Shalom to you all.
I'd like to share with you a bit about my history so that I can with God's help receive some chizuk and strengthen myself.
I am 19 years old. I am the youngest of four male children in my family. My parents were married for about 20 years until I was 8 years old, when they divorced and basically went their separate ways. I spent from the years 8-15 switching back and forth daily between the homes of my father and mother. My father grew up in a very dysfunctional home and suffers from severe bipolar disorder and manic depression. My mother is a narcissist with absolutely no control over her emotions and is a control freak. What kept them together for so many years was probably running a multi-million dollar electronics business and their reputation in the community.
My brothers suffered tremendous physical and emotional abuse and subsequently each one of them ended up using drugs at an addictive level. One dealt Shrooms and LSD, the other became an alcoholic and gambler, and the other dealt Zanex and almost overdosed on Cocaine. Taking after the example of my parents, each of my brothers became womanizers. I grew up with nude statues around the house and whenever I visited my father's parents home I would see literally thousands of nudes and nude paintings. There were sex advice books around my home casually, and my brothers (as early as age 15) would bring young girls over to sleep with my parents' approval. My parents encouraged me to masturbate at least once a day and my father had pornographic magazines accessible.
I grew up much later than my brothers did but I developed an awkward sexuality as well. I would fantasize about every woman I knew, my teacher, girls at school, my friends' parents. I got in trouble on a few occasions for making sexual comments and jokes as early as age 4 or 5. Sexuality overtook my life as early as age 3 (non-exaggeration). I always wished for the day where I would take over my brothers' positions as the "ladies man" of my school and community. I followed my father's example and called the girls in my class profane names on a few occasions. My father made comments to me about the “pink part” of females’ bodies on many occasions. My parents gave me a computer and of course, as early as age 9 I knew all the best pornographic sites and chat rooms.
Eventually at age 14 my father decided that he was going to do "soul searching" and he converted back and forth from a few different religions. My mother made it her goal to demonize him in my eyes for years. He spent over a million dollars on prostitutes and illicit drugs. He would always fly to Amsterdam but said he couldn't tell me why. I accepted this innocently. He took my brothers to strip clubs and brothels. My mother provided insane mental stress and anxiety for me--calling me a copy of my father (using his last name as a curse almost) and calling me a wimp for not wanting to be so social and play sports all the time. She is also a pathological liar and codependent.
My father moved away to different states and eventually Israel for a couple years, but then decided to move to Thailand and he married a non-Jew and basically stopped supporting anything to do with me for years now.
I became a baal teshuvah at age 15 and entered yeshivot for almost 4 years where I learned a lot and excelled to the top of any place I was, but suffered repeated prejudice for being Sephardi and a baal teshuva. Those years were bittersweet. I have been struggling with sexual problems for my entire life, and there are some weeks/months where I am very strong but others where I just want to die.
I feel like the fact that I was born to my mother in a state of niddah has to do with it, plus the way I was raised. I also know the tremendous punishment for sexual sins and I want to die from the guilt and embarrassment of my thoughts and actions I have performed in my youth. My mother has instilled in me guilty feelings for nearly everything I do and it is difficult for me to feel good about even the mitzvot that I do (tzedakah, chazan in shul, learning a lot, giving out Torah CDs, etc). I feel like no matter what I am still in for doom, in this life and the next.
This has led me to ups and downs in my connection to God because on the one hand I know the Torah is true and I am very frum, but on the other I have difficulty feeling God's love for me because I am a sick and disgusting creature in my own eyes.
I don't watch pornography or masturbate on any frequent basis (when I am happy I have a powerful self-control factor), however my thoughts and guilt are what sometimes spiral me into depression/ yeush. At that point I beat myself up for being a bad son to my parents and a bad son to the Almighty.
I seek any and all loving advice from these holy neshamot on this forum.
May God bless you all.
