I used to be here, I took a long break here's my little story of why I'm back.. Chizuk I could use..

“Surprise!” She exclaimed. “Its exactly what you need, aren’t you happy?”. I smiled at her, but inside I was turning. It was smooth and sleek - brand new. It glared up at me as if it was daring me to open it. With my sweet innocent’s wife’s eyes upon me I opened it and started it up. “It so fast and built in internet, You will always be connected” “now you can do your work without anyone bothering you” She said excitedly.

MY heart beat quicker I knew what this meant – oh boy did I know. There was no way I was going to refuse such a lovely gift, but I knew what this meant, oh boy did I know.
I promised myself I would install filters and blocks, “I would never stumble” I said to myself. I was lying and I knew it too. I knew it would be soon and it filled my heart with dread. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I went along my merry life not failing – Not yet.
But I knew, I knew it would be soon and I dreaded it and wanted it at the same time. I wanted to fail – but I cried to gd “please don’t let me”. I thought I moved past this, but I knew I hadn’t. IT would be any day now I felt it inside.
I started to stumble – nothing big, but news outlets are full of skimpy outfits.. Facebook and youtube they became standard. I started to open my eyes in the streets – everything was a trigger. I was still holding on, but barely. It would be only time I Knew, oh boy did I know. I was Motzi Zera – I felt like crap. I swore I wouldn’t ever again – but I knew I was lying – oh boy did I know. In fact I did it again and again.
You see ever since I laid my eyes on that device – I wanted to fail – I wanted to fall – And I wanted to badly.
Then came the night my wife had to go out , I knew this is the one. My night of descent into hell, I woke up that morning knowing I would fail, I went to shul and I wanted to daven that I shouldn’t fail – but I wanted to so badly that I couldn’t even daven to save myself. I needed to fall – I had to.
I fell – I fell hard – I watched things that no one should watch. I was MZL twice, the second just to get the most from my fall – I surely didn’t need it.

That was it. It was over I failed – I felt like crap, I went as low as I was ready to.
I quickly got up installed the filter and the accounting software. I don’t have the password.
I feel better, the weight is off my chest. I feel like I can breath again. I look away twice today while in the street. I look my wife in the eyes today and mean it. I daven – I cry – “I’m still your child, gd”. I regret and I swear and I’ll be okay – for now.
Because for me this disease, it never leaves – it goes dormant – at times for years, usually months, but it lives inside of me and controls me.
Yesterday I lost – today I won, but I feel sad and weak - knowing this battle rages on.
Chanukah is here and it reminds me of hope in a dark time – A light in the darkness – A shining candle of hope and I smile inside – I can be a macabbi and Gd does love me.

Wow! What a story, what a story! Thanks so much for sharing it. We all need to read and and re-read it, and internalize that important summarization:

"...this disease, it never leaves – it goes dormant – at times for years, usually months, but it lives inside of me and controls me...this battle rages on..."

Oy Hashem, help us all!

MT

Amazing story, my laptop is filtered, but my mind plays tricks, what will be when I need a new computer?

Welcome back ploni!!!

it's great that you're ready to come back, what were doing that helped you until the new gadget?

Wow! Your story really reminds me of when my wife pressured me to use my free phone upgrade to get a smart phone. She just wanted me to be with the program and have the conveniences of technology. They don't realize what they are doing, they are innocent, we are the sick ones.
I too, waited just a little too long to put on filters (maybe subconsciously on purpose), and had a fall. I then put on filters and eventually found a way around them.
We dread getting those presents, we dread finding the holes in the filter, and we dread the next phone upgrade. So the question is, how can we ever stay safe? Especially when the common theme here is that we can't fight this yetzer hara, only stay away from it. But what if he keeps finding us?
I want to suggest an answer but would really rather see someone with more experience address this issue: True, we can't fight this y"h, but that means we can't be in a situation where we are tempted to lust and expect to control ourselves. But I think that we can work on ourselves and build our self-control to the point that we can look at a shiny new device and say I know that if this thing stays unfiltered I will fall. And we can learn to truly not want to let ourselves be put in that situation.

I totally relate to your feelings of wanting to let yourself have it. But we don't really want to fall, we just want to be put in that situation where we won't be able to control ourselves. And that's our main job here (I think), to realize we don't want to get to that point, and to be strong enough to fight the things that bring us there.

If we realize how powerless we are in fighting the lusting, we will fight the battles not to get there. Keep on fighting the right battles. Just get back up and make a man out of ploni. You can do it!

Well said hunjy1!!!!

Good to see you again!!

Thanks.

I was fighting the battle - I'm always fighting. But i didn't have easy access to Po*N, And I was immersed in my learning. NOw I'm working and I got a new computer thats all mine. My wife doesn't look at it. Its a killer. Even now that I have the filters Its a struggle. Since i wrote that piece, I've slipped again, no real stuff, but facebook and the news is bad enough. I know myself, i'm in a rut and i need to just get a hold of myself stay with the forum for a few weeks and i'll be okay for now..

Nicely said. I do dread the falls and I soo need them its crazy... Though I think you are right. When we reach that level where i can tell my wife or myself "i'm not touching that thing until I take it to tag or until you download a program"

How do we get there?

I don't know but lets daven hard while we still can..

Hi and thank you for sharing your story.

plonialmoni11 wrote:

From what you wrote (quoted) I think that you have a misconception which I use to have too.

You call it a disease, but then you talk about winning and losing.

The AA's and subsequently the SA's realized that being addicted is a sickness. Those who suffer from this sickness realize that there is NOTHING they can do to overcome it. It is there to stay for the rest of their lives. This is the difference between those who fight to win, and those who accept that on their own they have NO CHANCE of remaining sober.

Thankfully, they discovered that this does not mean that there is no hope. There is a solution! And that is living a spiritual way of live, one day at a time. If we turn and life over to His care, then he can restore our sanity, even if we don't act out.

May he grant us a day of sobriety and sanity.

Please forgive me if I misunderstood you and thank you for the opportunity to remind myself.

I agree with you, it is a sickness thats here to stay. but I must win each day no? BEcause if I don't fight to sober today, I wont be...

Does someone who has c"v cancer, win it?

Can a diabetic win?

Can someone who has a $50,000 debt with no money to pay, win?

Just some examples of impossible situations.

To me, winning is the hope that one day I will get rid of this problem. (I never managed). Today i accept that I am a loser and i live WITH my liabilities, my problems and my defects. I just need help from my Higher Power to remain sober and sane at the same time!

I am so confused. Ploni wrote about 'winning that day (and knowing that the battle rages on)', how does that sound like thinking that we can be 'rid of the problem'. Is there a real disagreement here or is it just a matter of semantics, or (and I think this is the truth) Chesky gets chizuk from reiterating again and again and again that we cannot win on our own w/o Hashem's help.

I'ts different then cancer or diabeties or debt, bc with those its just there, and nothing they do makes a difference but if I was an alcoholic or SA or MZLA (motzie zera levatal anonymous) I must fight to stay sober each day! If I give up for a second I drown in the shmutz. With Cancer it just is and there is only a battle to survive or to be happy, but there is none of that "dont go there" "close your eyes or else" dont take that first sip".. etc..

kilochalu wrote:

Both are true.

For some people, this is a battle they can win on their own, and with the right push, chizzuk and tools they can win.

For me nothing worked long term. I do not get chizzuk from reiterating that I am powerless. I just acknowledge that that is the reality (even though I may feel otherwise), and therefore I turn to HaShem to help me, and thankfully He does one day at a time.

plonialmoni11 wrote:

For me there is no difference. I believe (based on my track record) that there is NOTHING I can do on my own to stay sober.

For me the reason I do not take the first drink is not because that is what will keep me sober, but because I cannot afford to. I have to admit powerlessness over that first drink; otherwise I will not remain sober.

However avoiding that first drink will not keep me sober on its own. Even if I avoid all triggers etc, I still have a problem and that is, that my head still convinces me that lust is the best thing for me and that it can solve all my problems. I am convinced that if I do not have my drug then I will not be able to function or to remain sane. And there is NOTHING for me to do about that on my own. My mind and my body both send me messages that without their drug, they will cease to function.

And at that point I am the same as the guy who is sick, or in debt, in that I am powerless over my situation.

But thankfully I learnt that as powerless as I am, I am not hopeless. I have come to believe that HaShem, my loving Abba, cares for me and can restore my sanity even if I do not act out, just as he can help the sick guy or the guy in debt.