Hi, I am a new member and I wanted to hear from the experts on this site what they think. My wife caught me looking at inappropriate material on the internet. I have web monitoring software that watches what I am doing. The question is what my next step should be...I have looked at "chizuk" e-mails from this website and they do nothing for me. I have the feeling that I should be moving on to a psychlogist or going to an SA meeting. Is that to rash a step?

Welcome to the club,

I am by no means an expert. But if you installed monitoring software and you were trying to "play the system" by trying to find pages that don't rate high, you might need more help than the software can offer.

Try to answer this question:

Why did you install the monitoring software?

I'm guessing from you screen name that you have more to your story

-Eli

Welcome.

I'm not an expert, and i try not to give advice.

It sounds like you may need more than what you are currently doing.

I have had ten therapists over the last 12 years or so. Yes, ten!

It was largely a frustrating experience.

They all meant well and tried to help. Most didn't seem to understand the nature of the addiction. Three of them were very helpful up to a point.

BUT NONE OF THEM WERE ABLE TO HELP ME TO STAY STOPPED LONG TERM.

My experience is that while therapy has its place, none of them were able to offer me a long term solution.

SA has helped me more than anything else has.

This is just my experience. Perhaps others have experienced differently...

Welcome fellow struggler.

I relate well to being exhausted from the fight. It was nonstop, pretty much from morning til night, even in my dreams. Constantly teasing myself with glances, fantasies, and outright porn, then trying not to follow through -- was exhausting.

Simply installing software doesn't address the root problem. If you have an addiction to lust, chances are you're getting it from multiple sources. The computer is just the most graphic. Checking out women, even our own wife, feeds the addiction. Entertaining sexual thoughts and fantasies feeds it too (even if they're about the wife). The more we feed it, the stronger it gets.

Only when we fully starve the addict does he begin to weaken and stop demanding a fight. This means bulletproof shmiras eynayim in all settings, and vigilance in guarding my mind from inappropriate thoughts.

Once we are sober, we can then begin addressing and correcting the character flaws that led to and perpetuate the addiction. This is called recovery.

How is your wife handling her discovery?

Welcome!

First of all, don't take advice from anyone who claims to be an "expert".

Members of this forum try to share what has worked for them. Hopefully, you will be able to relate to several people on this forum. Some advice may work for you. Some may not, but many people have used this forum as a "springboard" to recovery. This forum is just a starting point. Have you read the handbook? That is also a good place to start.

It will be easier for us to relate to you if you can share more about your problem.

Looking forward to good things ahead!

hi there!
expert? no me! i can just say what worked for me.

when i read the daily email it didn't help me too much. when i had K9 on my computer it didn't help me either! I didn't know first thing about internet but i only know how to get to this sites & how to "override" the filters.

i thought maybe the forum will help me. it did, but very little. what realy helped me is understanding that I'm not a sinner, I'm a sick person who needs to do his job. starting (and keeping up with) the 12 steps.

last I want to tell you we all welcome you. we understand the strugle. In the hebrew section they say "stop fighting & start giving it over to the high power" (I'm sure you can find it here too but i'm too new here + my english is not too good as you can see so it's hard for me to read many posts. every one takes me a while to read) it's may sound hard but that what realy wroked for many pepole.

Thank you all for sharing your ideas and insights about what has and has not worked for you regarding this struggle. It is very heartwarming to feel accepted, and I am seeing that the very act of opening up about this issue, albeit in an anonymous fashion is very therapeutic.
In response to some of the questions asked: 1) yes, I have looked at the handbook (in addition to doing lots of reading on the topic from people like Patrick Carnes - whose books I do not like reading in that they wind up making me feel associated with a deeper level of addiction then I think I have, and I think it can sometimes plant unpleasant seeds in my mind as a result). I personally have not gained much from the handbook, nor from the e-mails, unfortunately. 2)Regarding "Moish from the U.K.'s" comment, I can totally relate to seeing a psychologist and having it be a valueless and fruitless experience. I once saw a psychologist on a completely unrelated matter (trust me), and it was the ultimate waste of time. I feel as though going to see psychologists is often a miss instead of a hit particularly in this type of issue, where the secular world is so steeped in this stuff that it does not even raise a warning flag of really being an issue.
My issues go back a long time approximately 15 years, where at a certain point in my life I allowed the Yetzer Hara to delude me into thinking that I could get involved in looking and "acting out" regarding this stuff as a fifteen year old with the assumption that Beis Medrash years would remodel me into a complete tzaddik. Well it did not work out that way and ultimately I just wound up leading a double life for the last 15 years where I could and can shteig with the best of them, but I cannot let go of this gishmak drug called escapism. And ultimately marriage did not undo the temptation to look at other women, and has been pointed out by others, even one's wife can be "forbidden fruit" even when in a state of tahara, when one has the wrong intentions when being with her. I have read and understand that being a so called addict requires that one's life has been altered in a way that makes oneself not fully functional, and in that regards I do not consider myself an addict. BUT at the same time the fact that I cannot quit doing something that I determine not to do, and that obviously would help my married life tremendously puts me into a gray area of addiction, and after reading the 12 steps, I am not ashamed whatsoever to admit that I have a problem and am powerless of myself to resolve this issue.

exhausted from the fight wrote:


I'm not sure how you define "not fully functional". How is it affecting your life other than feeling bad about it? You say that overcoming this problem would improve your marriage. I'm guessing that there are other parts of your life that are being adversly affected.

I personally wrestled with the "addict" label for a while. Then I decided that it didn't matter much. What matters is whether or not I am recovering. The handbook has tools listed in progressive order. Have you tried them or just read them? Have you tried a 12 step phone conference or live meetings?

As you are finding out, just being able to share your problem is a big relief. I did a 12 step phone conference at one point and did a first step inventory. I have also shared my story with a select few in person. I can't explain why it helps, but it really made a difference. I think I was able to accept myself and let go of some of the guilt and negative feelings. Some of the guilt and shameful feelings are what trigger acting out in the first place... and the cycle continues... shame... acting out... shame... acting out.

I have never been to a therapist, but I have read sentiments like yours many times on this forum. It seems that addiction (I mean a problem with addiction-like qualities ) requires a certain type of therapist that is not so easy to find.

Keep seeking and you shall find. Many people here have been addicted for decades. I was addicted for over 20 years. B"H, I am now sober for 3 1/2 years. Many have found help, so can you.