Hi everyone.

My name is Israel and I'm a 24 years old french guy.Please excuse my english,i'll do my best

i do shabbat,kosher,tephilin,tephila and over but...you know what...during all my fall,I pray Ha-chem to stop but with no some much conviction at the beginning

So where i have to start ? probably from the beginning...

I discover this avera at the age of 12 but i didn't understand what i did.Even if i imagine it's not "good" ,i told myself "it's ok ! i'll stop at the age of 13" ,i didn't...
i didn't uses explicit materials,i didn't go there on my own,TV and fashion book came for me.

Then i went to yeshivah at the age of 14 in a boarding-school,great time ! no avera during school but once during holiday.

After Yeshivah (17 yo) ok i fight,lose,win;lose,win but i wasn't addicted (...)

19 years old,We brought internet at the home...yes,you're right, The gates of hell opened but i didnt jumped ,

21 years old, i peak just to "know" what's look like P**,seriously, the Yetser Hara used this reason...i thought this disgusting,4 weeks later ,i came back then..

Sorry i can't tell more right now because i will cry and i MUST stay away from sadness,i fight with myself to be happy because sadness DESTROY myself and my conviction if i'm happy,I can't fall.SAdness,despair are weapons of shadows side.

I will come back,Thanks for hizuk mail,they are very precious to me.

Welcome to the Beginning of the end!!
at least you found the right place to come to, there are many here with similar stories.
Hatzlacha Rabbah!!

Welcome Israel,

I identify alot with your struggles over the years.

I sincerely hope you can find the right recovery tools to get well one day at a time...

Best regards

Moish

Amen ! Thanks

But internet system is perfect.at the beginning i stay away from the shocking stuff

22 years old. I want more and the internet give me more.
At the same time i download on my pc which i never did , for the first time i keep with me materials that is mean that iknow that i will do it again

23 yo. Time to begin chidoukh .i was sure that i stop at these periods. I didnt.

I want despairtly more.im want something real.i never touch a real girl till now.i want it.

Few month ago.i m tired to fight.i shutdown my consience.anytime.anywhere.anyhow.you know what i mean

The gates of hell was opened.i jumped...

...But Hachem catch me when i fall. fThis was the darkest part pf my life.im not sure to share it but you have to know.tyetser hara work on a long time .piece by piece he destroy me. He can destroy everyone. Im still virgin but its a true gift from Hachem.two days after the saving .i was searching on the web any way to fight againt this avero and how make a tikun and i heard about a website called guardyoureyes.

The journey is over.the fight just started.

Israel,
Bonjour!
Your writing is beautiful and from the heart.
I relate well to your struggles. Except I jumped into hell at a younger age and stayed there for 30 years.

I have found it helpful to surrender my lust to Hashem whenever I feel it starting. I simply tell Him I cannot fight this on my own and ask him to take it from me. Every time.

I also find it helpful to be very aggressive and consistent with shmirat eynayim in all settings. Even fully-dressed, tznius women. Even just a picture of a face. As soon as I started this, the struggle became easier. Still difficult, but easier than it was when I was constantly looking at and thinking about women. Shifting the struggle to keeping far from lust made the difference for me. Bringing Hashem into this battle is what keeps it working.

Getting out of myself and sharing my time with real live people has also been helpful.

I would suggest you hold off on shidduchim until you are solidly in recovery.

Au revoir,
Alex

Bonjour and merci for your sharing
welcome!
your words are heartfelt and yotzim min halev
please stick around here, read the Handbook and post about your experience. b'ezer Hashem you will find the right tools for your situation.
wishing you much hatzlocha
zs

Thanks hevrei !

After i crossed the last line

On the way to go home,i started to think about what i have done...And so it's begin...you know this overwhelming feelings ?

A wave,no ! a tsunami of emotion...guilt of course but also Absolute Terror,a...black fear,i was drowning,choking,What I Have Down !!!!!!! Who am i ? what i have become ? A pervert ? a jewish ? a frum guy ? a goy like the other ? WHO..AM..I ? Am...i..lost...forever ?

But beyond these emotions,there is one strongest from the other,A BURNING RAGE,An infinite Anger, A WILL to FIGHT,to declare a dogs war like ...like i never felt before (and i used to cry from my sins).it was like all my prayers to stop this avera came to me and said NOW ,YOU ARE READY !

i went to maariv, i felt that i can't concentrate (tephila is my favorite mitsva),but i said to myself NO ! concentrate !and i did !

when i came home,i went to my room and scream in my pillow,i cry,it was...i have to put an end on this misery.now it's over ! i don't know but...Hachem will help me ! but how ? i used to be an addict ! i spent all my time on you know what,i will never resist !

Don't care ! fight ! don't think ! we'll see...and then,the Miracle.Hachem Pure kindess,total mercy...i donn't know how to describe in english how much ! how can i say thanks but here it is

The absolute Gift ! 73 days of total smirath eynaim ! unbeliveable ! no way ! i was tempted like hundreds of times,but no ! i was able to see when i used to fall and now ? NO !

Two days after my fall, i discover an ad about a website called "guardyoureyes" and there is an haskama from Rav Twersky,Here in France we have only one books translated,it's called "living each days" ,i rode it in circle, i mean when i finish it ,i re-start from the beginning. each days ,i have the feelings that he spoke to myself. I just have to change alcohol or drugs with my addiction and i can apply his advice(by the way i stop to read this books about 2 month before i fall).

What i want to say is i have a Huge respect and consideration for Rav Twersky.So this website is certainly "special"

I subscribe to hizuk mail and shmirat eynaim mail and...like said they are very precious to me !

May Ha-chem give all of us Health,Hope,Happiness and strength ! AMEN !

Israelh wrote:


I heard from R' Yaakov Shapiro that one of the biggest mistakes young people make is looking at their Yetzer Horah and believing that this is the real me. We shouldn't let our desire for aveiros define us.

Having said that, being an addict is a little different. Because I AM an addict. But the fact that I am an addict has little to do with the particular thing I'm addicted to. I'm an addict because of the way my psyche has been shaped by my childhood. The thing I am addicted to isn't me and certainly doesn't define me. Neither does being an addict define me. Some might prefer to say "I have an addiction." Either way, the point is we need to define ourselves by our aspirations, not our stumbling blocks.

Yes , thinking like this give me hope. But when i was younger i heard at jewish school something like this "rechaim also want to make mitsvoth but they prefer to follow their desire" and thats pretty much who im. i want stay away from this .i fight i cry. i pray. But sooner or later i will fall and the despair kill me !

But do you know the worst for me ? Thinking "since i fall so far.who cares if i do it one more time ?" Or since i fall this day , i will continue the battle tomorow , meanwhile do what you want."

I have found fighting to be futile when it comes to this.
My only hope is to stay away from the fight, as I described above.

Of course ! Staying away from fight is my first step , Im aware that at the moment i found a materials i will use it sooner or later so i have to destroy them when im not in the mood (i switch between hates and (...no love ) but desire, lust) so im looking for every source and i destroy it ! You have no idea how many movies, divx, book and other stuff i destroyed.

In fact , i kinda love it ! Search and destroy

Maamish Biur Chametz!!!
Good for you, Keep it up!!