Probably because what an affair can potentially lead to. I suggest you speak to either a rav or a therapist for how to deal with it. Taharas mishpacha makes up the threadwork for a jewish family. It cannot be ignored! It could be she's upset or depressed. Maybe speak to your wife, but definitely speak to your rav. Hatzlacha raba!

Dear chaver, I believe we spoke once on the phone, no? I am truly sorry, can;t recall the details of your situation though. I assume she is not aware of your online emotional affairs with dating service women, etc, nor with your frequent masturbation. Were you only masturbating since your wife stopped having sex with you? Was your masturbation not a problem before marriage as well? i do not remember the answers to those questions and they are vital to gaining an objective perspective on what your side of this is, as well as seeing where her part fits in, here.

Why is she not going to the mikvah? Are you clear on that? Is she? I asked a lot of questions, sorry. Thanks for your patience w that.

And now to your post:

startrekuser wrote:


1- You are assuming a lot for Breslev, Rabbi Brody, etc, chaver. I doubt they would say that no married man has a right to complain, ever. They would also never say that divorce is not an option. If your situation is because of a real mental health problem they would suggest you get help first, before running to sex to fix it - even sex with your wife. Please don't rush to blame them for being insensitive and monolithic.

2- So, regarding your solution of having an affair because your wife won't allow you to have sex with her: If you'd have an affair that would fix something? You'd get your rocks off, congratulations.

Then what?

Happiness would be yours? Satisfaction that "you 'showed that bitch' that you can get it elsewhere!"...hmm. Given the utter selfishness of your proposed solution, I'd actually not be surprised if "Breslev, Rabbi Brody, etc" would recommend you to not complain! You have bottled yourself up for a long time with your resentment and not gotten the right (or maybe any) help. Your solution is borne out of pain, not sense, just lots and lots of pain with no one to blame but the person you want to blame. But there is help.

And thankfully, there are better solutions to your problem than an affair. They are based on
1- facing the problem instead of blaming,
2- being open and honest with your wife about it, and
3- getting help instead of back-biting or betrayal.

And whether they end in peace or divorce, they are better than tearing your family apart by screwing around to let the teenager in you run the show into the ground. The wreckage would be far greater than any clean divorce would be...though running from this problem with divorce-at-all-costs is a close second to the 'affair' idea. Divorce doesn't make the relationship issues leave your life, anyhow...

3- If you have only 'opened up' here to virtual people behind a username instead of being a man and meeting face to face with a real, live, trusted and skilled advisor about all the facts yet - including your sex surfing, dating services you have used, emotional affairs you have pursued with women and all the sex you have been having with yourself - then this is a tragic situation made far worse than it has to be. You are suffering much more than you need to. Help to face your life as it really is, helps. Satisfying our penis will not fix our life up.

I know I have been blunter than usual here. You have been through a boatload of pain and resentment and surely need a lot of love and understanding...but first I feel you can handle a bit of bluntness to derail the current run of self pity that leads us all nowhere. I hope you get help. We all need it sometime.

You have had a lot of time for venting and bitterness here so far. If GYE only gives you a place to openly and bitterly complain and blame (while hiding yourself), then that's a pity. GYE should give you hope and advice. That is what the guys here are saying over and over. I am just saying it a bit louder. Hope the message comes through as sincerely as I mean it.

- Dov

Thanks.

.

Continu bein' grateful!
That's a good middah to possess.
Then, take it to the next level....action!
Yes, we are all in this boat together, but we wanna be goin' upstream.
Bein' complacent just sweeps us to the back - that's where the sharks hang out.

b'hatzlachah

I read somewhere that the three major challenges for an observant Jewish man are Shabbos, kashrut and lust. Overcoming lust is definitely the hardest one. When other Jews tell me that they just can't do Shabbos, I feel like laughing. It really is SO EASY. Basically, you take a vacation one day per week. Kashrut is a little harder, but eating only kosher food is not really a sacrifice. It can be an inconvenience at times, but that's all. Lust is always with you and a constant challenge.

Hi Dov,

Yes, I had a minor emotional affair that I broke off last February or March. I also looked at women's profiles on a dating website and stopped doing that around the same time.
I have been seeing a therapist to discuss my marriage and I keep that a secret from my wife. In the past, when I've gone to therapy with her knowledge, she demanded I get rid of the therapist whenever there was some negative behavior (real or perceived) on my part that she attributed to the therapy. It's very costly and my father agreed to pay for it going forward. The bottom line is that the therapy is helping my relationship with my wife (a little bit) and is keeping me relatively calm about how poor our marriage is. Also, my wife's mother passed away (she was living with us) from cancer about two months ago. Of course we miss her, but that has lessened the tension in our house.

My masturbation frequency was down to about 1 per every 2 weeks, but has increased to about 1/week recently. Over the last three years, I've had two major pushes to stop and made it to about 90 days each time. I'm not sure why, but I just don't have any enthusiasm for GYE lately. I'm here tonight though.

startrekuser wrote:


Why only an observant Jew?
Why even a Jew?
I can't live with my lust, for my LIFE is unmanageable with it...nothin' to do with sin, Gehinnom, God and stuff!
All of that is mighty important, but it's not part of my impetus for recovery. [And yes, thru recovery, one can and does get closer to God.]

startrekuser wrote:


Sorry on your loss.
Only simchos in the future.
Stay strong with the therapist; it seems like it's helpin'.

b'hatzlachah

startrekuser wrote:


As always, if you want to talk, just email me and we can arrange a time. I am not a coach or therapist, just a recovering man and have no stakes in the matter. The ball is in your court only.

Have you directly discussed when and if to tell your wife about the therapy you are using, w the therapist?

Also, I asked you a few questions above. Among them were:

1- Your marriage is very disappointing to you. Now after you succeed at getting a pleasant sexual and/or emotional affair, what are your real plans for continued happiness and/or fulfillment?

2- You feel a boatload of pain. Are you ready to switch from bitterness and self-pity, to something that really helps you? Is your therapist helping you do that?

3- Your wife does not know - you detailed problems w her knowing abt your therapy. But you did not explain what is so bad about the fact that she demands you stop the therapy or about her blaming perceived negative stuff on your therapy. Are you not independent?

And if she threatens you with, say - divorce - over it....then what? You yourself are hoping for that at times already!

I am a chicken and know how it feels to be too sensitive and scared of a loved one's feeling...but are you independent? Or are you being so dependent on her not hating you that you haven't even the basic freedom to take care of yourself?

If you do, what does that mean to you?

I would suggest that is a way bigger fish to fry than your masturbating or not masturbating...

Well, the woman from work just got engaged to be married. I'm upset, but not because I'm envious or jealous. She never converted and is marrying a Jewish, non-observant man. Of course, this happens everyday, but it's still upsetting. She did start the conversion process a while back, but then started dating that guy, who is now her fiance. The rabbi that she started with won't take her back b/c she was involved with the non-observant guy.

So she told me she got engaged. What should I say? "Mazel Tov" doesn't seem appropriate. Neither does "you shouldn't be marrying a Jew".

I might be invited to the wedding, but I can't go. If I went, that would be like approving a mixed marriage.

The good news is that I don't feel an ounce of envy or jealousy, just concern for another mixed marriage and Jewish dead end.

Good thought process!
We gotta focus on fixin' ourselves; not the world.

b'hatzlachah

I was listening to a Tanya lecture and the Rabbi said that sexual fantasies in your mind are equivalent to pornography. So that helped motivate me to stop those transgressions. I've been clean since then. It's been 9 days.

startrekuser wrote:


That's great!

It's been about 3 months since then, would you fill us in on how it went since you last posted?

Continued success,

Dov