the meetings, phone conferences, etc? My own answer is that if you're able to actually do a REAL HOUR of hitbodedut following the guidelines in "In Forset Fields" EACH AND EVERY DAY, then you would "cure this addiction" without any SA, etc. SA teaches one to do hitbodedut in an unaffiliated relgious manner.

just my opinion.

oh and in my own experience, every day that I've done the real hour of hitbodedut, my day went fantastically well in terms of guarding my eyes, my behavior and definitely avoiding acting out.

so whats so hard you say? The Yetzer Ha'Ra makes it really tough to do hitbodedut each and every day for one hour. Dont believe me? try it. it is hard to speak from the heart honestly and focused for one hour. and its really hard to do it each and every day. it takes real commitment and belief.

ive gotten a lot of help from this site in terms of what to pray for. Dov's advice helped me to realize that part of my Hitbodedut has to be to ask Hashem to help me do Hitbodedut just the next day. the one day at a time focus. each timne we fall and act out, its to force us to head in the right direction. Dov has said that he stays sober because he knows otherwise it would kill him. so each day, he stays committed to spending time negating himself thru prayer to Hashem.

we can all read these posts and books and get great advice on how to stay clean. Actually getting to the point where we follow it day in and day out is really tough. I believe its referred to on here as "hitting bottom." then you reach the mental point where you finally realize that walking the walk, praying to Hashem, negating one's SELF has to be a daily focused activity, like brushing your teeth or else you won't be able to live your life.

metalking


Actually for me, I feel the opposite. I feel that reaching out to other guys hear, honestly, has helped me had a proper connection to Hashem. Our addiction is very much in our heads. We have a problem with thinking too much and getting it out there to them helps me recover. I have always wanted to Hitbodedut, but I never got around to it.

Speaking with friends also helps as they will look out for me. Of course, we know Hashem does too but we have yet to fully internalize but people are more tangible for us right now. Furthermore, these people help us bring Hashem closer.

I guess if it works for you then, good on you! But i would also reach out to others here for help!

Seems like your doing well though, Keep it up!!!

hi metalking!!

welcome aboard!!

actually talking to others as dms pointed out can really help us talk to hashem.

when we come out of (hiding) isolation by talking to others we start getting the picture much clearer and that of course will help us talking to hashem as well, because we see whats really going on, i actually feel that many times when i spoke to hashem i was beating around the bush because i didn't have right outlook so i didn't really focus on the key issues.

kol tuv and KOP and KUTGW!

Wow! what a lesson in humility... Going back just now and reading all the comments..Had I only listened better to what people typed.

Up until this past Thursday, I had been clean since March 26. As I type this, I've only been clean since Monday around noon. As I said in my very first post, I still believe in hitbodedut as the number one most important part of staying sober. It connects me to Hashem and frees me from lust/sex addiction like nothing else. I can report that every day I was able to talk to Hashem in hitbodedut for one full hour at the very least, (thanking Him for every part of my life, making Teshuva on the day before mistakes, and asking for the future) that those days I felt completely sober. I was happy, upbeat, family life was sweet and peaceful, and guarding my eyes could only be described as easy (with His help of course!)

So what happened? I stopped being consistent in doing a full hour of Hitbodedut. And when I did do any, it was sometimes by rote or routine. Those days, even sober, felt more like dry drunk days. The day was a tiring spiritual struggle. How did this happen?

Main factors: All summer, when my wife asked me to accompany her to public places full of triggers, I foolishly said yes, thinking I was following "The Garden of Peace" not realizing my Yetzer/addiction was blinding me to the fact that making your wife #1 in your life should NOT be at the expense of Halacha (Going to public swimming places, state fairs where everyone is wearing daisy dukes and spaghetti straps, etc) .
Sure enough, by days end, I'd be ogling everything and saying to myself "dont worry, youll get back on track tomorrow with better hitbodedut" except tomorrow would come and I'd be even more silent with Hashem than the day before.

flash forward: I fell last Thursday and then fell 3 times Monday before noon. This was so painful I immediately went to my FIRST SA meeting right after. (listens for Dov's clapping approval)

my take on the meeting: Very friendly, nice group of guys. I wasn't impressed with the white book reading. everyone who read went very quickly. It reminded me of most davening in the shuls I go to where everyone just wants to be finished, but hey, maybe that was just my quick judgement.
They followed the newcomer protocol thanks to me so I got to hear 3 minutes from all of them. It broke my heart to hear some of the stories of what these guys have been thru and what all are still struggling with day-to-day. It was interesting how everyone's connection or main interest in lust or sex varied slightly. Pretty much everyone went over their allotted 3 minutes and when I finally got to speak, I got cut short too. I could definitely see how we were all lonely, struggling, and dying to speak to others, get it off our chest, be honest for once in our lives without worrying about judgement.

After the meeting, I got to spend a little extra time with one guy who came over and we spoke a little longer and traded numbers.

Hindsight is always 20/20: leading up to my fall, I remember there were quite a few emails from GYE where Dov was talking about staying honest, avoiding being alone, talking with others, doing for others. Hashem showed me what I was missing but once again, I didnt act quickly enough.

I still believe in strengthening Emuna and hitbodedut. The Rebbe Nachman approach and The Garden books approach. Rebbe Nachman used to make his followers confess everything to him which I think had a similar effect to SA meetings. Similarly, his followers had access to him to ask advice, etc. This is similar to having a sponsor, having friends to call when lusting starts, and having people call you on your BS when youre not being honest with yourself or others.

I realize I was very lonely because I didn't have anybody to talk with about Emuna. And I certainly don't have anyone to talk about my lust struggles with. I have started being more honest with my wife but I realize I cant be fully clean because she just wont understand it all, she can't. She's not an addict.

Therefore, I've resolved to try and make meetings when my work and family schedule will permit. (I dont mean that lackadaisacally, I will really make an effort to go) Similarly to when one visits a sick person and cant help but leave feeling better about their own health, I felt so much better realizing I've been blessed so far in terms of consequences from this addiction. Some of the poor guys I met had lost their wives, their families, jobs threatened. I couldn't help but feel grateful to Hashem for having mercy and getting me help before I fell further than I have.

I liked being able to talk to them about my addiction and life and hearing from them, but I still felt the lack of being able to talk about Emuna with any of them. I also think that getting a sponsor is similar to "Asey l'cha Rav - make for yourself a guide"
To that end, whomever reads this, if you or someone you know, is into the Emuna angle, i.e.- The Garden books, Rebbe Nachman, etc, isnt too far from my EST zone, and is interested in either being my sponsor or a friend who we can call each other to talk Emuna, our lives, our addiction, please PM me about swapping cell numbers.

I'm also making a bigger effort to try and get involved with gemilut chasadim as the more I do for others, the less I'll obsess about mySELF.

Thanks to any and all of you who took the time to read all this. I sincerely appreciate it and hope it helps you as much as it helped me just to write and share it.

G-d bless.

wow thats some great steps in the right direction b"h!!!

i understand what your saying about rebbe nachman, many tzaddikim said that his teachings are focused on the later generations like we see in todays days, he understood what the world would look like before moshiach's days, thats why his teaching are being learnt today more then ever,

joining sa and doing hisbodedus daily can be a true path to recovery,

so KUTGW and KOP!!!

Thanks for talking metalking

Talking? I thought he was the METAL KING!
(a la cholent king)

Bigmoish wrote:


actually, it is Metal King. When I used to be on forums of ill-repute :-) back in the day, I was a big fan of metal music. but even then, ppl always thought it was me talking.

So my SA updates: I have been consistently making a meeting once a week. I find I really enjoy the meetings. Whenever we do the intro-readings, SA purpose, etc, Im amused when the other jews rush thru their paragraph to read. It reminds me of how we fly thru davening.

I really enjoy the readings from "recovery Continues" and so I bought both "Sexaholics Anonymous" and "Recovery Continues." The stories are amazing and have really helped me in my personal prayer, my surrendering to G-d, and thanking Him even better for taking it away.

Its interesting to me how in one story in RC, the author describes his fear of falling now that he had become sober. He describes it as walking a very narrow path with a deep abyss on either side. When someone read that aloud at a meeting, I immediately thought of Rebbe Nachman's famous phrase: "The whole world is a narrow bridge. The main thing is not to be afraid." And then the story continues how the author realized that instead of fearing lust and asking G-d to take it away, he should thank G-d for his lust, with the result being that he felt joy after! These are the exact messages Rabbi Arush explains in detail in both "The Garden of Emuna" and "The Garden of Gratitude."

I'm starting to realize that I can find Torah and truth in completely different corners of this world but if I want to affect a change in myself for the better, I must ACT on what I read. Reading the twelve steps doesnt do anything. Reading Rebbe Nachman or Rabbi Arush doesnt do anything. Reading forum posts doesn't do anything.

ACTION from that reading is required. I must SPEAK to Hashem. I must SPEAK and connect with others. I must perform acts of kindness by helping either others with this disease or any other problem. Visit the sick, pay shiva calls, keep in touch with friends and family.
I must PRAY to Hashem. Thank Him for everything even the seemingly negative because that is what actually gets me to call out to Him. The addiction, the lust, the anger, the resentment, the arrogance. Whenever I feel those emotions now, bli neder, I do my best to surrender them to Him and ask Him to please take it away. And He does!! B'H!!!

I finally understand what Dov is yelling about ACTIONS MATTER all the time. He's just paraphrasing his namesake, Dovid Hamelech: "Soor May-Ra, VA-AHSAY Tov!" The only way to turn away from RA, this addiction, is to DO GOOD.

MK

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