Some of you might know me been here on and off. I have a friend who stares laughs and comments on every girl he sees. I try and help but it's in one ear and out the other with him. I'm gay, and I accept that for what it is. I don't actively go out looking for partners but if I feel I want to go out I allow myself a video in order to get the feeling out of my system I am comfortable with it for the most part but how do I explain appropriate views on women to my straight friend? I find it hard to find the words sometimes. We are both on the autism spectrum, but he more than I

My take on explaining appropriate views is that you don't explain appropriate views. He probably likes those views. In order to get over his views he has to do certain behaviors. His head will then find a justification for the behaviors and build beliefs. For example, if he takes it upon himself to never look at women in the street pretty soon he is going to start viewing them differently, he is going to tell himself that they are worthy of respect. There are probably many other effective actions of this type. I think in the 12-step program people pray for other people. He could pray for them. Action precedes belief.

Incidentally, regarding what you said about yourself. Should you ever wish to stop thinking of yourself as gay and start thinking of yourself as straight I think I have heard something that may help.

T took me years to reach that conclusion. I was raped (I think) and since then I have been struggling with that. The people that know are very understanding of my situation and how I came to be this way. But please tell me what you have heard works, I'm curious to know

I am so glad that you know people that are understanding. As a child I used porn and fantasies with both men and women, so I like both. It so happens that I have never actually been with a man, and I don't plan on ever doing that, but when I lose my sexual sobriety I fantasize both ways.

The solution I heard took a few weeks. It was for someone who was a pedophile who wanted to start desiring women. The method I think was that every time he saw a woman he made up a sexual fantasy in his head with her in it. He used a tally counter to make sure he was doing it. You can get a free software tally counter for both ios and android.

One thing I learned is that your life is determined by your past only in an indirect way. You learn things, and you keep on making those same choices that you learned. But with the proper instruction you can learn to make new choices also. Meaning, people don't change until they know how to want to.

Hello seichel,

I also struggle with SSA. I could be wrong, but I think autism effects a person's ability to communicate and be social. Maybe this is why he has trouble processing what you tell him. Once again, I maybe totally wrong. Its just a thought I had.

Also, its is inaccurate to label people as 'gay' or 'straight'. The idea of labeling people with a single desire has only existed in modern Western cultures. Even the ancient Greeks and Romans, who did not look negatively SSA, didn't think this way. It is better to say 'I have desires for man and/or women' than to say 'I am gay/striaght'. In the former, you are stating emotions that you have. In the latter, you are stating what you are. If you look at things this way, then 'gay' people can get rid of SSA with therapy, just as depressed people can get rid of depression.

I hope that what I have said helps you. I have lust towards men and women, so I know how confusing it is. Feel free to message me anytime.

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

I would not try to get rid of an attraction to other men. I think if that is the goal than failure is assured. If you want to choose not to pursue an attraction to men you have to have a good reason to do it, namely have a better attraction to women. You can develop an attraction to anything if you spend time thinking about it, observing it, studying it, etc. There are probably people who think that certain spiders are amazingly interesting, because they write their Ph.D. on them.

Since I decided to love myself without conditions I view my homosexual attraction as an asset which I choose not to use. Sort of like Raysh Lakish who probably knew how to kill a man in five different ways and eventually chose to pursue other endeavors.

thank you for that. i suppose that ploni.almoni is right. maybe i shouldnt just accept my apparent homosexuality, but appreciate that i can use it to do the right sexual mitzvos, like you. i have been struggling with my SSA for most of my life but did not realize ut until about 13 or 14. then i was going back and forth in my head as to who and what i was attracted to. your response interests me. can we communicate by email? I'll send you a pm with my address. thanks again!

Sure, we can correspond by email.

I heard a story recently that I think answers the original question.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe once encouraged someone to reach out to others to put tefillin on them. The person told the Rebbe that he wouldn't feel so comfortable doing so, being that he, himself, was not putting on tefillin! The Rebbe responded with a two-part answer.
1. Because you don't put on tefillin, others should suffer?? If you have the ability to help someone else put on tefillin, why should you deny them that mitzvah?
2. Right now you may not be putting on tefillin, but by reaching out to others and helping them do the mitzvah, it may help you to eventually start putting it on, too.

From what I have heard around here I understand that there are two types of SSA. One is a normal lust issue, just like I lust after women others lust after women AND men.

The second is that people ONLY have desires for men, and NOT for women. That is another issue entirely and I hear that that is what the SSA forum is for.

Hatzlacha in whatever helps for you!