Hello holy jews,

This is not my first time here, just my first time in almost 2 years! I am a married Rebbie with children. I have been fighting lusting and struggling with MZL my whole life. I have never done anything BH too bad but I have trying to kick the MZL and P*** Taviah for a long time.
Here is my story. 3 years ago I fell very very bad and became addicted to P*** After my wife got an Ipod with Internet. This went on for some time and was hurting my learning, my marriage and the joy of living. It came to a halt after a particular bad fall where I took my Iphone and threw it into the toilet (literally). Then I signed up to GYE and began the 90 days thing and other methods. BH I had some slips but after my child was born I turned off my computer (told my wife it broke) and got rid of it. (At that time I also stopped going on GYE) And I began to thrive, I dived into my learning and teaching, I learned to be there for my wife and children. and Boruch hashem. I grew in that time like never before and became the Mechanach and yid I only dreamed of becoming. This went on for 11 months, until I went to America for summer vacation with my family. I had to much time, no chavrusahs and nothing going on. I almost fell hard and was almost nichshal but right before I called the GYE hotline in desperation and someone there gave me the chizuk I needed and I survived. ( however I did slip up and was MZL once that trip but in the picture I feel I did okay considering..). The next year once again I grew and learnt and taught like never before. My wife and I grew closer and have a great relationship, I have many talmidim and had a great year. Untill now. Once again I'm in america, this time I set my self up and had chavrusahs and have been teaching people as well. I am looked up to here as a mechanch and Talmid chacham. However the easy internet access and the fact that my wife is busy and I still have to much time on my hands. I looked at P*** twice and was MZl a few times.. I have fallen and although I know I will get up and do well again. I am sitting here crying at myself.. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to keep slipping up. I want to grow beyond this. I know I am better than this, why do I keep falling? I am lacking nothing in my life. Hahsem is excellent to me and this is my repayment?! I feel disgusted at myself and my lack of strength.. GD please help me be your loyal soldier.

Hi, chaver.

I hear you loud and clear. It seems to me that as long as you are not in olam hazeh, and the option of searching on the internet for porn is there, you are just great. But real life includes vacations. And apparently for you, vacations include access to the internet. And filters are not perfect when a person is dying to get the sweet porn he wants to get so badly. So people like us find it.

It's just part of real life.

Now, what to do?

Keep running faster?

Well, by posting here, you have started opening up in a real way.

How would you feel about speaking on the phone with a safe person who understands exactly what this struggle is like and is clean for some years. i can provide you with many people, frum or not, Jews or not, who would be happy to speak with you about this issue, which is not going away for you, obviously.

Let me know. I also PM'd you.

Hatzlocha and lots of love, chaver.

- Dov

Thank you for that.

Its not that I don't have access to internet all year. I do. I work on the internet at nights. However I do have a filter (which I know I could probably get around) its just that I decided I was done and its not an option ( and I only have access to my wifes computer and not her new Iphone). I am busy and productive and Its not so tempting during the year. I am extremely careful about watching my eyes on the street and it never really comes to P***. However here in america the triggers are everywhere and I cant get around them and over a couple of weeks they wear me down, add in the free time and an unfiltered Ipad at my disposal and I'm a disaster! How can I get around that? its me against the entire society. I cant really watch my eyes when the people all around me are mostly naked!! (my family isn't religious). And the worst part is, I knew I was going to fall, I felt it slightly at first then it grew and grew till I just had to. I'm not sure opening up is going to help either, It doesn't make the triggers or the desire fade..

It doesn't make the triggers or desires fade, but it gave me a whole new perspective on them.

I realized so many obvious things that I missed.

The society....is stupid.They missed the boat on life, sex and so many other things that have potential for so much beauty.I don't want to learn from them, don't want to be part of them, and don't want to be like them.

Society seems to tell us that it may not be a need to survive but life without it is dull and pretty much worthless.Go after it as hard as you can, demean your humanity and self worth for it.It's the most important thing so if you are religious and can't have, well then poor poor you.

Society is dead wrong, not only is it just a small part of life, but it's actually only fulfilling and meaningful when used properly.Proof is in the pudding, why else is society so unhappy that they need constant distraction from life even though they are probably the most "free" and unchained since the dor hamabul?

The answer in my most humble of opinions is that it's because they totally missed the point and counterfeit pleasure doesn't satisfy, it just creates a sadness due to realizing that it's all fake.

I once heard that the way to tell if a pleasure is real or not is to see if you still feels good after you've had it. A blatt gemarah makes you walk away with an amazing feeling, eating a pound of cotton candy or watching porn and masturbating to it, makes you walk away feeling depressed.

Realizing how society is wrong and that the torah is right not only on a spiritual side but even on a basic practical side has help me tremendously, I stopped feeling like I'm missing out and started being thankful for having grown up in such an environment.

Life is about having meaning not fulfilling desires, and that in my opinion is where society went wrong.We don't have to, and we don't need to give into a desire even if it's staring you right in the face.

Another thing, you say that opening up to people doesn't make the triggers or desires fade away.That may be, but one thing I can say is that opening up to someone while the lust is there will definitely make the lust go away.It's been tried and proven many times.There's a saying in SA (not that I'm part of it, but there's a lot to learn from it) "Lust glows in the dark, but it fades upon exposure to light".

But really this is all fine and well, but the ikkur change comes from work. I know that you alreay know this (and I'm sure most of what I said) seeing as you're a Rebbi and talmid chacham, and I'm just a bachur, but I still dare to say this and the rest of what I say on this site in the hopes of maybe fulfilling, "umitalmidei yoser mikulam".

May Hashem grant us all hatzlacha in every way.

You can do better for yourself,kadoshguywhatever, thats the bottom line. Like inastruggle wrote, it takes real work - taking real actions like making a phone call to another weakling like me or him, or any real person with this problem who is clean today. Open up. These posts are a start...a weak start - but something. No fear is needed, and certainly there is no shame about being honest. Is there?

gonnabekodosh wrote:

At the very least, it focuses us away from ourselves. When looking at porn and masturbating we are very focused on ourselves - our selfish pleasure. Focus on others. Even calling our wives or a friend, helps us to get out of our own heads (which is a dangerous place to be)

Making a call to another struggling person, and admitting what temptation we are facing does makes the temptation fade. It brings us back to reality from fantasy. In our fantasy world, we can "imagine" that it's not that bad, it's not my fault, and a myriad (always wanted to use that word ) of other rationilizations (we have an unlimited supply - don't we?). When we talk to someone else and tell them what we are thinking, we can see how silly and stupid it really is.

It also adds a large dose of humility, which never hurts either .

Inna, that was awesome!

gonnabekodosh wrote:


Not exactly. The fact that you 'knew' you were going to 'fall' and that it grew until you 'had to'...doesn't that sound suspicious to you that it was cooking. Cooking inside you. You may consider that it is just possible that that the one thing you did not want to do - the unthinkable: opening up to a safe person about it clearly - would have changed something.

You may say the only thing it would have changed is that, now, your would be out of control and ashamed. But I say that the very aversion to opening up, proves that it is part of the answer.

I was mugged a few years ago in a shul parking lot. The huge guy whispered to me, "OK, now, be very, very quiet." He looked desperate that I be quiet.

Now, he figured that I would interpret the advice he was giving me as being for my sake, as in: "If you know what's good for you, be quiet!"

But I knew better. He was telling me what he needed, for his best interest. He showed me his #1 worry and weakest point.

So I hollered at him as loudly as I could just what I thought of him, and that he'd better get away from me right now! (twice, for good measure). He was so shocked, frightened, and confused, that when I left, he didn't follow me.

So what do we learn? That exactly what our sick minds are desperate for us not to do, is probably precisely what we need to do. Exactly what has been happening all along, is exactly what needs to change for there to be any change.

Do we want comfort and self-respect, or do we want change? I gladly choose change for myself. There's no shame in that, I think. Go for it, Rebbi!