Ok guys I need some advice, I believe I hit rock bottom a few days ago and unfortunately it involved a real live person, I didn't go all the way but far enough. and I feel like I may have a guilty conscience by keeping this from a potential spouse. (And that the first "intimate" time should've been with her). And Especially if I get married in the near future. I am not dating yet but with gods help would like to start within a few months and I am riddled with guilt, have any married guys had to deal with this problem? Or any single guys that have good advice for it?
thx

first recover for yourself; then worry about spouse (imho)

mr.clean wrote:


Shivisi responds:
Advice on this subject was given by the great tzadik known as the "Steipler Gaon"
He said that one should try as hard as possible not to bring "prior baggage" with him/her into a marriage. Marriage should start fresh, a new leaf, a clean slate.
No, marriage does not make all previous problems automatically "go away" - but if your whole issue is only your "guilt" about "she should have been the first" , you might be justified to have guilt for the actual act, and for not saving yourself for her, but that should not be a reason to "ruin" the clean slate which both of you should start your marriage with.
All the best, and may you be blessed that when you marry with Hashem's help in the near future, all this should b "a thing of the bast" and you should have risen from "rock bottom" to sky-high and start your new life in the shadow of the heavens.
Get up, brush off, and get off to a new running start toward take off!

What's your question exactly: should you tell your spouse in the future, how do you deal with guilt, or how can I recover from this addiction?

Questions for the future should stay there.

Guilt is a healthy feeling. It means that you're doing something that you don't really approve of and should therefore stop.

How to recover? Well, what have you tried already? Make a list of everything you've tried already, and then do something that's not on that list.

My question is both how do I live with the guilt and what do I do regarding a spouse. I am/ have been working on my addiction for months now and actually felt like I was making good progress until this happened I am going to continue working on this but my main concern now is what to do regarding marriage and guilt whenever those are Nogia.
I need advice for how to deal with those issues, I feel like I'll be lying to my future wife by hiding this from her. its so painful I can't begin to describe. So that's what I need advice for.

There are two emotions here. Guilt and Fear.

Guilt on the past. Fear about the future. It is important to leave those two separate.

Let's remember where we are. What do I want right now?

How do you live with guilt? You're not supposed to. Guilt is there to compel you to change. When you change the guilt goes away. So the more important question is how do you change?

What to do about your spouse? Why worry about that now? Haven't you got enough to do?

Ok but how do I make sure the guilt doesn't interfere with my future relationships? It has me in a deathgrip right now I'm practically consumed by guilt for the past 2 days

I agree with the guys here: I think you are over thinking this. Who cares about guilt or your future wife (right now). At this moment you have to work on yourself and not worry about the future, Lets just think of getting better today.

What you did was in the past not matter what happened. You can't change it. Its the past. Lets move on: what can you do to prevent that?

mr.clean wrote:


Like I said, how do you live with guilt? You're not supposed to. Guilt is there to compel you to change. When you change the guilt goes away.

focus on today please....right now...and the moment which comes immediately afterwards

im really trying but i cant seem to. its really eating at me badly. im not in shiduchim yet and could technically wait a few months like 2 or 3 or if i really push maybe 4 but then i kinda have to start and i wont be able to shake this feeling. every girl i see im gonna be thinking "if only she knew who i really was/am" and that she deserves better. even until now i was able to justify myself with just watching porn that so many guys do it and that its something so many guys have to work on so when it comes marriage time and im "cured" then ill be able to keep that a thing of the past and that even took a long time to be able to convince myself. but this, this is a whole new league of falls, its not the internet, now i really messed up... guys dont do this. ur avg guy doesnt fall this far...

Do you think you are really ready to date?

For me, I would love to but i feel I am not ready for various reasons but definitely getting a hold on recovery is the top one. I feel like its much easier to recover while single than married anyhow

Have you considered going to a proper SA meeting?

Entering shidduchim doesn't mean you'll get married right away. You'll get married iy"H when Hashem decides it's the right time. Stop stressing so much, you're not in charge here. Let go and let the current carry you.

Stressing over the future is simply a lack of bitochon. I'm not judging, I do it too. A lot. But that's what it is. When you remember that things will happen the way Hashem decides it will, a lot of the stress melts away.

Hashem knows where you're holding better than you do, and He knows where your destination is and how best to get there. You don't know any of these things. Hashem will guide you down the path you need to go down to get to your destination. Trust Him and don't try to go any other way.

Just do your part, and I have a feeling that SA meetings are the way for you. But what do I know? It's just a suggestion. Think about it.

so definitly not ready to date as of now but i really have been working on myself that last few months lusting wise etc. does that all go out the window because of what i did for 30 min this past shabbos? (im asking without any sarcasam i really wanna know if it means i was just fooling myself the whole time)
and dr. watson u make a good point but one of the things that this will need is time. plain and simple time for me to forget about it so its not fresh. regarding the sa meetings, i tried the program it didnt really do it for me i didnt feel it helped me at all and that i could connect with it. i have been using other gye methods though like the taphsic and that helped like a charm. i hope hashem does guide me cause i have been feeling very lost lately