hey everyone it took a few days to finally be able to post this but the white book finally opened me up. i am not sure what i need so i will explain to you my situation and hopefully you can give me some direction. i have been masturbating since i was 14 and i am now 26. i am showing many signs of being an addict although my life stayed pretty stable. i never got involved with worse things other than looking at inappropriate things and have had an easy time stopping for months and even a year at a time. in a technical sense i fall somewhere between a level 2 and 3. i am married and i have finally been honest with my wife about what i have been doing. she is supportive and for the first time i am confident that i will never fall again. but that is only in the technical sense. i still have that feeling that i want to be seduced. after reading the white book i have allowed myself for the first time to acknowledge a feeling that i have always had. I hate Hashem.

I also just realized why i am so upset at Him.
my family was very into reading, but my parents never filtered our books and my older sister would take out romance novels. i was once reading one of them while laying on my stomach and i came out of nowhere. the rest is history. why did He do that to me ?

i have been thinking a lot. what hit me last is that i realized that what attracted me to my wife is that she is a much better person than me. and that was a common thread with all the girls who i dated and i had gotten serious with. i was looking for that loving and authoritative figure to finally accept me. and now i understand why it has always been so difficult for me to handle my wife being upset at me, i was always seeking Hashems approval thru her and her rejection was also hashems rejection . and it seems that the addiction twisted that need of approval into lust, i always wanted her to "want" me and seduce me. all because i dont feel like Hashem does.

Dear Appreciate,

I'm glad you appreciated (no pun intended, really ) my post.

I don't have an answer for you. I just came to the realization of my anger against Hashem last week. Maybe you and I can take solace in the following, we at least realize that we want a relationship with Him. If we are so angry, it's because we want to be close to Him.

Your first incident of ejaculation is rather reminiscent of mine, it also "just happened." I don't even know why mine happened, I wasn't even thinking of anything at the time but accidentally rubbed up against something and it just happened; I was 12 at the time and, like you, the rest was history. Understandably, it doesn't feel fair for either of us.

I also understand the resentment against your wife. I too have been angry with mine and short with her recently, a lot because of this (we fight for other reasons too but that's not relevant here). I have apologized profusely and asked her to bear with me. Mind you, that I'm also a great husband as well, and I'm sure you're a stellar husband as well. I wish things were more black and white, but it feels we're both mired in the grey somewhere. B'ezras Hashem, we will come out on top and better for it.

Hey guys, sorry for not responding, I didn't have time.

As I wrote to WHIC, I was also very upset with Hashem (not hate, but upset) why, why, why, I was always asking.

I was thrown into this by no fault of my own, it was purely heaven sent. but I was upset, I didn't want this to be me, I didn't want this to be my life, I wanted to be the gem, the star, and that is what everyone knew me to be!!

BH, I have come to realize that I am a gem, I am a star, and I hav major urges to watch porn and to masturbate. there is no stirah.

We are all good guys, and this has brought me to really see that. Our wives see the good in us, it's we that don't see the good in oursleves, for we say "all of it is a lie if I can't stop this one thing".

All of it is real, even though we can't stop, there is nothing wrong with not being able to stop, there is everything wrong with not being able to admit it.

So join the club, it's an amazinig journey, a journey into ourselves.

welcome!
tune in and youll b learning really soon that its all about the great love that hashem loves us and want us to be mekadesh his holy name in this filthy world we are living in and chose us to do that job and alot more to learn so hang in there and try talking to hashem about your feelings your mind set will be very different kol tov and remember that hashem loves us no matter what we do. CHZAK and KUTGW

i realized last night and because of that i didnt daven maariv on purpose for the first time in my life. i barely read the words during shacris, but by mincha i was finally able to speak to Him. i understood that i was stuck without Him, i realized that i couldnt live with only my own self approval, because who i am is so intertwined with Hashem becaude i have been living this life for so long and it is something i want, i dont know if that makes sense. But now i want His approval again. I want to be found worthy and good in His eyes.
I also have stop needing my wifes approval, because as long as i look towards her for approval i need her lust too, also it causes me to be critical of her because its hard to be so dependent on someone, and lastly how can i ever be sensitive to her needs and give to her if i always look to her for what i need most?
and most importantly i realized that i used sex and masturbation to make myself feel good and worthy of pleasure and a good life. but i must exchange that for healthy ways of taking care of myself.

Realizing that you need to speak to HaSAhem is one very important tool. However, there is no shortage of sources that suggest that Tefilah without Limud HaTorah and Limud HaTorah without Tefilah are equally problematic courses. Look at Tefilah and Limud HaTorah as your two secret weapons. Also, you say that your wife is a real Eshes Chayil. Try showing a little emotional intimacy and think a lot about how she would react to a discussion of your addiction. For some of us,such a discussion is a great step in the recovery from addiction. For others, such a discussion may be very ill advised.

WOW!!! AMazing stuff!!!

YOu are very worthy in Hashem's eyes, no need to work on that. He's waiting for you to just serve Him the way He created you right now, which is with all the history of your life. That is how He wants you to serve Him now, there is no need to pressure yourself to do more than that, because that's not what He wants!!

As for the discussion with your wife, do not only think about it, discuss it with at least one and even more than one person. Try someone who has experience dealing with these cases, I personally spoke to someone who has dealt with over 200 such cases, and was best advised not to tell yet even though he agrees that it could help us grow much much more together.

Whatever the case, You are certainly on the way, on the way to a better, clearer life!!

KUTGW!!!! KOT!!!!

and KOP!!!!