Hi, I have been trying to shteig for a while now, but new to GYE...

My story, where should I start?

I have been married for 4+ years, and have 2 adorable kinderlach. My taavos history goes back to high school, because I am human, but the internet aspect didn't really become such a factor until I started working. Well, as I am writing this, I am remembering that I had a couple of online incidents in high school, but not on a regular basis.

I had an internship a couple of years ago. It was supposed to be 12 weeks, but it ended up lasting seven weeks, because I was caught looking at shmutz at work. I don't know who caught me, there was another frum guy working there, but I don't think it was him. I never asked him if everyone (including him) found out why I left the company unexpectedly. I guess it doesn't really matter who caught me, does it? My boss was as nice about it as he could be, but there were no 2nd chances. At that point, my wife found out about my problem. She was not happy, but she has been supportive.

I spoke to a rebbe from my yeshiva, who referred me to a therapist. It was good to speak to him about it, but at $100+/hr., I didn't want to waste a second talking about side matters. That therapy effectively ate up the money I had made from working that summer.

After sending a lot of random emails to people in my field, and applying to job postings for a couple of years, I miraculously had a mamish perfect job, exactly what I was looking for, fall right into my lap fairly recently. (Somehow the background check did not disqualify me.) But what do you know, the computers in my new company are also equipped with internet. As I got comfortable here, I started to be nichshal again. It only takes a second to hit "minimize" once I hear footsteps coming. (I work in a cubicle.) I run to the bathroom to "relieve" my taivos. Last month, I was successful at staying clean the day my wife went to the mikva, but I have to make sure I have enough work to do to stay busy!

I probably cannot install a filter on my work computer, or ask my boss if its OK to install one. I have K9 filter and screenshot-based monitoring at home. The work computer is monitored by the company, but I hope and pray that they don't check their logs unless they have a reason to suspect you. Of course I hope even more that any dirt they have on me is, in a few months from now, going to be a few months old, and a few years from now, a few years old.

That's basically my story. Does anyhave have advice for me about which features of GYE are the most important to focus on? It looks like they have a lot of stuff here, but where should I start?

Any thoughts?

First of all - WELCOME! You are in the right place. It is nice to have you with us.

Where to start? At the beginning of course . Just kidding. It can be very confusing at first.

Have you read the handbook? That is usually a good place to start.

Start posting and become part of the chevra. You'll find your way around in no time.

What did your therapist tell you? Have you made any progress?

I know that you already know this, but don't mess around at work! You can't afford it on many fronts!

Keep posting my friend.

Welcome aboard T2S,

Since you sound like a 'heimeshe' guy, check out the Ohr Hachayim on this week's Parsha (18:2). He explains that this taavo is impossible to control unless two conditions are met:
1) We must guard our eyes, 2) We must guard our thoughts. Similarly, the Sefer Hachinuch explains the prohibition of "Do not stray after your heart and after your eyes" - that by avoiding lust up front, it will not mushroom or snowball out of control.

So I guess we need to do our best and let Hashem do the rest. As they say around here: One day at a time.

Hatzlacha

MT

Welcome!

thanks for sharing your story. it sounds a lot like many stories on the site, you are far from alone in this. Gibbor and MT gave you good ideas, read the handbook and the Ohr Hachayim in this weeks parsha.

Considering your situation at work you may not be able to put a filter on (it would be worth you while to make a good effort to put one on, but if that fails...) In order to successfully deal with the temptations you will need to change yourself, independent of any computer. Obviously that takes time, patience and effort. But you have what it takes and you have GYE to help you along. So stick around and keep on keeping on...

wishing you much hatzlocha
zs

I have a similar situation, where I have access to an 'inadequately filtered' computer at work. Here's what works for me be"H: I keep a notebook in my desk, where I log every single website that I visit, and the reason I needed to go there. I made a neder (which is written cryptically in that notebook) that if I go to any website that is not required, or if I go to a required website without logging it, I will pay a significant amount to Tzedakah for each and every screen that I view. I started doing this many years ago, and B"H I never had to pay. However, there were times when the neder expired and I did not renew it in time, and i fell through the cracks (Like Dov would say: the fox guarding the hen-house). But all in all, this works wonders for me.

Hatzlacha

MT

Sorry for not posting again sooner...

My wife figured out over Shabbos that I was having a fall. We did not have the most pleasant Shabbos. I spoke to my rebbe, and he sent me back to the therapist. Last time around, I probably saw my therapist 10-15 times, and we did not come to any conclusion as far as an underlying cause, like depression, relationship problems, etc. He had me right up a little card to keep in my wallet of things to remind myself if I want to act out. But of course, I was not pulling out the card every time.

I know that I need to use sophisticated shmiros, not vague kabbalos of "I'm really not going to act out again. I can't afford it." The yetzer is a professional and very sophisticated, and the only way to beat him is to use equally sophisticated strategies. On that note, when I saw some of the strategies on in GYE's handbook (like the 90-day chart that must be manually updated and the taphsic method where you force your instincts into a corner, I immediately could smell אמת and לשם שמים. I signed up right away for the 90 days, but I hesitated to try a taphsic-style shvuah. I don't taphsic to become toxic:lol: . But seriously, I am looking for good ideas for good distractions and knasos (not to mention some reassurance and success stories) to use before I take the plunge. Part of the difficulty is that I sit in front of a computer all day, and right now it happens to be a quiet time of year, so my boss has not given me any projects to work on, at least not the kind that take up a serious amount of time. How long can I sit in front of a computer and distract myself!? I have been going for a walk/jog during lunch most days, checking my email too many times per day, going on GYE, etc., but I still have a lot of down time. It's really not a healthy situation. I want to ask my therapist next time if there is a possibility that I have an A.D.D. issue.

Hi and welcome!

Try taking it one day at a time. Be clean today. Just today. (read this again tomorrow )

Turn off your screen when you're not using your computer for work.
Commit to checking your email only 2-3 times per day at specified times -- develop some discipline. Don't surf at all. No news sites, no portals with pics on the homepage. When the urge comes, turn off the screen and walk out of your cubicle.

I sit in front of a basically unfiltered computer all day. I understand how it becomes your life if you let it.

At this point, it doesn't matter what the underlying cause is. If it's to the point of addiction (you decide), then what started it isn't the point. In recovery we learn to move forward. This means getting closer to and being honest and real with the people we love, getting together with friends face to face, working on our middos and avodas Hashem. Read through the 12 Steps to Recovery and start doing them.

But first, get sober. That means no sipping -- no looking at women and no fantasizing.

Have a great, clean, real day!

Alex

Thank you Alex.

But the real issue for me right now is not what NOT to do (I can stay sober today without too much effort) but what to DO all day. I need to occupy my time and stay busy. Even if I would turn off my screen like you are saying (which I can't because my boss could IM me with an assignment at any time) what should I do all day? Twiddle my thumbs? I could get up and walk around and stretch my legs for 5 mins., but how many times can I do that? It's not a long term solution...

How bout a sefer?

You are right, I will try to bring a couple of sefarim tomorrow to keep at my desk.

Any more ideas out there, people?

Hi and Welcome TTS: I can certainly relate to your dilemma. I too found that when I had nothing to do it was a breeding ground for acting out. Chazal wrote about it thousands of years ago: שהבטלה מביאה לידי זימה.

Recognizing what's at stake especially given your past experience, maybe it pays to ask your boss for more work. Look for ways you can contribute. there is a dual benefit, not only will you keep yourself busy but you will impress your new employer.

Is your employer frum? If he is you can say that your Rov requires you to have a filter and webchaver on your computer. Does he mind. I don't think this a complete solution but it will give you a reminder that you are going to places you shouldn't.

There are many calls that GYE has during the day which you can join. It will not only fill up your time but it will help you make real change in your life which is far better than any filter.

What is your homepage set to. Set it to something like aish.com. This way when you go on to the internet you are not immediately let to search or something that is provocative.

Wishing you much hatzlacha

HI UAJ,

No, I don't work for a frum employer. I work in Corporate America, for better or for worse. So I can't ask my boss if I can install K9 וכדומה, or WebChaver, or SpectorPro (which I have at home, it's a lifesaver) or anything. The truth is that the company computers are already filtered AND monitored (or, I should say, they have monitoring software installed). But in a large company like this, I don't think anyone goes through your browsing history unless something smells funny (like if someone walks by your desk and sees you looking at the wrong sites and cares enough to report it).

I think my main issue here is that I have to actively make an effort to keep myself busy. This is not purely a pritzus issue, it's a sanity issue also. The same mishna is כתובות that says שהבטלה מביאה לידי זימה also says שהבטלה מביאה לידי שעמום. I think the זימה is my natural reaction to avoid the שעמום. Thank G-d, I have been clean for a week now, כן ירבו. And yesterday I got involved in a project that is not immediately due but I was able to jump in and get a headstart. My only worry is that next time there is a lull in the action at work and my boss doesn't have anything for me to work on, I need to be prepared in advance with another 5 things of my own to do in that situation.

tryingtoshteig wrote:


Awesome! One day at a time gets it done!

AlexEliezer wrote:


Thank you, AlexEliezer, for your encouragement and enthusiasm.

However, the message that I take from your post is, "if you (meaning me) just act each day going forward like you did for the last week, then you will be out of the water and go straight to to Gan Eden." But if you read my previous post, you will see that there is a bit more to the story.

The point I have been trying to make is that I frequently find myself with little work to do at work, and a computer right in front of me the entire time (which I am supposed to be actively using the whole day, for work purposes). So the fact that this past week, I have been able to not go to any treif sites does not quite satisfy me that I am on a solid road to recovery. Unless I have a solid plan laid out with real, formal, strategies of how to make use of my spare time at work (when it's not lunch break so I need to pretty much stay at my desk), I feel like I am still leaving myself in a risky situation.

I apologize for coming down hard on you, AE. I don't even know who you are, but I know that you were just trying to be nice. But what I need right now more than encouragement is real guidance.

Have a good Shabbos everyone.

Not offended at all. Just trying to help.

What happened to the sefarim?

Maybe this isn't the best job for you. If you're bored much of the time and not being productive, that's not going to be very satisfying. It's not even so good for the self esteem.

Meanwhile you can go to Torah.org and read a Rabbi Frand vort on the parsha to say over at the Shabbos table. You can cruise Aish.com. Call your aishes chayil.

And taking it one day at a time is a long term plan. Today is the only day any of us ever have to deal with. This moment, really.

Have a wonderful Shabbos kodesh with your family!

Alex