Hi everyone.
I’m brand new to this forum, having just joined GYE a few hours ago. I’m a teenage boy who’s still in school. For the past few years, I’ve been acting out on a regular basis, and, more recently, I’ve started to become addicted to the ‘Shmutz’ on the Internet. Until about 9-10 months ago, no one knew about my addiction. Then, thanks to some amazing Rebbeim, an incredible Madrich, and some amazing friends, I finally found help. For the first time in the period of my addiction, I am not alone. Still, the ride has not been easy. Over the last month or so, I have fallen so many times. In the past, I have been able to stay clean for a week at a stretch. Now, I cannot last for more than three days. I feel depressed, closed in, and helpless. And worse, I feel like a hypocrite. In school, I am seen as the ‘class frummer’. The guy who davens the long Shemone Esrei. The guy who enjoys learning (which isn’t true, by the way- I’m bored of learning, probably due to my addiction). The guy who people can look up to. But at the same time, I’m doing Aveiros by the bucket load behind the scenes. The vast majority of my friends would not so much as suspect that I am doing such things.
I get depressed very easily. Virtually every time I act out I am consumed by depression- the feeling that I’m useless, that I have no hope, that the Yetzer Hara’s beaten me. And although I know intellectually that that’s not true, it doesn’t really lift me out of my depression… Admittedly, I do pick up quite quickly, but after the Aveira- I’m usually in a depression for a couple of hours.
IYH, things should start to get easier. I have joined GYE, and, for the first time, my father knows about my addiction. That should, IYH, make things easier. For example, the filter on my computer used to have a lot of cracks in it. They have now been removed, to the best of my knowledge.
However, I am not out of this by far. I am still in a very low state spiritually, and it is very likely that I am still relatively easy picking for the Satan. I need help, I need support.

I know exactly how you feel. I to have just joined yestarday and let me tell you GYE is the place for you. In this unfourtanate club we need to conect to others , share advice and encouregment. There are many wonderfull progreams on GYE including phone confrence, Groups, sponsors , chat rooms and more . it takes strength an desparation to join but you have and this shows that you ARE ready to start a new life. It will be hard, but worth it in the end Hatzlacha

ps if you have any questions feel free to post them

welcome to gye
it already sounds like you're on the right track with all the support that you're getting.this problem isnt something that goes away or can be solved very quickly but its definitely manageable.anyway you came to the right place look around the site and figure out what works for you.we're all here for you if you need us

The first thing you must realize is that you should take each day by itself. Dont say well, even if i hold back today tommorow ill do it so theres no point-NO NO NO. Stay clean one day. Just one day perhaps set up a system where every time you fall you will knas youself for just one day!!! And then the next day will a step to buil of off.

I heard a great mashal:

A farmer had an old donkey and wanted to get rid of it, but he didnt want to look cruel by outright killing so he brought the donkey over to a old well and "accidently" knocked it in. And then "oblivios" of the donkey in the well , began to shovel dirt into the well. The donkey realized what was happening and every time a clump of dirt would land on his back he would push and strain to get it off. This went untill the dirt reached almost to the top of the well......

And the donkey climbed out safley

moral of the story- Every nisoyan is the satan throwing dirt on youre back and ever time you shrug it of youre slowly building you way out

HATZLACH

Beautiful mashal!

Btw I love the way the new guys come here and you're desperate and don't know what will be. And yet just a few hours later you're giving tips and chizuk to the next new guy that comes along. Isn't it wonderful? It's like becoming a member of the family.

Welcome and hatzlacha to all.

Welcome Zvi !

Your post is beautiful, and the chizuk you've given on other threads is appreciated. Keep coming here and giving chizuk. Make overcoming this your number one priority. Be aggressive in your shmiras eynayim and shmiras hamachshava. Have real conversations with real people. Not just learning. Talk about yourself. Learn about your friend.

Expect a million tricks from the Y"H -- don't fight them, dodge them.

One day at a time.

Alex

Welcome Zvi.

Thanks fo reaching out.

I hope you find all the chizuk and the right advice here.

Keep on posting. Let us know how you are doing. We're on your side.

Best regards,

Moish