In this post I'll write some memories from some 30 years ago or so. as my therapist is making me to relive my life & relook at those "little things" that I prefare to forget. because i can't do it myself. I'm literly crying with tears on my face at work (for that small things that i didn't get 25-36 yrs ago) hoping nobody will see me...

(OY VEY! CURRENTLY MY MOTHER IS IN OLAM HA'EMES! HOW CAN I DO THIS TO HER?! am I me'orer dinim on her ח"ו?!)

at this post I'm anywhere bet. 6 (maybe younger) - 14 (about)

"Ima, I also want ice cream in a bath-shaped cone!" (the same as my other brother got)
"It's nothis. same ice cream. just a diff. cone-shape" (& he's older too)
(thought) "looks biger, is it realy the same?) (QUITE! don't ask again! probably there is no money for two)
(yes, crying today for not getting ice cream 30 yrs ago is a little KOOKOO! but it's not the ice cream.)


"Ima, can you come to talk to me in bed like you talking to everyone else"
(aba) "Ima can't. she is not feeling good. she had to go to sleep. let's talk to me"
(BIG CRY) I don't need to talk to you! I forget already what I wanted to tel Ima. I just need her to give me same time she gives everyone here. why is she "sick" when it comes to me!! (although I can't remember exact age to verify, I do belive that within a few days she had another child in the middle of arvei psochim cleaning)

"Aba, can I go to XXX for shaleshudes"
"no you can't! you didn't behave"
(thought) "what did i do wrong now?"


"aba, can you answer me this question"
"think on this one by yourself"
(thought)but how? can you give me a hint?!

i have flashback memories wich i didn't have before. it was comletely dark inside. from time to time something came back but not at this rate. it was once in a while. maybe every few months. now i remember the ice cream. i remember that shaleshudes. & i can't even put everything in writing. i wrote & eresed before posting being unable to deal with the pain.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. I can feel your pain in those posts. May your crying bring healing.

Hi,

Some times when I get really depressed, I think about all the wrong things I have done. I know how bad it hurts. It makes me feel even worse than I did back then. I just wanted you to know that someone feels the same pain you do.

-some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

thank you.

when I'm thinking too much to what happened to me or to what I did to others (my wife!) i can't stop crying. I get depressed. & when I think how special she is for me, how understanding, i ask my self "במה זכיתי?" how she is calming me down telling me i havn't done anything wrong. i was just sick man who is now at least taking care of himself. & how that was השם יתברך plan for us. & if is not me it will be a difrent husbad. she can't run from גזירת שמים.

I'm at my late teenage right now. in the Tel-Hashomer hospital next to my mother's bed. watching her last few moments. hoping for a miracle. for her to get up & say "it was all one big joke" & come back home. or for the doctor to say "it was a miracle" asking myself why do I "let her" suffer. why am i not changing with her. & finally seeing her closing her eyes. untill תחיית-המתים.

Very heavy stuff you are dealing with.

HELP!!! I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND!!! HOW MUCH CAN I HANDLE?!

I got now a book to read (and work) about love addiction. where it comes from & how it effect life. another similar book about codependancy is on the way & all this bring memories. re-living 30 yrs ago. all that i pushed away. now it's the time to cry about it. & it's too much.

today I'm 10 yrs old. & it's yom kipur. I'm going to shul with Abba without breakfeasf. no food is broght into shul. we are going about 10-15 min. in the middle of the day I'm white & dizzy. Abba takes me home to eat. but it takes 10-15 min walk. & I'm hungry & weak.

(now i undersand why for years I had to" leave shul in the middle of shachris. sometimes before 9:30am. not even time for breakfeast yet. but it's from this trauma. I forgot but my mind didn't & my mind responds for yom kipur in this way)