Hello Everyone,

I'm glad to be part of this website and this process of cleansing. First of all I was raised baptist but as a grew older I started asking questions and now I don't consider myself a Christian but rather a righteous gentile if you will, or another word is a follower of Noah's seven laws, which is one of the reasons I decided to live without addiction. I actually emigrated to USA with my family in my childhood years. Here's a little about me and my weird story...


I have been mast****ing from like 10 to 17 but didn't really know it was hurting me or any idea what was happening. I was numb through out high school, until 11th grade. I'm 22 now and I'm able to go through like 2 weeks before I fall again. I guess I was a "dry drunk" for a long while I used to do it like 3 times a day for a while in my teens before I was like 17.5.
I feel like I've missed my whole childhood and obviously I won't get it back, I have been through child sex abuse by stepbrother who was 7 years older when I was like 9. Since I love being brutally honest, and because I'm anonymous and people don't know me, I would like to share what really happened to me. I was masturbated multiple times by while I was sleeping and having to pretend like nothing is happening. Somewhere in those days I started to masturb** myself, not sure how often but I did. I was completely alone, nobody knew absolutely what was going on, not even my abuser, my parents had no clue.
One of my biggest guilt is my ability to keep a secret. I became a great actor, I know how to keep secrets for real, after all why would I not listen to my older brother who was supposed to be respected according to my parents. I could watch porn, and go to church and sing in chorus and talk to my leader and be an example to everyone, including my younger brothers. And nobody knew but me. I feel like I'm a dangerous person, and a liar at a very high level. And I feel like it was my own choice through out this. Its hard to learn otherwise.
I never even had a girlfriend because I am too ashamed. I was able to be free for like a half year, because I once read online that people who view porn have high chance of becoming criminals so it scared everything out of me. But after a while i found that others watch it too so than started watching pornography again and masturbating more and more often. I don't know what my life will be like, because I feel really bad that I missed so much time from my teenage years to pornography and masturbation. I don't feel normal. Anyway it feels better to share my issues with you guys and I greatly appreciate all the efforts done on this website.
It also made my character a weird, creepy, shy and quiet one. So I never really had any friends because I was always ashamed to tell the truth of what happened to me. I think the only way possible for me to make friends is if I tell them the truth, I hate hiding the truth and I love to be honest, I am often to brutally honest and it gets me in trouble, but I'm sick of hiding so I try to share everything. I would love to be fully honest with you guys.
In a way I worship truth, it gives the most freedom. So there it is..

Shkoiach.

Hatslocho Raboh.

Welcome to the club Joe.

You will find a group of sincere caring people here who would cheer you on as you learn to deal with your problem.

Have you ever gone to therapy regarding your experiences in the past?

Eli

Yeah, I have gone to therapy for a few months on one on one, but I didn't think it was very effective, I just wanted to tell someone the truth and that was a chance and I did it. I guess I need an actual psychiatrist not just a social worker which is what I saw. I would like to visit a professional that specializes in the field that I'm in. I would like to try and fix whatever I can about myself.

Belief in Hashem Yitbarach only is the essential thing. If you look to people for help this means you believe in people. Believe in Hashem. Tell Him. Talk to Him. Faith is prayer and prayer is faith. If u have faith you will go to the fields or your room or anywhere and pray. And if you pray this means that you have faith in G-d. Be still and know that He is G-d.

B'ahava

Thank You very much. This was very well written.

You are right that I have to trust G-d, but I also think that G-d put all the resources here on earth for us to use, therefor seeing help from another person could be one of the most legitimate thing one can do. would you agree with that?

Dear Joenoahide

The longer you keep away from porn or the like the less it will be on your mind. That is how the human brain works. However, if you are completely into everything you were before and just white knuckling your way into a few clean days, you are what they call a "dry drunk" which means that although you've abstained from falling you haven't done anything to change yourself. Than it would make sense that you are still obsessing mentally.

The way to improve yourself is to adopt a program such as the 12 steps or joining a 12 step group. This isn't a Jewish problem it's a human problem so you don't need to look for a Jewish solution.

Wishing you much success,

Yes, seeking help from another person is indeed a good thing. We support and help each other. That's the way it should be. But only Hashem can put a new heart and a new spirit (Ezekiel 36) in you. Lev tahor bera li Elokim! A clean heart create in me G-d.

Thank you everyone that posted on this forum. You guys are what keeps me going because I feel much support.

Me3 thanks for the long and clear response

One of the most fascinating concepts I've ever heard of is spending a few hours talking just to God no one else around. Just personal business, sounds interesting.

HI everyone,
So thank God I have been clean from M and P the whole day of Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, now its half way through Tuesday.
What I am looking for is to get a taste of the confidence that comes after like two weeks of being clean. Maybe I should try to reach 90 days, and I want to but I feel like I will fall, and man than fall is tough. I usually become a zombie for 3 days after I fall.
I know so many people that have absolutely no filters on their iPhone and phones, but I installed some on mine and I fell really out of place. I feel like I'm not bad ass enough like all my friends. But I'll try to be clean just so I can learn and get through college. I'm sick of being completely alone. I also hate to play the "good guy" card on my friends. If I tell them that I have filters there gonna laugh at me so bad like "oh what u think your better than us?" I guess I'n not sure that the benefits of being clean are. Maybe you guys can post some links with the benefits of being clean that I can look over. because I like to deny that it affects me Thank You

If any of you guys would like to Google Chat with me I would be happy to do so.
My username is: Joemilller321Gmail.com

Thanks and talk to you soon.

Joenoahide wrote:


one of the things we say here often is that this site helps people who feel that their life is unmanageable due to their acting out; they are sick and tired of it! it propels them to change.

if your life is peachy with an occasional p and m, go for it!
why ruin a good thing?