HI Yonatan welcome! I hope you achieve your goal of getting close to HaSHem. After all, that is the purpose of life.

Stay Pure,
Daniel

Thank you so much for this!

Welcome bro,

your determination inspires me!
Take it one day at a time and keep on fighting no matter what.
I know that you can do it!

Hatzlocha Yonatan! Being pure is such a sweet feeling and makes life so much more enjoyable for me. JUst walking around and being, are a pleasure now.

To keep what you have gotten, I'd caution you not to do things that bring impurity front and center in one's mind. Some people want others to purify themselves and suggest tikkun klali, fastidiousness, fixing the damage we have done in the past, etc. Those things can feel very religious and intense, but for many people they are just a way to get high. Exactly like porn and sex are. I have been there.

Relax and stay at peace with Hashem. Using 'tikkun klali' and Teshuvah to draw closer to Him can be great things to do - just consider going about them without tapping into guilt-pain, fanaticism, or a restless discontent with 'normal' goodness. Before you know it, we end up giving in to a need for ecstasy with Hashem. Ecstasy with Hashem is a gift, we do not produce it out of need, that's basically demanding it. Demands ruin the trip! Same as marriage, BTW. And also, guilt and purity-chasing have their place - but can be very slippery slopes.

The bottom line is that you are probably pure enough right now, man. And we will never, ever be 'pure enough' to deserve His Presence in your lives. It's always gonna be a favor cuz He loves us, period. And from here we all move forward! It's a very nice trip, actually...except for those who insist on looking back a lot (even for 'purity').

Two things that scripture tells us about Hashem are that He is "in the still, quiet voice" (kol d'mamo dakoh)- ecstasy is not required; and that "He stays with us even though we are not pure" (hashochen itom b'soch tum'osam) - He is like a father who accepts his child as is and cleans him up, rather than waiting in the next room for his child to get clean. Our purity is not a precondition for loving Him and doing all sorts of stuff for Him - and it is not a precondition for Him loving and helping us in every way.

Congratulations for finding yiddishkeit and all the best on keeping balance. Torah life is so rich, and has room for the gamut - including ecstasy. Well-adjusted Torah Jews are a great resource for me and others to get help in striking that precious balance. My Hashem guide you (and all of us) to many such people in this life.

And your G-d will help you! It's easy for Him cuz He loves us all so very much.

Dov wrote:

Well said. Its always gonna be a favor - every time! Whether its nice weather, parnasah, good kids, the right shidduch, clarity, the beating of my heart...its all a favor. I never did anything to deserve it. I never made G-d do it by being a good boy.

WELCOME BRO

so good to have you here

just having you here gives me chizuk