Shalom to you all.

I'd like to share with you a bit about my history so that I can with God's help receive some chizuk and strengthen myself.

I am 19 years old. I am the youngest of four male children in my family. My parents were married for about 20 years until I was 8 years old, when they divorced and basically went their separate ways. I spent from the years 8-15 switching back and forth daily between the homes of my father and mother. My father grew up in a very dysfunctional home and suffers from severe bipolar disorder and manic depression. My mother is a narcissist with absolutely no control over her emotions and is a control freak. What kept them together for so many years was probably running a multi-million dollar electronics business and their reputation in the community.

My brothers suffered tremendous physical and emotional abuse and subsequently each one of them ended up using drugs at an addictive level. One dealt Shrooms and LSD, the other became an alcoholic and gambler, and the other dealt Zanex and almost overdosed on Cocaine. Taking after the example of my parents, each of my brothers became womanizers. I grew up with nude statues around the house and whenever I visited my father's parents home I would see literally thousands of nudes and nude paintings. There were sex advice books around my home casually, and my brothers (as early as age 15) would bring young girls over to sleep with my parents' approval. My parents encouraged me to masturbate at least once a day and my father had pornographic magazines accessible.

I grew up much later than my brothers did but I developed an awkward sexuality as well. I would fantasize about every woman I knew, my teacher, girls at school, my friends' parents. I got in trouble on a few occasions for making sexual comments and jokes as early as age 4 or 5. Sexuality overtook my life as early as age 3 (non-exaggeration). I always wished for the day where I would take over my brothers' positions as the "ladies man" of my school and community. I followed my father's example and called the girls in my class profane names on a few occasions. My father made comments to me about the “pink part” of females’ bodies on many occasions. My parents gave me a computer and of course, as early as age 9 I knew all the best pornographic sites and chat rooms.

Eventually at age 14 my father decided that he was going to do "soul searching" and he converted back and forth from a few different religions. My mother made it her goal to demonize him in my eyes for years. He spent over a million dollars on prostitutes and illicit drugs. He would always fly to Amsterdam but said he couldn't tell me why. I accepted this innocently. He took my brothers to strip clubs and brothels. My mother provided insane mental stress and anxiety for me--calling me a copy of my father (using his last name as a curse almost) and calling me a wimp for not wanting to be so social and play sports all the time. She is also a pathological liar and codependent.

My father moved away to different states and eventually Israel for a couple years, but then decided to move to Thailand and he married a non-Jew and basically stopped supporting anything to do with me for years now.

I became a baal teshuvah at age 15 and entered yeshivot for almost 4 years where I learned a lot and excelled to the top of any place I was, but suffered repeated prejudice for being Sephardi and a baal teshuva. Those years were bittersweet. I have been struggling with sexual problems for my entire life, and there are some weeks/months where I am very strong but others where I just want to die.

I feel like the fact that I was born to my mother in a state of niddah has to do with it, plus the way I was raised. I also know the tremendous punishment for sexual sins and I want to die from the guilt and embarrassment of my thoughts and actions I have performed in my youth. My mother has instilled in me guilty feelings for nearly everything I do and it is difficult for me to feel good about even the mitzvot that I do (tzedakah, chazan in shul, learning a lot, giving out Torah CDs, etc). I feel like no matter what I am still in for doom, in this life and the next.

This has led me to ups and downs in my connection to God because on the one hand I know the Torah is true and I am very frum, but on the other I have difficulty feeling God's love for me because I am a sick and disgusting creature in my own eyes.

I don't watch pornography or masturbate on any frequent basis (when I am happy I have a powerful self-control factor), however my thoughts and guilt are what sometimes spiral me into depression/ yeush. At that point I beat myself up for being a bad son to my parents and a bad son to the Almighty.

I seek any and all loving advice from these holy neshamot on this forum.

May God bless you all.

I don't know what to say... your story is amazing. And you aren't a disgusting creature- far from it. You are an amazing human being who has been created b'tzelem Elokim.
Keep going chaver! We're all with you!

Welcome chaver,

Every person is judged according to his circumstances, and based on your circumstances you are quite a tzaddik. You did not choose your unfortunate background, but in spite of it all, you did choose to seek Hashem, and He surely loves you for that. So keep up the good work, trying to do what you believe is Hashem's will for you, and be'ezrat Hashem you should see much success and Siyata Dishmaya.

Hatzlacha

MT

My childhood on steroids!

Welcome brother! I'm so glad you posted your story, painful as it is.
You've obviously been through some sort of counseling to have such a clear perspective of your family life.

Self control can be very helpful to overcome these taivos.
In recovery, we learn to channel our self control, and our commitment, in the most effective manor. And speaking of commitment, it's refreshing to read an intro post from someone who is truly committed to breaking free. Your clear commitment is inspiring.

You didn't choose your family or how you were born, Hashem did. Don't ever forget that. What your parents did and how they lived clearly was not the ratzon Hashem. But your being born into that setting was. This is your nisayon. It's huge. But being a baal teshuva you have a fresh start and a clean slate. You can straighten yourself out and have begun to do so. The wounds will always be there. Always. But you will get better and better at dealing with them and not letting them drag you down.

In fact, don't let anything drag you down. That's a favorite trick of the Yetzer Hora -- to make a person feel like a worth-less failure so it's not even worth trying. Because he knows that all we have to do is make the effort and REACH OUT TO HASHEM, and He will help us in our return to Him.

Keep moving forward, taking it one day at a time. When the time is right, you will be able to marry and start a new, loving, giving, normal family, b'ezras Hashem.

Keep talking to Hashem. In your own words.

B'ahava,

Alex

Welcome tasitfome! Thank you for sharing such a beutiful and inspiring story. You will be free IY"H. There are so many tools here, as well as caring loving people. You are on your way to recovery. You may want to click on a couple of the links in my signature.

One is Dr Sorotzkin. He has some great articles and audio on many topics including this article on "acting out" www.drsorotzkin.com/pdf/PSYCHOLOGICAL-FACTORS.pdf .

"Dov Quotes" is another good link to some very good advice from someone who is sober for about 15 years now.

MAZAL TOV on starting this journey. You are not alone. You are part of a community that understands what you are going through.

Thank you all for your such loving responses.

It sure is hard feeling that you are loved in the eys of the Almighty, but your reassurance is so refreshing and gives me a tremendous amount of chizuk. It is also very difficult understanding why we are put in, or born into a certain set of circumstances. I suppose that is part of the test that we shouldn't know the answer.

It is clearly the tachbulos HaSatan (tricks of the Satan/Yetzer Harah) to convinve a Jew that he is practically worthless.

I pray for you all and myself that we should realize the value we have in the eyes of Hashem.


By the way, I have been using the username "Tasitfome" for nearly everything for a long time now, perhaps you all would like to know what it means:
It stands for Tower And Strength In The Face Of My Enemy,
Which basically sums up Hashem's role in my life.

With love.

I was wondering about your name. Thanks for the explanation.

Yes, many of us have a hard time feeling loved. Hashem loves each of us more than we can imagine. Everything Hashem does is 100% Chessed. We just don't always see it.

Rebbe Shlomo of Karlin, a young talmid of the Maggid of Mezritch once said, "I wish that Hashem would help me have love for the world's greatest tzaddik that is even a fraction of the love He has for the world's worst rosho."

May we never let our mothers' niddah, or our past sins, or even our worst present terrible messes, get in the way of that awareness at all.

A thing about parents--theyre human too. it was a huge breakthrough when I realized that many of my parents insecurities are reflected in their attitude toward me, and it was their problem, not mine.

You've come to a great place, and just reading your story face me tremendous chizuk. It is a little counterintuitive, but the hishtadlus comes from us and the results are from Hashem--that means that sometimes it can br counterproductive to focus on the past or future, or what our chelek in Olam Haba looks like.

Keep us posted!!

I am not sure how familiar any of you are with hypnosis or regression (childhood or past life), but for me it has been extremely helpful in helping me understand my parents' being human and the absolute root of my personality and struggles.

With hypnosis I can literally spend hours in childhood memories as if I was there, it's all a matter of practicing. It has enhanced my daveningand memory as well. Give it a try, it seems to me that it is very similar to what the Ramchal writes about Hitbonenut (intense contemplation).

It is also what the Piazezcner Hy"d wrote near the end of his sefer "Derech Hamelech" where he describes a program of self hypnosis that I think is amazing. Thanks for sharing what is working for you to feel better and live better with us, amigo!