SIB101854 wrote:


i'm little confuse. not sure if i understood correctly. did you mean to tel him (or us) to turn to our wife when ever we feel this taava? should we use our wife as sex object or alternative to porn?

If you deny and repress the simple fact that physical intimacy with your wife is a wonderful Mitzvas Aseh or seek to R"L supplant that Mitzvah by Porn and masturbation, you are not only being Mvatel a Mitzvas Aseh, but rejecting one of your obligations as a married man that is written in every Ksuvah. The Mesilas Yesharim in the Hakdamah based on a Gemara in Chulin writes that anything that the Torah prohibits can be enjoyed in a permissible manner. The Netziv writes in Parshas Bchukosai by the Tochacah that Shemiras HaMitzvos is compared to a patient being given medicine by a doctor. If one takes the medicine, one cures himself from his sickness. If one R"L fails to take the medicine , the sickness continues. So, writes the Netziv-with respect to Shemiras HaMitzvos which HaShem Yisborach prescribed as His Medicine for Klal Yisrael on an individual and communal level.

ok let me make it cleare. i never dinied this need and/or mitzvah. i abuse it. i abused my wife because i needed to be mekayem this mitzva. (by the way, i was never concern on she'era & kesusa. maybe i need to get a better paying job? maybe i need to work overtime? why only on onasa i was so machmir even when she wasn't in the moode? a point to think)

certainly when it's done bikdusha vetahara & with both partners willingness it's heilig. but in the many years that i'm married i had very few times that it was done like this. most of the times she was not more that bsar ta'ava. & if you write to have normal releationship "whenever I feel the urge to read or watch porn" to me it mean to come over to my wife & tell her " i need sex right now, do you want to be my partner or you want me to turn to other ladies/porn?"

one is not machmir on the mitzvah of onah when he has sex with his wife when she is not willing. That borders on rape, and I highly doubt there is any kiyum mitzvah whatsoever.

Some of this conversation I am not following: The extremes being discussed here are dangerous. If one's wife rejects him, he should immediately turn to porn and masturbate? If one is seized by urges and desires, he should immediately grab his wife and force her into bed with him?

Why are these the options on the table? What happened to self control? I understand that many of us here (myself included) are still bgeder choleh sheyeish bo sakkanah, but why revert to these extremities?

b'hatzlachah

I think that the point SIB was making was to turn our impure thoughts to our wife, thereby making the thoughts pure while still not letting go of the lust. I think that could work for some of us, but it really depends on what your relation with your wife is.