Hello. I am new here. Ive been trying to kick my addiction unsuccessfully for the past year. I have been watching porn for 4 years now, acting out for 3. Also, what makes all off this more complicated is that i am currently seeing a therapist for ssa. I am now reaching the end of my first year of study in israel and would have hoped that by now i would be able to stop this terrible and shameful addiction. But, the longest ive gone the whole year is 22 days, most recently 19. I am now 3 days sober and i just started using guard your eyes.
If anyone is like me, or has any good suggestions that worked for them with bad thoughts, please respond. And if you think youre alone or that things cant get even more complicated for you, what ive learned from this website is that we're all on the same boat, trying to survive. The problem is i feel like im drowning in this. Lately, however i have been devoting a lot of my focus towards yeshiva, and i b"h havent had any lingering bad thoughts since the night i messed uP, 3 nights ago. Eagerly awaiting any chizuk or support or even compassion, Newyorker94

WELCOME! You are right, we are all in the same boat. Many here are also dealing with SSA. Have you read the GYE handbook? There are lots of tools.

Does your therapist know about your porn and acting out problem, or just the SSA part?

Keep reading and posting.

You are among friends.

Thank you for replying! It means so much to me. Yes, my therapist is aware. I dont have access to the handbook righ now because my phone's internet is blocked but i plan to start reading it soon.

My therapist does know. He suggested i go to a group but i want to try out GYE first because it seems really inspiring and if i use this website enough, i hope to get addicted to it. It seems very useful. I always seem to last about 15 days and then i fall around then

newyorker94 wrote:


Three thoughts:

If you're fantasizing about males while you're masturbating, that's going to make the SSA much more difficult to overcome. I'm not suggesting that you start fantasizing about females, I'm just sayin'

Regarding "bad thoughts," this was my primary challenge. I have found that if I am very strict with my shmiras eynayim, it helps take some of the edge off. But the thoughts, images and fantasies came anyway. I use this tefillah whenever they come. I would say it even dozens of times a day (or an hour if that's what it took). As soon as the thoughts tried to land on my brain:

Ribono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only You can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to Your care and ask You to please heal me from this illness of lust. I don’t want to lust. I only want You and a relationship with You and your Torah. I surrender my lust to You. Please take my lust.

The third thought is Welcome! You're among friends who want very much to see you succeed. Get out of isolation in your free time. Get together with friends. Exercise vigorously.

Thank you for that great advice. I will try my best to implement your tefillah method. Thank god my ssa is getting a lot better, but it still comEs up here and there. My main struggle is my moments of weakness when i just gve in right away. The tefillah thing seems like it will help.

Welcome.

if your main struggle is when it happens right away then maybe you can use the taphsic method to help delay it.



(of course this won't solve the issue but it can help give you the time to keep yourself from falling)

I read about the taphsic method, but I am scared at having to pledge something if I'm not sure how much I would hold to the fear of a shvuah

newyorker94 wrote:


Hello, welcome to the forum!

First off, I would recommend reading the different WOH threads and other posts. A lot of people have been in similar situations to you, and you'll find a lot of valuable advice already stated.

While I could probably write a megillah about my recovery experience and thoughts, I noticed several things that juumped out at me:

#1 Who cares about it being "shameful"? As you'll see, a big part of recovery is "hitting bottom". True, we must have a clear motivation to stop--but that motivation CANNOT BE "what if other people saw what I was doing". It has to come from within--and for me, I prefer the benefits of NOT acting out as motivation as opposed to the evils of acting out (though there are many).

#2 The more we recover, the more we realize Hashem is in control. We need to leave off the active fighting and leave our addiction to Hashem (it can sometimes be helpful to view it as a "mental illness" of sorts. Of course, I'm not negating the seriousness of the issur...but at this point, for many it has become an ingrained habit).

#3 Gibbor120 has a link at the bottom of his posts to Dr. Sorotzkin, who has written (in my opinion) very helpful articles on the subject.

#4 A TaPhSiC method of "if I fall, I will pay $2,000,000 dollars to tzedaka" or something in my experience always fail. Focus on what you can do BEFORE falls--like "if I go to the beis Medrash for 5 minutes before falling, I will only have to say 5 tehillim; if I don't, however, I have to say 50 tehillim". That is the essence of TaPhSiC.

#5 You will discover a lot about yourself during the recovery process, including perhaps some emotional problems or faulty thinking patterns that you weren't previously aware of. I know that personally, I have found several important things.

#6 For thoughts, inastruggle likes the "blow it up" method--message him for more detail. In my experience, Shmiras Einayim Yesod: we must have very strong filters, do our best to be shomer einayim, and avoid touching your bris casually.

#7 You are not alone. Part of the Yetzer Hara's shpiel is to make us think that we are the only ones struggling in this area. Unfortunately, due to modern society's unfathomable obsession with shmutz, we are not the only ones struggling. So know that a) you are not alone and b) you aren't some sort of pariah who should be castigated for doing a horrible aveirah that no one else does.

#8 You'll find that as you progress, you will discover just how much shmutz there is on the internet, in newspapers, in even "PG" movies and in society in general.

#9 The ikkar for me at least is to "start living", and not frame life about "fall v. no fall". Often we use the addiction as a substitute for living, so it can be hard at first.

#10 It's possible that we haven't always had bechiras chofshis (c.f. the michtav me'eliyahu's nekudas habechira--also from Dr. Sorotzkin). Worry about what you can do TODAY--don't think about the past or the future, but just the present, which is the only relevant thing right now.

Good luck!

All I have been able to think about for the past 5 days (my current streak and when I started using GYE) is how I just can't possibly fail anymore. And it's taking up all of my focus and happiness. I just can't be happy. And you're right. I don't feel like I am living. Any advice?

We need to think less and live more. And we certainly should not think about "not failing anymore". Let Hashem control the outcomes, today and tomorrow and forever. All we have is the present split second. Live it to the best of your ability. Do your part in avoiding all lustful triggers, and do your part in living positively. For example, the great gift of Shabbos is once again upon us. Make the most of it. Connect to Hashem - daven with kavannah - sing zemiros with geshmak - eat lekovod Shabbos - review the Parsha - learn as much Torah as you can - find time to speak privately to Hashem - ask Him for continued success in your journey - connect with other people and focus on making them happy. i.e. think less about failing (as they say, "fell shmell - keep on trucking"), and just focus on living a sane life. One second at a time - one day at a time.

You're worth it & You can do it - be-ezrat Hashem,

Shabbat Shalom

MT

just to elaborate on that a little,

You have to sit down and decide on you're plan of action in avoiding the struggle and also what to do in the relatively rare times that the urge comes upon you without warning.

But aside from that and regular shmiras einayim (which avoids almost the whole problem to begin with) then forget about the whole issue.There really isn't a point,and b'emes it's counterproductive because thinking about it too much is likely to lead you to think about "what you shouldn't be thinking" even more.

And about "one day at a time", this is one of the most important things to do.It means to change your whole mindset from thinking about what's going to be tomorrow and worrying about how you're going to stay clean for the rest of your life to simply forgetting about it.Who cares what's going to be tomorrow? All we have anyway is today so let's live it to the fullest and tomorrow we'll worry about then.

Hatzlacha and keep us updated.

UPDATE- still doing well thank god. I am 19 days clean, but I just got home from yeshiva, where ill be for 1 week and there are multiple opportunities in my house for acting out or just watching p*, so im trying my best.
I wanted to share this story and get some feedback.
So this morning in the airport leaving israel there was this mekubal, and all of my friends were going up to him and i decided to as well and i give him my hebrew name, he looks at me and says something in hebrew i didnt understand so i pull over someone else to hear and then that kid turns to me and says "you m******" and my face literally went blank and he then translates the rest of what the mekubal says and tells me i have to go to mikvah twice a week, and cry as much as i can. and that my da'as isnt working. i dont know what to do-i didnt walk up to him expecting him to put a negative light on this. i feel like ive grown a lot and done some teshuva over the past 18 days, and this makes me think otherwise.
Any takes on this? It would be much appreciated.

Don't worry! I'm also struggling and and I'm proud of my achievements. Just that you know, one way of marking success is by counting clean days, fine. But another way is that each and every minute and time that you resisted an urge to even take a peek or let alone watching inappropriate stuff you already have success. Think about it it will make your life easier and happier! That's how I'm doing it and it seems to be working in helping me in my struggle. As far as the mkubal goes, well? What are you gonna do? Go crazy? Stop your good work? Taking a dip in the mikvah won't hurt you, but don't get thrown off by anybody just keep up your positive attitude and it will get easier. Please let me know if you feel My reply was of help to you.

I'll say this as nicely as I can. What kind of "tzaddik" accuses people of masturbating in front of others. Sounds like an insensitive jerk to me. :-)

Don't worry about the mekubal.

Well maybe that was part of the kapparah. who knows. Not our place to talk about him.

But unlesss your mesorah is to listen to mekubalim (which mine definitely is not) then ignore him unless you can see something good coming out of mikva dips and crying.