Teshuva Mahavah wrote:
Gorgeous.

At the Seder we say, "afilu kulonu chachomin/nevonim/know the Torah and the whole story....mitzvah aleinu l'saper - 'sipur' means to tell someone else a thing we already know. First it is to the child on his or her level. If no child, then to another adult on their level. If no adult...to 'ourselves'. Only if there is no one else to tell it to do we say it to ourselves - but we gotta say it out loud, in any case. Say it to ourselves? That means speak it out, not read it - though there is no other person in the room! What good is talking to ourselves gonna do us?!

Rav Moshe Cordovero zt"l writes that Hashem reminds us 50 in His Torah that He took us out of mitzrayim (RaMa"K explains about the few other times cuz it's mentioned more than just 50 times, really). Why so many? Why davka 50?

We all know that Avraham said "bamoh eidah ki irashena?" and that through those words, Hashem decreed we would go to Mitzrayim. What's the connection between Avrahom's neediness for Da'as and golus Mitzrayim?

Well, I'll let you put it together a bit, but will say this much: 50 is the number of levels there are to Binah. Binah, of course, is the shoresh and forerunner of Da'as. The Arizal (actually, the Zohar) tells us that Da'as (awareness) was in Golus in Mitzrayim, as was Dibur. 'Da'as in golus' means that there really is no Da's - for golus is disconnectness (nidah is the bechinah of golus), and Da'as itself is the state of being connected (as true awareness of anything means that it is part of you now, and in the way the Torah refers to sex as da'as of another person). Speech being in galus means that it is not connected to the heart - it's the state of not being able to truly express the heart with dibbur (see Peleh Yoe'itz of Tchernobyl).

So it seems that at the seder we celebrate the emancipation of speech from galus by using it to express what is in our hearts about the ge'ulah, itself. Quite a switch from the state we were in way down in Egypt land!

And the rebbes explain, "v'chol hamarbeh lesaper, harei zeh meshubach" as meaning that the more we speak out the story of the geulah (sipur is davka saying it), the more we improve - meshubach (as in wine that is 'meshubach' with aging).

We who struggling in recovery can see a few sweet things from this:

1- We need to work for Da'as: The fact that we already know all about all our porn use and sex with self or others, etc, is not nearly enough to achieve da'as. We need da'as more than anyone does, for we are chronic forgetters! Knowing is not enough for us. We often feel soooo connected, crying true holy tears through a davening one day - and still end up masturbating ourselves to porn again just a day or few hours later! We have knowledge in spades...but little or no da'as!

2- Sippur is where it's at: Speaking about something we already 'know all about' face to face with another real person is powerful. Far more powerful than knowing about it, is. Rmb"n writes regarding Teshuvah, Hashem says in the Torah that it is "beficho ubilvov'cho la'asoso" - Rmb"n says: "first it is beficho, then it can grow to be bilvov'cho." Meaning, first we start speaking the truth out at the Seder - then we discover that we are truly expressing something that is deep inside us! At the Seder, that truth is our identity as Jews - our Neshoma itself. In recovery, it is the truth about ourselves as addicts who need G-d - and recovery to keep Him. Which of those is more important to know? I'd certainly say the latter. Derech eretz kodmah laTorah is real.

In other words, we learn how to be honest and open with ourselves by first practicing being honest and open with others. Kind of counterintuitive....but true experience of many addicts. It's 'the na'aseh v'nishma' of recovery!

3- We are not doing the mitzvah of sippur Y"M properly by using any other media than by speaking face to face with another person - at their level - about the exact facts with all the details of galus and geulah. This teaches us that sipur - sharing the (sometimes bitter) truth about ourselves and our behavior - is fully effective only if it is face to face with another person who understands it correctly, hiding no detail from them(Rav Elimelech's exact words translated, not mine).

4- Finally, if we cannot share it with anyone else because we can't find anyone, we at least share the facts with ourselves. Later we will open it up to another. Incidentally, I and many others have found that saying it out loud to ourselves is powerful, but first writing the facts down on paper helps us share it with ourselves more fully. NOT TYPING, but hand writing it. In Unesaneh tokef we say 'vechosem yad kol odom bo' - our lives are like our handwriting. There is something self-identifying and honest about writing with our own hand.

Sorry for the megillah. Hatzlocha!

- Dov

Precious.

i know and feel you pain im 17 and in the same situation and living a total double life the important thing to remember is to always stay positive even when you at the lowest of low ultimitly it will be the positive attitude that willget you out

So, Losasuru...what's it going to be? Rather than asking what behaviors you will fight or resist today, I ask you what new behaviors are you adding to your day today? Just for today. No promises, no 'commitments' (they have always been a waste of time for us, right?). That's all.

Do they 'say' the opposite than the things that got you in this trouble in the first place 'say'? Those are the precious things...

LS
Just read your thread from begining, I can't tell you how much I feel for you, and cry for you
First of all, yes your Mashgiach can help you, if he is the right kind, i know for a fact that some a really dealing with this.
Second, lots of us grapple with this 'double life' I could learn an afternoon seder, shtark, thinking, I'd 'relax' that night with a nice online movie.
Third, you can grow out of it, before marriage, but it may come back without some proper attention. I heard אין חבוש מתיר את עצמו. Someone in prison can't release himself. I thought hey I did, I got this beat, but to be honest I never did. let GYE Get you out of your prison.
Fourth, feel good about your acomplishments, just because you have fallen you still have those hours of learning under your belt, also, something that has been in a chizuk email, consider yourself one of Hashem,s Navy Seals Commandos, we can beat this. Maybe Hashem has chosen you to beat this.
Fifth tell your parents the Pesak of the gedolai hador, is no unfiltered internet. Period, it's so easy to do to get a filter, it is negligence not to get one. For a fact, I would have fallen even now without a filter, even after 50 days, even after a while on GYE. We have a natural pull, urge, forget about addiction, It's normal.
but with this I'll end, it can be done, you can beat this, sign up to the chizuk e.mails and the 90 days, you'll learn so much. My Beracha to you is that you will over come this, one day at a time, with our help if you want it. And you should continue to shteig and become that Rosh Yeshiva, maggid shiur Rov, keep your ambitions, this needn't stop you. Torah is vast, learn it all.
Israel

Amen! I would like to add to israel's brocho that when you become a Rosh yeshivah or whatever one day, you will be ready to listen with a whole and understanding heart to the next good bochur in the yeshivah who is hiding with porn and masturbating himself 2-3 times a day and tempted to do all sorts of things, too.

You are far from alone and there are some rebbis with this problem too. May you be one of those who can open up to the hurting bochur that comes to you - rather than be one of those who pretends to be perfect (for 'kavod haTorah').

Hatzlocha, brother.

- Dov

The one thing you are not is a fraud! I heard from one of my rebbeim- "kol mi shegadol, yitzro godol meimenu". "Whoever is great, his desires are greater than him." You have potential- deep down you're an absolute gadol!

potential is very nice

thank you everyone for everything! i just read the replies for the past ten days or so...i basically resolved that for the yom tov of pesach i was totally disconnecting from the internet. bh pesach was amazing and LIBERATING!

Reading your post reminds me how I felt for years! It didn't just feel like living a double life. More like all the shmutz was the core and the ikkar - and all my learning davening and shteiging was ONLY a cover up. Since joining GYE, my greatest achievement, even beyond staying clean, is that I got to discover myself. (By opening up to others and perhaps keeping a journal with your thoughts etc. - highly recommended)
You will get to know the "real you" and btw he happens to be that role model your chaverim see in you! You just have to find him! Never let the bad feelings get to you. I recently heard: "The yetzer hora's greatest business is not making us do aveiros - his main ambition is, that after we sinned, make us feel like a failure - then he's in business" - lets not let him! (R' ZM Zilberberg)

Harei zeh meshubach... for pouring out your heart like that... you still care... that's where it starts... and on GYE, you can learn how to apply your care to pull yourself up again, be"H. Never give up! Bracha and hatzlacha.